Tuesday, May 29, 2001
i don't know why i am worrying about this house thing. I would like to hear Jay's reasoning too. right now, he can't give me a good reason besides "well, i have a lot of stuff:" fuck, we all have a lot of stuff. fuck that, makes no sense. BAH. i really hope the rest of the house doesn't have to get involved in this. I hope it can be resolved without resorting to that. I just fear that it won't, and that I will have to ask Trav and Air their opinions, which really isn't fair to them. it is not something i want to do. They shouldn't be pulled into this. I just am afraid it will come to that, which is just stupid. BAH. this shouldn't even be an issue. the fact that it is turning into an issue is annoying. I just feel petty and jerkish, but sometimes you have to stoop to other people's levels to get what you want, lol ;)
I know what trav means about feeling like a jerk. it sucks, i hate that feeling. i can't stand the feeling that someone might be unhappy of me, and more importantly that someone may disapprove of me. Deep seated, long lasting self esteem problems, woo hoo :P But it really blows to be walked all over. I guess i can put up with a little disapproval to protect my ass a little bit from this constant battering most people call life. I really shouldn't care about what people think of me. i don't care about what most people think of me. I just really care about how the people who are really close to me feel about me. but then i realize i probably lose even more respect by just folding all the time.
I have been thinking about these blogs. i go back and read them, and realize how angry, or stupid, or simpy i must sound sometimes. this page is an extension of my raw emotions. I would never come right out and start yelling about traffic and swearing and shit like i do. i would never wander around in a love struck daze like my blogs from a few weeks ago suggested. this blog is just what i am feeling at that exact time, with all the restrictions we normally put on our emotional expression removed. I am not really an angry person, but i do get angry. and when i do, it is good to put it down somewhere, so i do.
CD of the day time. i know you are all just thrilled ;) i can see you all at your computers making mocking masterbatorial gestures and wondering "who the fuck cares anymore." well i do, so ha!!! matt was right, these cds kind of sum up what i am feeling for this day. of course, i have different reactions to the same cd depending on what mood i am in, so that actually doesn't mean anything, lol. but yeah, music helps me. I would not say i am as hardcore as matt, but music has an influence on my life. i feel i have been missing something since i lost my internet connection/mp3 source. it will be good to have it back. CD of the day is Ben Folds Five - Whatever & Ever Amen. first track on this cd (one angry dwarf) is one of my all time favorite songs. those of you who have just heard Brick, and think you don't like Ben Folds Five, go download this album and tell me you don't like them. Ben Folds is a genious. There are only 3 of them, but they have such an incredible sound. I can't believe i waited this long to put this as CD of the day. I LOVE this cd. oh yeah, and they are just as sweet in concert :D
I know what trav means about feeling like a jerk. it sucks, i hate that feeling. i can't stand the feeling that someone might be unhappy of me, and more importantly that someone may disapprove of me. Deep seated, long lasting self esteem problems, woo hoo :P But it really blows to be walked all over. I guess i can put up with a little disapproval to protect my ass a little bit from this constant battering most people call life. I really shouldn't care about what people think of me. i don't care about what most people think of me. I just really care about how the people who are really close to me feel about me. but then i realize i probably lose even more respect by just folding all the time.
I have been thinking about these blogs. i go back and read them, and realize how angry, or stupid, or simpy i must sound sometimes. this page is an extension of my raw emotions. I would never come right out and start yelling about traffic and swearing and shit like i do. i would never wander around in a love struck daze like my blogs from a few weeks ago suggested. this blog is just what i am feeling at that exact time, with all the restrictions we normally put on our emotional expression removed. I am not really an angry person, but i do get angry. and when i do, it is good to put it down somewhere, so i do.
CD of the day time. i know you are all just thrilled ;) i can see you all at your computers making mocking masterbatorial gestures and wondering "who the fuck cares anymore." well i do, so ha!!! matt was right, these cds kind of sum up what i am feeling for this day. of course, i have different reactions to the same cd depending on what mood i am in, so that actually doesn't mean anything, lol. but yeah, music helps me. I would not say i am as hardcore as matt, but music has an influence on my life. i feel i have been missing something since i lost my internet connection/mp3 source. it will be good to have it back. CD of the day is Ben Folds Five - Whatever & Ever Amen. first track on this cd (one angry dwarf) is one of my all time favorite songs. those of you who have just heard Brick, and think you don't like Ben Folds Five, go download this album and tell me you don't like them. Ben Folds is a genious. There are only 3 of them, but they have such an incredible sound. I can't believe i waited this long to put this as CD of the day. I LOVE this cd. oh yeah, and they are just as sweet in concert :D
