Saturday, June 30, 2001
bear with me...
this will be the quintessential WAnkblog. it is going to be as complete a self reflection as i can bear. don't read it if you don't want too. i just need to get some stuff out, for my own purposes. it will probably be interesting enough. at least, i know i am intruiged when i read what other people have to think about themselves. anyways...
Who am I. What defines me. what about myself do i like and dislike, both on a physical and emotional level. what made me who i am. what are some of the defining moments in my life. what would i like myself to be.
physically, i wouldn't call myself attractive, but i wouldn't say i am unbearable. there are certainly things i could improve upon, if i felt like it. i am not happy with the way i look, but then again no one is. i lack the motivation to do anything about it. i am not unhappy enough to actually take the time out to do stuff. i tolerate myself :)
i am extremely skinny. this is the number one thing i would change. i lack any fat or muscle. i am 6'4, 150 lbs. you can see my ribs. my joints have bones sticking out. it isn't from lack of eating, it is from an overactive metabolism. this is why i don't do anything about it. i could work out, but working out won't work. my body just eats up too much. in a few short years, my metabolism will slow down, and i can start looking normal, but until then i am fucked.
i am skinny, but i am not weak. i am fairly strong when i actually put my mind to it. i can run fast, and i am agile. i lack any endurance, but in a sprint i am a speedy little bastard. i always have been. again, i could work on this, but i am wayyyyy to lazy. this will become a theme, lack of motivation.... i have a decent tolerance to alcohol and drugs, but not a huge tolerance. it is just enough that i can't get myself really really sick. it is also just enough, that i get a pleasant fucked no matter what i do. it is pretty cool, actually.
so yeah, my physique is just horrible. there really isn't anything positive about it. any muscle i do have just looks funny because there is way too little of it. i guess my stomach is ok, because it is flat. my knees and elbows stick way out. my left knee is fucked up right now. i really should see a doctor. my whole knee cap is swollen. it is like, instead of a knee cap, there is just this liquid stuff. it doesn't hurt, and it doesn't impare my ability to use it, so i just ignore it. whatever, i will get it looked at eventually.
my face is rather uneven, mostly due to the guantly sickly look it has. my eyes and cheeks are sunk. my jawbones stick out. my neck is slender. but, with all this, my ears stick out, i have huge eyes with huge eyebrows that grow together and LONG eyelashes. my nose is borderline gigantic, and i have big lips. i think it makes me look kind of funny. somehow it kind of works. i wish my nose wasn't the huge potatoey lump it is, but i deal.
the saving grace to my face is my eyes. they change color depending on what i am wearing. they go from a light grey, to a dark blue, to what they are most of the time, a deep green. my eyes rock. people tend to get lost in them, if they actually look into them, which has always freaked me out a little bit, especially if i don't expect it. that is more of an emotional problem, and i will get to it ;) anyways, i must say my eyes are probably my most attractive feature, with the combination of the cool color, their size, and the long eyelashes. the only problem is, one of them is a little lower than the other. this kind of throws off my whole face. one of my ears is also lower than the other one. it really fucks shit up when i get a haircut. if you ever look at me, and think that something is slightly askew, it is because it is. my face is slanted. you have to look to actually notice, but i have had plenty of time to look, and believe me i have noticed :P
my hair is decent enough. from a physical standpoint, it is thick, shiny, and pretty damn nice. from a presentation standpoint, i could really care less. i like the way it looks most of the time. i don't like when it gets really long, because it poofs out. i don't like it really short, because i look like a chemo patient. in between, i really like the natural disheveled look it gets. i never do anything to my hair. i take a shower, and leave it, and what you see is what it does naturally. good stuff, i suppose, except a lot of times it kind of slants off in one direction or another. and, my hair is usually way too long, because i am too lazy to go get my hair cut. oh well, whatever. hair is hair
the clothes i wear, i could give a shit about, more or less. white t-shirt, baggy jeans. white t-shirt, baggy cargo pants. thats about it. always a tshirt. i have a few other tshirts i wear, but it is always with jeans or cargoes. i never wear shorts, because it is obvious how skinny my legs are. with baggy jeans, you can kind of tell, but you are constantly second guessing yourself. could his legs really be that skinny? nah, it is just my imagination. so yeah, i don't care about my wardrobe. too much money to waste.
when i walk somewhere, i usually just kind of phase out and go from point a to point b. it makes me look pretty funny i guess, but it gets me there. if i try to concentrate on something else, i will either get distracted and wander off, or i will trip myself or something. so, i just go, without looking or noticing, or anything. so yeah, my eyes are pretty much constantly looking down. that is part of the reason why. when i go to class, i try to sit alone, in the back corner, away from everything, and everyone. it helps me, when i am actually there. i don't like worrying about everyone else around me. i like to be alone, and i like to be near the door so i can get out fast.
i don't like talking to profs. i don't like talking to authority figures i don't know very well. hell, i don't like talking to people i don't really know very well period. it is kind of a catch 22, i know, but it is the truth. so yeah, i never go to office hours, i never ask for help, or raise my hand when i know the answer. i am there to learn, not talk. i feel uncomfortable when i am put on the spot in class. i usually know the answer, but i constantly second guess myself in case i don't know. i don't want to look stupid. so most of the time, i will just go i don't know to get out of it, if i can, even when i know the answer. kind of wierd.
i basically hate school. i don't see the point in it. this education is so damn important for some reason, but i haven't learned anything that will be actually useful in the past 4 years of school. now that i am in college, i am wasting all this money taking stupid classes i have no interest in, but are required for graduation. a load of bs, if you ask me. fuck school, fuck everything. fuck looking for a real career. screw it all, just let me lay around all day. that is the life.
my thought process is a little skewed. i notice things other people don't, and i miss a lot of things that are really obvious. i think i have some real mental problems, but they make me who i am. my parents have been trying to get me to go see a psychiatrist for a while now actually, but i don't want too. mostly, it is because i get these fairly severe bouts of depression. also, i actually think i am borderline schitzophrenic. i actually can have conversations with myself, in my head. i have memories of things, but it doesn't seem like i did them. i tell stories about other people, then realize later that it was actually me who had done that. people tell me stories about things i have done that i have no recollection of. sometimes, i watch myself do things and feel that i have no control over what is going on. i never really thought about it until i started blogging, but i think that these behaviors, at least on a regular basis are not normal. they definitely make life more interesting though. i can entertain myself rather easily. i don't know about everyone else, but i constantly have at least 3 or 4 trains of thought. i have the normal one, that is one layer below speaking. then i have one below that, that is thinking about what i am going to "say", and then commenting on it, while i am "talking" in my brain. then i have another one that is kind of controlling them both, if that makes any sense. then i have the last one, that is controlling my movements, and what i look at, and what the rest of my body is doing, and thinking about why i should be moving, and kind of interacting with the other ones to realize why i should be moving.
anyways, i can think back and realize how these things developed. the summer between 2nd and 3rd grade, i moved down here from alaska. i left all my friends, which was really tough. the first friend i had in washington turned out to be one of the most destructive relationships of my life. i hated the guy, but my mom made me hang out with him. everyone hated him, but he was my only friend. this made me an outcast right off the bat. it sucked, because things would have been awesome if had never met him. but i did, and it scarred me for life. i thought everyone hated me, which turned out to not be the case. but i thought everyone did. as a 3rd grader, thinking everyone hated me, i was very insecure, and very sensitive to what other people said and did. i turned into a weak little kid, who was constantly walked over, and constantly wondering what i was doing wrong. needless to say, this was a tough period, and extended until i was about 9th grade. i basically holed myself up between 3rd and 6th grade. between those times, i can count the number of friends i had on one hand. i didn't want to hang out with people, because they all hated me and would make fun of me, at least was my reasoning. so yeah, needless to say, i started junior high with little social skills, and under the impression that i was supposed to hate girls. which sucked, because girls were hot. so i was torn there, and finally just avoided girls because i was confused. anyways, junior high BLEW for me. my dad quit his job, and started a new business around here, so we had no money, which basically put a depressing pallor over our family. i regressed more, and in 8th grade pretty much hit rock bottom. i had no friends, nothing to do, all alone... it was hard. i tried to commit suicide a few times, but it never actually worked. i never actually could get myself to fall out of the window, after i already had my legs out, i could never actually cut my wrist deep enough to actually do damage. i still have a scar on my left wrist from where i slashed it in 8th grade. i tell people it was a boy scouts accident if they ever ask. after i got my dads hunting rifle out one day, but couldn't figure out how to work it, i decided i was in trouble, so i stopped trying to kill myself. i started ignoring school, which was kind of nice, except my drama class i was taking. also, i think this is the point where i finally realized that religion was not for me. it is hard to pinpoint that moment, but it was right around here. drama actually probably saved me, as wierd as it may seem. but whatever. drama in 8th grade. i made some friends, actually hung out with them and stuff. started talking to people again, talking to girls and such. 9th grade, i made some more friends, started having girls notice me, but had no idea what to do about it. had 1 or 2 failed romances, because i had no idea what to do. but it was a big step...... end of 9th grade, i was a much happier person. i actually had friends from 2 different cliques if you will, wasn't just that guy anymore. i wasn't the loner kid who never talked to anyone, who walked around with his head down. people actually knew my name. this was wierd. anyways, it lead to high school. so yeah, i get to high school, fairly happy. i had good friends, and i didn't really care what everyone else felt anymore. in high school, i didn't really have any girlfriends, mostly because i realized what a bad spot i was in when it came to dealing with females. i made a lot of really good female friends, but never actually had the balls to take it further. of course this just compounded matters, made things worse, but oh well. i could talk to girls now, and if they were my friends, flirt with them, but never go hit on someone i didn't know. damn, if i could do 10th grade over again. i just look back, and realize that these girls were really into me. like, there was this girl in my drivers ed class. she was in 11th grade, actually. she managed to work her way in line, so she would be in my car for the driving portion. in anycase, things were going pretty well, she was flirting mercilessly, and i didn't really realize what was going on (STUPID STUPID ME). anyways, it is drama festival time. i am assistant director for this play. i end up casting her for a role in the play, because i think she is my friend. she takes this as a sign of affection, and thinks i am playing hard to get. this point, i realize she might actually like me (my powers of the obvious were second to none), and wonder what i should do about it. anyways, she kind of blew it. she had this boyfriend, and she ended up dumping him, and she told me it was because he always wanted to kiss her and have sex and stuff, but it was really so she could get with me. she meant this as she didn't want to do this with him, but i took this as she didn't want to do shit with anyone, and especially me because she told me. i don't know why i thought this but i did. oh yeah, there was this other guy in the play, who would hit on this other girl all the time. he had it in his mind that he wanted both his chick, and my chick, so he would always give me this bad advice, that i would take, of course, that would kind of turn things backwards. oh man, i could have had anything and everything i ever dreamed of with this girl. looking back, she sooooooo wanted me. oh man, if only i could go back right now....... so yeah, 10th grade made me realize that girls rocked, and so i ended up having a lot of little flirty things with girls that never actually turned into anything. so i ended up with a lot of good female friends, or girls who hated me because they thought i was a tease in high school. 11th and 12th grade rocked. i had really good friends, and we didn't care in the least what anyone else thought of us. by 12th grade, we owned the school. it was pretty cool. 12th grade gave me self confidence that i had never had before, which led to college.
college, oh by college. i still haven't really had any relationships, but then again i haven't been looking for any. it just isn't important to me. perhaps it should be. when i was with ali, i was pretty damn happy. it felt good. i had no idea what to do, but i didn't really care. anyways, i don't know. i am not going to actively look for a girlfriend i have decided, but i am going to take a more proactive approach to talking to girls and stuff. this will be tough, and will probably take a while for me to get the balls to actually figure out, but it will be fun. a new challege if you will. something new for me to fuck around with.
i enjoy screwing off, and fucking around with things. look at some of the stuff i have done in the past year or so that i have found really funny, or some of the stuff i plan on doing. going raving, and actually turning down e-tards who want to make out with me. giving 3 14 year olds a ride home from a rave. wandering around in downtown kirkland at 5 in the morning, almost getting arrested. running around whistler villiage on shrooms. jumping off our second story balcony only in my underwear into a pile of snow. stealing 200 some traffic cones. wanting to join a youth group, just to see if i can convince everyone that i am a reformed christian.
thanks for reminding me. church has played a big role in my life. i went to chuch at first presbyterian church in bellevue. this is right near clyde hill and medina and all those rich ass swank neighborhoods. we were never rich, so i felt out of place. you would not believe how stuck up and snooty these people were. they didn't know me, so they wouldn't talk to me. literally, i would try to talk to people, and they would just scoff and turn around. i didn't wear clothes as nice as theirs, so they would actually make fun of me for it. the sunday school teachers did nothing. it was pretty angering. i actually almost punched a kid one time, because he stole my bike. we would play games, and i would always get picked last, even after all the girls. then, they would never throw me the football, or frisbee or anything, even though when i got it i was better than all of them. my team would usually win, because i would steal the football from the opposing team, or from my own teamates. i would run down impossible frisbees, then throw a perfect throw to the end zone. fuck them. i owned them, they knew it. pissed them off more.anyways, i hated sunday school. i have an inquisitive mind, so i would always ask questions about things that didn't make sense to me. this pissed the hell out of my sunday school teachers, because they didn't have an answer. this got me questioning religion as a whole at a young age. which, in my mind was a good thing. i watched my peers being spoon fed all this stuff that made no sense to me made me mad, and really makes me mad now. they didn't have the chance to formulate their own beliefs. i realized what was going on soon enough, so i got out when i could. i think it was 10th grade i actally told my parents. this destroyed my mom, and made my dad pretty mad at me. i was on their bad side for a long time because of it. my dad has accepted it, and actually understands my reasoning behind it now. he respects me, because i made my own decision, and stuck with it, especially because it is something i believe so strongly in. my mom still doesn't understand. she thinks it is just a phase i am going through. it was really annoying, because after i told her, she went and called all her friends, and told them about what a bad kid i was. my parents made me go to church with them still, which wasn't that bad, i didn't really care, and made me go talk to the pastor and shit. which i did, which SUCKED BALLS. the pastors at my church are dicks. i am offended when i go watch their sermons, because they denounce everything i believe, with no reasoning behind it. they just say, atheism is evil. just look in the bible, and everyone nods and grunts in agreement. so talking to this pastor, he wouldn't concede anything during our conversation. really pissed me off, finally i got mad and walked out of the room, got in the car, and refused to get out until we were home. fuck it. fuck religion. it makes me mad now. don't get me wrong, i have nothing against christans as a whole. i am not going to knock you for what you believe. i have put up with too much of that shit. but i will knock people who knock me for what i believe blindly. people who try to convert me just piss me off. people who fail to realize that it is ok for people not to be christian piss me off. people who don't give me a chance just because i am not christian piss me off.
i wish i was in shape. i wish i had a girlfriend. hell, i wish i had more skills with the opposite sex period. i wish i was more motivated in school. i wish people would judge me without getting to know me. i wish i was less judgemental.
this blog was self reflection. it is no way complete, it is just where my thoughts took me over the last 3 days. i will probably continue it in the next few days as well.........
this will be the quintessential WAnkblog. it is going to be as complete a self reflection as i can bear. don't read it if you don't want too. i just need to get some stuff out, for my own purposes. it will probably be interesting enough. at least, i know i am intruiged when i read what other people have to think about themselves. anyways...
Who am I. What defines me. what about myself do i like and dislike, both on a physical and emotional level. what made me who i am. what are some of the defining moments in my life. what would i like myself to be.
physically, i wouldn't call myself attractive, but i wouldn't say i am unbearable. there are certainly things i could improve upon, if i felt like it. i am not happy with the way i look, but then again no one is. i lack the motivation to do anything about it. i am not unhappy enough to actually take the time out to do stuff. i tolerate myself :)
i am extremely skinny. this is the number one thing i would change. i lack any fat or muscle. i am 6'4, 150 lbs. you can see my ribs. my joints have bones sticking out. it isn't from lack of eating, it is from an overactive metabolism. this is why i don't do anything about it. i could work out, but working out won't work. my body just eats up too much. in a few short years, my metabolism will slow down, and i can start looking normal, but until then i am fucked.
i am skinny, but i am not weak. i am fairly strong when i actually put my mind to it. i can run fast, and i am agile. i lack any endurance, but in a sprint i am a speedy little bastard. i always have been. again, i could work on this, but i am wayyyyy to lazy. this will become a theme, lack of motivation.... i have a decent tolerance to alcohol and drugs, but not a huge tolerance. it is just enough that i can't get myself really really sick. it is also just enough, that i get a pleasant fucked no matter what i do. it is pretty cool, actually.
so yeah, my physique is just horrible. there really isn't anything positive about it. any muscle i do have just looks funny because there is way too little of it. i guess my stomach is ok, because it is flat. my knees and elbows stick way out. my left knee is fucked up right now. i really should see a doctor. my whole knee cap is swollen. it is like, instead of a knee cap, there is just this liquid stuff. it doesn't hurt, and it doesn't impare my ability to use it, so i just ignore it. whatever, i will get it looked at eventually.
my face is rather uneven, mostly due to the guantly sickly look it has. my eyes and cheeks are sunk. my jawbones stick out. my neck is slender. but, with all this, my ears stick out, i have huge eyes with huge eyebrows that grow together and LONG eyelashes. my nose is borderline gigantic, and i have big lips. i think it makes me look kind of funny. somehow it kind of works. i wish my nose wasn't the huge potatoey lump it is, but i deal.
the saving grace to my face is my eyes. they change color depending on what i am wearing. they go from a light grey, to a dark blue, to what they are most of the time, a deep green. my eyes rock. people tend to get lost in them, if they actually look into them, which has always freaked me out a little bit, especially if i don't expect it. that is more of an emotional problem, and i will get to it ;) anyways, i must say my eyes are probably my most attractive feature, with the combination of the cool color, their size, and the long eyelashes. the only problem is, one of them is a little lower than the other. this kind of throws off my whole face. one of my ears is also lower than the other one. it really fucks shit up when i get a haircut. if you ever look at me, and think that something is slightly askew, it is because it is. my face is slanted. you have to look to actually notice, but i have had plenty of time to look, and believe me i have noticed :P
my hair is decent enough. from a physical standpoint, it is thick, shiny, and pretty damn nice. from a presentation standpoint, i could really care less. i like the way it looks most of the time. i don't like when it gets really long, because it poofs out. i don't like it really short, because i look like a chemo patient. in between, i really like the natural disheveled look it gets. i never do anything to my hair. i take a shower, and leave it, and what you see is what it does naturally. good stuff, i suppose, except a lot of times it kind of slants off in one direction or another. and, my hair is usually way too long, because i am too lazy to go get my hair cut. oh well, whatever. hair is hair
the clothes i wear, i could give a shit about, more or less. white t-shirt, baggy jeans. white t-shirt, baggy cargo pants. thats about it. always a tshirt. i have a few other tshirts i wear, but it is always with jeans or cargoes. i never wear shorts, because it is obvious how skinny my legs are. with baggy jeans, you can kind of tell, but you are constantly second guessing yourself. could his legs really be that skinny? nah, it is just my imagination. so yeah, i don't care about my wardrobe. too much money to waste.
when i walk somewhere, i usually just kind of phase out and go from point a to point b. it makes me look pretty funny i guess, but it gets me there. if i try to concentrate on something else, i will either get distracted and wander off, or i will trip myself or something. so, i just go, without looking or noticing, or anything. so yeah, my eyes are pretty much constantly looking down. that is part of the reason why. when i go to class, i try to sit alone, in the back corner, away from everything, and everyone. it helps me, when i am actually there. i don't like worrying about everyone else around me. i like to be alone, and i like to be near the door so i can get out fast.
i don't like talking to profs. i don't like talking to authority figures i don't know very well. hell, i don't like talking to people i don't really know very well period. it is kind of a catch 22, i know, but it is the truth. so yeah, i never go to office hours, i never ask for help, or raise my hand when i know the answer. i am there to learn, not talk. i feel uncomfortable when i am put on the spot in class. i usually know the answer, but i constantly second guess myself in case i don't know. i don't want to look stupid. so most of the time, i will just go i don't know to get out of it, if i can, even when i know the answer. kind of wierd.
i basically hate school. i don't see the point in it. this education is so damn important for some reason, but i haven't learned anything that will be actually useful in the past 4 years of school. now that i am in college, i am wasting all this money taking stupid classes i have no interest in, but are required for graduation. a load of bs, if you ask me. fuck school, fuck everything. fuck looking for a real career. screw it all, just let me lay around all day. that is the life.
my thought process is a little skewed. i notice things other people don't, and i miss a lot of things that are really obvious. i think i have some real mental problems, but they make me who i am. my parents have been trying to get me to go see a psychiatrist for a while now actually, but i don't want too. mostly, it is because i get these fairly severe bouts of depression. also, i actually think i am borderline schitzophrenic. i actually can have conversations with myself, in my head. i have memories of things, but it doesn't seem like i did them. i tell stories about other people, then realize later that it was actually me who had done that. people tell me stories about things i have done that i have no recollection of. sometimes, i watch myself do things and feel that i have no control over what is going on. i never really thought about it until i started blogging, but i think that these behaviors, at least on a regular basis are not normal. they definitely make life more interesting though. i can entertain myself rather easily. i don't know about everyone else, but i constantly have at least 3 or 4 trains of thought. i have the normal one, that is one layer below speaking. then i have one below that, that is thinking about what i am going to "say", and then commenting on it, while i am "talking" in my brain. then i have another one that is kind of controlling them both, if that makes any sense. then i have the last one, that is controlling my movements, and what i look at, and what the rest of my body is doing, and thinking about why i should be moving, and kind of interacting with the other ones to realize why i should be moving.
anyways, i can think back and realize how these things developed. the summer between 2nd and 3rd grade, i moved down here from alaska. i left all my friends, which was really tough. the first friend i had in washington turned out to be one of the most destructive relationships of my life. i hated the guy, but my mom made me hang out with him. everyone hated him, but he was my only friend. this made me an outcast right off the bat. it sucked, because things would have been awesome if had never met him. but i did, and it scarred me for life. i thought everyone hated me, which turned out to not be the case. but i thought everyone did. as a 3rd grader, thinking everyone hated me, i was very insecure, and very sensitive to what other people said and did. i turned into a weak little kid, who was constantly walked over, and constantly wondering what i was doing wrong. needless to say, this was a tough period, and extended until i was about 9th grade. i basically holed myself up between 3rd and 6th grade. between those times, i can count the number of friends i had on one hand. i didn't want to hang out with people, because they all hated me and would make fun of me, at least was my reasoning. so yeah, needless to say, i started junior high with little social skills, and under the impression that i was supposed to hate girls. which sucked, because girls were hot. so i was torn there, and finally just avoided girls because i was confused. anyways, junior high BLEW for me. my dad quit his job, and started a new business around here, so we had no money, which basically put a depressing pallor over our family. i regressed more, and in 8th grade pretty much hit rock bottom. i had no friends, nothing to do, all alone... it was hard. i tried to commit suicide a few times, but it never actually worked. i never actually could get myself to fall out of the window, after i already had my legs out, i could never actually cut my wrist deep enough to actually do damage. i still have a scar on my left wrist from where i slashed it in 8th grade. i tell people it was a boy scouts accident if they ever ask. after i got my dads hunting rifle out one day, but couldn't figure out how to work it, i decided i was in trouble, so i stopped trying to kill myself. i started ignoring school, which was kind of nice, except my drama class i was taking. also, i think this is the point where i finally realized that religion was not for me. it is hard to pinpoint that moment, but it was right around here. drama actually probably saved me, as wierd as it may seem. but whatever. drama in 8th grade. i made some friends, actually hung out with them and stuff. started talking to people again, talking to girls and such. 9th grade, i made some more friends, started having girls notice me, but had no idea what to do about it. had 1 or 2 failed romances, because i had no idea what to do. but it was a big step...... end of 9th grade, i was a much happier person. i actually had friends from 2 different cliques if you will, wasn't just that guy anymore. i wasn't the loner kid who never talked to anyone, who walked around with his head down. people actually knew my name. this was wierd. anyways, it lead to high school. so yeah, i get to high school, fairly happy. i had good friends, and i didn't really care what everyone else felt anymore. in high school, i didn't really have any girlfriends, mostly because i realized what a bad spot i was in when it came to dealing with females. i made a lot of really good female friends, but never actually had the balls to take it further. of course this just compounded matters, made things worse, but oh well. i could talk to girls now, and if they were my friends, flirt with them, but never go hit on someone i didn't know. damn, if i could do 10th grade over again. i just look back, and realize that these girls were really into me. like, there was this girl in my drivers ed class. she was in 11th grade, actually. she managed to work her way in line, so she would be in my car for the driving portion. in anycase, things were going pretty well, she was flirting mercilessly, and i didn't really realize what was going on (STUPID STUPID ME). anyways, it is drama festival time. i am assistant director for this play. i end up casting her for a role in the play, because i think she is my friend. she takes this as a sign of affection, and thinks i am playing hard to get. this point, i realize she might actually like me (my powers of the obvious were second to none), and wonder what i should do about it. anyways, she kind of blew it. she had this boyfriend, and she ended up dumping him, and she told me it was because he always wanted to kiss her and have sex and stuff, but it was really so she could get with me. she meant this as she didn't want to do this with him, but i took this as she didn't want to do shit with anyone, and especially me because she told me. i don't know why i thought this but i did. oh yeah, there was this other guy in the play, who would hit on this other girl all the time. he had it in his mind that he wanted both his chick, and my chick, so he would always give me this bad advice, that i would take, of course, that would kind of turn things backwards. oh man, i could have had anything and everything i ever dreamed of with this girl. looking back, she sooooooo wanted me. oh man, if only i could go back right now....... so yeah, 10th grade made me realize that girls rocked, and so i ended up having a lot of little flirty things with girls that never actually turned into anything. so i ended up with a lot of good female friends, or girls who hated me because they thought i was a tease in high school. 11th and 12th grade rocked. i had really good friends, and we didn't care in the least what anyone else thought of us. by 12th grade, we owned the school. it was pretty cool. 12th grade gave me self confidence that i had never had before, which led to college.
college, oh by college. i still haven't really had any relationships, but then again i haven't been looking for any. it just isn't important to me. perhaps it should be. when i was with ali, i was pretty damn happy. it felt good. i had no idea what to do, but i didn't really care. anyways, i don't know. i am not going to actively look for a girlfriend i have decided, but i am going to take a more proactive approach to talking to girls and stuff. this will be tough, and will probably take a while for me to get the balls to actually figure out, but it will be fun. a new challege if you will. something new for me to fuck around with.
i enjoy screwing off, and fucking around with things. look at some of the stuff i have done in the past year or so that i have found really funny, or some of the stuff i plan on doing. going raving, and actually turning down e-tards who want to make out with me. giving 3 14 year olds a ride home from a rave. wandering around in downtown kirkland at 5 in the morning, almost getting arrested. running around whistler villiage on shrooms. jumping off our second story balcony only in my underwear into a pile of snow. stealing 200 some traffic cones. wanting to join a youth group, just to see if i can convince everyone that i am a reformed christian.
thanks for reminding me. church has played a big role in my life. i went to chuch at first presbyterian church in bellevue. this is right near clyde hill and medina and all those rich ass swank neighborhoods. we were never rich, so i felt out of place. you would not believe how stuck up and snooty these people were. they didn't know me, so they wouldn't talk to me. literally, i would try to talk to people, and they would just scoff and turn around. i didn't wear clothes as nice as theirs, so they would actually make fun of me for it. the sunday school teachers did nothing. it was pretty angering. i actually almost punched a kid one time, because he stole my bike. we would play games, and i would always get picked last, even after all the girls. then, they would never throw me the football, or frisbee or anything, even though when i got it i was better than all of them. my team would usually win, because i would steal the football from the opposing team, or from my own teamates. i would run down impossible frisbees, then throw a perfect throw to the end zone. fuck them. i owned them, they knew it. pissed them off more.anyways, i hated sunday school. i have an inquisitive mind, so i would always ask questions about things that didn't make sense to me. this pissed the hell out of my sunday school teachers, because they didn't have an answer. this got me questioning religion as a whole at a young age. which, in my mind was a good thing. i watched my peers being spoon fed all this stuff that made no sense to me made me mad, and really makes me mad now. they didn't have the chance to formulate their own beliefs. i realized what was going on soon enough, so i got out when i could. i think it was 10th grade i actally told my parents. this destroyed my mom, and made my dad pretty mad at me. i was on their bad side for a long time because of it. my dad has accepted it, and actually understands my reasoning behind it now. he respects me, because i made my own decision, and stuck with it, especially because it is something i believe so strongly in. my mom still doesn't understand. she thinks it is just a phase i am going through. it was really annoying, because after i told her, she went and called all her friends, and told them about what a bad kid i was. my parents made me go to church with them still, which wasn't that bad, i didn't really care, and made me go talk to the pastor and shit. which i did, which SUCKED BALLS. the pastors at my church are dicks. i am offended when i go watch their sermons, because they denounce everything i believe, with no reasoning behind it. they just say, atheism is evil. just look in the bible, and everyone nods and grunts in agreement. so talking to this pastor, he wouldn't concede anything during our conversation. really pissed me off, finally i got mad and walked out of the room, got in the car, and refused to get out until we were home. fuck it. fuck religion. it makes me mad now. don't get me wrong, i have nothing against christans as a whole. i am not going to knock you for what you believe. i have put up with too much of that shit. but i will knock people who knock me for what i believe blindly. people who try to convert me just piss me off. people who fail to realize that it is ok for people not to be christian piss me off. people who don't give me a chance just because i am not christian piss me off.
i wish i was in shape. i wish i had a girlfriend. hell, i wish i had more skills with the opposite sex period. i wish i was more motivated in school. i wish people would judge me without getting to know me. i wish i was less judgemental.
this blog was self reflection. it is no way complete, it is just where my thoughts took me over the last 3 days. i will probably continue it in the next few days as well.........
