Thursday, August 16, 2001
here's the deal, i'll lay it all out for you right here.
i am just too chill for my own good. i am too into being the relaxed guy in the corner. so, people like me and stuff, i guess, but if anything could go on between me and someone, i would never know because i never make any sort of move at all. so me complaining about women is just stupid and pointless.
i didn't always used to be so chill and nonchalant. back in junior high and high school, i was one hyper mofo. they called me squirrely. i was all gung ho about shit that mattered to me, but no one else. i was proactive about stupid things, things that made no sense. that is what made my ultimate total lazyness such a joke. me and my friends, we were just crazy. we did stuff that was hilarious to us, but no one else really got, so they were scared. i cared about stuff and was fairly vocal with my opinions. usually they were wacky as well.
i am not hyper like that anymore. i got to college and decided to change myself around as much as i could. i was scared shitless the first few weeks of school, so i just didn't say anything. so i was just the chill new guy, and everyone seemed to accept me. so i stayed like that. trying to stay out of the way, be nonconfrontational and stuff. that is what i am now, when i am around groups of people, or anyone i don't really know, just chill.
lately, i have been beginning to remember my roots. being around ryan all summer has brought out some of the hyperness. we have learned to not care about anything, we retain that, but to be wierd-crazy on top of it, oh jeez. people have probably noticed this latent crazy inside, just watching me kind of flip out sometimes. i know dan has noticed. i know po and matt saw glimpses of it last year. but now it is becoming more frequent, and it is great. like at godfathers. that is the way i ALWAYS used to be. just random, doing shit, always moving, always messing with something, always trying to be as in the way as possible. so yeah, that is the real me, or was the real me. it was what i was during high school.
i don't think there is a "real me" per se. i am always on stage. i am always playing a character. i look at life as the improv game to beat all improv games. i see a lot of my drama background coming through as i play these characters. what would wank do right now. if ben were around instead of wank, what would his motivation be. is my blocking right? did my gesture come off as real? am i blocking anyones view? was my timing on that sentance right? how about the inflection? what emotion should i be portraying now? i find myself just talking to people about nothing, until my train of thought kicks in and i realize what i really should be talking about, so it looks like i know what i am doing. i am always trying to get people to buy my role, fuck with people, almost. but i am not really fucking with people, it is just the way i am. i am not trying to deceive, i am being me. i enjoy simple things in life. i can enjoy myself trying to convince people i know i am something i am completely not. me and ryan entertain ourselves all the time talking about random things that aren't true, like how we are going to kill someone we know out of spite, or how i am really the lord of the world, and what being the lord of the world entails. seriously, we talked for about 3 hours on this subject. it really passed the time.
funny thing happened tonight. ryan's parents got home today, which means no more smoking on his back porch. i took over some alcohol today, and put it in his fridge because i forgot they were getting home. i couldn't get it out, because his parents were there, so ryan has to get it back tomorrow. i was in the middle of a bong hit when they drove up the driveway. it was a mad dash.. oh shit! throw it under the porch! FUCK!! I dropped the bowl!! nOOOOOOO! anyways, i thought it was pretty funny, sitting there smoking up while they got back, and then having a conversation with them about their vacation. good times. we aren't morons like his little brother though. we didn't get caught.
so yeah, this message was sponsored by me. good evening, gentlemen
i am just too chill for my own good. i am too into being the relaxed guy in the corner. so, people like me and stuff, i guess, but if anything could go on between me and someone, i would never know because i never make any sort of move at all. so me complaining about women is just stupid and pointless.
i didn't always used to be so chill and nonchalant. back in junior high and high school, i was one hyper mofo. they called me squirrely. i was all gung ho about shit that mattered to me, but no one else. i was proactive about stupid things, things that made no sense. that is what made my ultimate total lazyness such a joke. me and my friends, we were just crazy. we did stuff that was hilarious to us, but no one else really got, so they were scared. i cared about stuff and was fairly vocal with my opinions. usually they were wacky as well.
i am not hyper like that anymore. i got to college and decided to change myself around as much as i could. i was scared shitless the first few weeks of school, so i just didn't say anything. so i was just the chill new guy, and everyone seemed to accept me. so i stayed like that. trying to stay out of the way, be nonconfrontational and stuff. that is what i am now, when i am around groups of people, or anyone i don't really know, just chill.
lately, i have been beginning to remember my roots. being around ryan all summer has brought out some of the hyperness. we have learned to not care about anything, we retain that, but to be wierd-crazy on top of it, oh jeez. people have probably noticed this latent crazy inside, just watching me kind of flip out sometimes. i know dan has noticed. i know po and matt saw glimpses of it last year. but now it is becoming more frequent, and it is great. like at godfathers. that is the way i ALWAYS used to be. just random, doing shit, always moving, always messing with something, always trying to be as in the way as possible. so yeah, that is the real me, or was the real me. it was what i was during high school.
i don't think there is a "real me" per se. i am always on stage. i am always playing a character. i look at life as the improv game to beat all improv games. i see a lot of my drama background coming through as i play these characters. what would wank do right now. if ben were around instead of wank, what would his motivation be. is my blocking right? did my gesture come off as real? am i blocking anyones view? was my timing on that sentance right? how about the inflection? what emotion should i be portraying now? i find myself just talking to people about nothing, until my train of thought kicks in and i realize what i really should be talking about, so it looks like i know what i am doing. i am always trying to get people to buy my role, fuck with people, almost. but i am not really fucking with people, it is just the way i am. i am not trying to deceive, i am being me. i enjoy simple things in life. i can enjoy myself trying to convince people i know i am something i am completely not. me and ryan entertain ourselves all the time talking about random things that aren't true, like how we are going to kill someone we know out of spite, or how i am really the lord of the world, and what being the lord of the world entails. seriously, we talked for about 3 hours on this subject. it really passed the time.
funny thing happened tonight. ryan's parents got home today, which means no more smoking on his back porch. i took over some alcohol today, and put it in his fridge because i forgot they were getting home. i couldn't get it out, because his parents were there, so ryan has to get it back tomorrow. i was in the middle of a bong hit when they drove up the driveway. it was a mad dash.. oh shit! throw it under the porch! FUCK!! I dropped the bowl!! nOOOOOOO! anyways, i thought it was pretty funny, sitting there smoking up while they got back, and then having a conversation with them about their vacation. good times. we aren't morons like his little brother though. we didn't get caught.
so yeah, this message was sponsored by me. good evening, gentlemen
