Friday, August 10, 2001
i need a woman. i suck too much to have a woman. i am too lazy to have a
woman. i don't know how to act when i do have a woman. i wish i had one,
but i never will. defeatocity declared, non-caring abound. if i did have a
woman, it would be wierd. when i think of myself, i don't think of having a
girlfriend. it is just out of character. i am not like matt, i don't need
to have someone all the time. maybe i do, and maybe that is why i suck so
much. the whole process of getting women just baffles me. where do people
meet, why do they meet, how do they start talking. i am too shy, too
worried about what other people will think. i need to be friends with
someone to be able to talk to them, and by them it is too late. i am to
meek. i don't have an assertive bone in my body. i need someone to do all
the work for me, a very agressive girl, who will come up to me, tell me
whats up, and keep me in line. i don't want to wear the pants. the only
problem is, most agressive girls are just sluts. they get bored with you
and throw you away, play mind games. girls suck. i am too lazy to have a
girl. why am i so lazy. why don't i have motivation to do anything. what
is my reason for being here at this moment. i don't have one. i have no
reason to wake up the next day. i live my life looking forward to one thing
or another. going to endfest, going to a rave, the party next weekend,
little things that convince me that i want to be alive for just a little bit
longer. but what now? i have nothing on tap, so to say. i really don't
have much to look forward too. all my money goes to rent. i work everyday,
come home exausted not wanting to do anything. weekends are always clouded
by the fact that i will have to work on monday. soon enough school will
start, and compound problems. i don't take school seriously, still. the
only difference now is that i can get b's and a's without doing anything.
it is impossible to fail classes at BCC. school is such bullshit. why am i
even bothering. what am i going to do with the rest of my life? i don't
know. thinking about it depresses me more. is it going to be like this?
toiling away, solely to exist. what is that. why bother. i don't want to
exist just for the sake of existing. i do all this work, to earn money,
wake up, blah blah blah, actually do stuff. (ok right now i don't, but when
ryan leaves, it is back to normal for me). and for what!!!! i make enough
money to pay the bills. thats it. i am semi struggling to stay out of debt
right now. and starting this fall, i will most likely be working less
hours, and have more expenses (books, etc). then i am in debt, and still
unable to do anything for myself. what kind of way to live is this? this
is stupid. why even bother. is this what i have to look forward to for the
next 10 years? jumping from paycheck to paycheck, not knowing if i will
have enough money to actually eat next month, let alone, god forbid, go to a
movie with my friends or something. i mean, if i am almost in debt now?
this sucks. what a waste of a perfectly good human being. this is why i
see things as pointless. this is why i lack all motivation. this is what i
am facing with the next large portion of my life. living from paycheck to
paycheck in a job i really have no passion for so i can pay some greedy,
paranoid landlord, always living in fear of eviction, termination, a life
devoid of any luxury besides lazyness, no real joy, no real point....
woman. i don't know how to act when i do have a woman. i wish i had one,
but i never will. defeatocity declared, non-caring abound. if i did have a
woman, it would be wierd. when i think of myself, i don't think of having a
girlfriend. it is just out of character. i am not like matt, i don't need
to have someone all the time. maybe i do, and maybe that is why i suck so
much. the whole process of getting women just baffles me. where do people
meet, why do they meet, how do they start talking. i am too shy, too
worried about what other people will think. i need to be friends with
someone to be able to talk to them, and by them it is too late. i am to
meek. i don't have an assertive bone in my body. i need someone to do all
the work for me, a very agressive girl, who will come up to me, tell me
whats up, and keep me in line. i don't want to wear the pants. the only
problem is, most agressive girls are just sluts. they get bored with you
and throw you away, play mind games. girls suck. i am too lazy to have a
girl. why am i so lazy. why don't i have motivation to do anything. what
is my reason for being here at this moment. i don't have one. i have no
reason to wake up the next day. i live my life looking forward to one thing
or another. going to endfest, going to a rave, the party next weekend,
little things that convince me that i want to be alive for just a little bit
longer. but what now? i have nothing on tap, so to say. i really don't
have much to look forward too. all my money goes to rent. i work everyday,
come home exausted not wanting to do anything. weekends are always clouded
by the fact that i will have to work on monday. soon enough school will
start, and compound problems. i don't take school seriously, still. the
only difference now is that i can get b's and a's without doing anything.
it is impossible to fail classes at BCC. school is such bullshit. why am i
even bothering. what am i going to do with the rest of my life? i don't
know. thinking about it depresses me more. is it going to be like this?
toiling away, solely to exist. what is that. why bother. i don't want to
exist just for the sake of existing. i do all this work, to earn money,
wake up, blah blah blah, actually do stuff. (ok right now i don't, but when
ryan leaves, it is back to normal for me). and for what!!!! i make enough
money to pay the bills. thats it. i am semi struggling to stay out of debt
right now. and starting this fall, i will most likely be working less
hours, and have more expenses (books, etc). then i am in debt, and still
unable to do anything for myself. what kind of way to live is this? this
is stupid. why even bother. is this what i have to look forward to for the
next 10 years? jumping from paycheck to paycheck, not knowing if i will
have enough money to actually eat next month, let alone, god forbid, go to a
movie with my friends or something. i mean, if i am almost in debt now?
this sucks. what a waste of a perfectly good human being. this is why i
see things as pointless. this is why i lack all motivation. this is what i
am facing with the next large portion of my life. living from paycheck to
paycheck in a job i really have no passion for so i can pay some greedy,
paranoid landlord, always living in fear of eviction, termination, a life
devoid of any luxury besides lazyness, no real joy, no real point....
