Tuesday, August 14, 2001
thinking....
thanks trip for responding, giving me stuff to think about. that is a good point about the TUG. i guess i do have goals, things i care about. eventually, i want to be completely free of my parents, mostly in the financial sense. that is my ultimate goal right now. college, whatever, i don't really have any goals academically at this point. thinking about my job. if it came down to a choice between staying and going at work, i think the kicker would be money. i don't really care TOO much about money, but i have to care about it to survive. if the raise was substantial enough, and they hired me on full time and offered me benefits.... i think i would have to do it. it all depends on the raise. doing what my co workers do now would not be worth it they like offered me a dollar more. but if they bumped me up to like $15-$20 an hour, it would be hard to turn down, especially with benefits. imagine having disposable income. imagine having your own health plan, and even more important dental plan. imagine not having to my parents claim me as a dependant on their tax form. these are things that would make me feel better about myself. having extra money, money to put in a bank. to have this money build up, gain interest, be there if i need it, to say make a down payment on a car, or a house, or tuition, or pay back my parents. people can say they don't care about money, but this is impossible in our society. if you try to forget about money, it will kick your ass. financial security sounds very comforting to me, even if it is just for a year or so. that would still be a year straight of a normal, independent life. i would be further along my way to becoming an adult, if you remember a discussion we had a few months ago...... disposable income, what a glorious thing that must be....
anyways, my day at work today. the morning was.... exciting i suppose. yesterday, there was this guy in a red car parked along the road next to our park when we got there. this was like, 7 am, a little suspicious. then he drove off and started circling the block. eventually, someone else showed up, and they got out of their cars, and went to his trunk, then both drove off, and we didn't see him again, until today. he was their again, doing the same thing, but this time he had this ugly fat woman with him. eventually, he stopped and another car pulled up, with another guy, and a strung out looking skinny blonde chick. again, they got out of their cars, and went to his trunk. the time, they all got in the other car, and drove away. when we left, his car was still there. this to me screams drugs. i cannot count the number of drug transactions i have seen go down near our parks. they happen all the time, it is kind of funny. normally ryan and i cheer them. but today, our coworkers were feeling really uncomfortable. hell, i was feeling a little uncomfortable, we were really close to them. so my co workers called the cops. i don't really like cops, they annoy me. so, 2 squad cars came, we spent about 2 minutes explaining the situation. then the cops sat their bullshitting for about 45 min. they couldn't even see the car where they were from. they said they would be around, watching, but we never saw them again.
this kind of goes against what i feel about the situation. i would not have called the cops. i don't really mind drug trade. and i definitely don't want to have to deal with cops. i guess it is different for my coworkers, they are all mid-late 20's. but cops still don't like me. they asked me a question, i answered, they asked the same question to my coworkers. after that, i just kind of walked off. i didn't want to have to deal with them any more. fuck them. so yeah, some dude is going to get busted, and it is partly my fault. probably just some crack dealer anyways, won't affect me.... but now it could. what if he gets caught, and tells his friends it was us. then they are mad, and they come and shoot us. guns and crime are real. i had some dude point a gun at me just for driving past near one of my parks. that was real. the thought of having one of these dealers mad at me scares the shit out of me. i am more uncomfortable now than i was before. one more day at this park, then i don't have to go back for a while. good shiz. at lunch, i had a dream that i was beating up drug dealers who were trying to kill me. several scenarios ran through my head. one of them, i pulled out a gun and shot one of them because they were going to kill one of my coworkers. killed, by me. luckily it was a dream. guns scare the shit out of me. i don't feel comfortable around them. if someone living with me had a gun, i wouldn't feel safe. guns can kill in an instant. no amount of protection could counteract the fact that someone could make a mistake and shoot me by accident in my own house, for any reason, no matter how rediculous.
bah, thinking about death sucks. i was really hit hard yesterday when i heard that my friend was dead. i was mad at his parents. i don't know the whole story though, they probably had a perfectly good reason, and made the best decision. but still, my mind wanders, and makes up stories.
i feel like shit. i try not to show it, but i am hurting right now. i need something to look forward in the next few weeks. right now things are seeming pointless. why bother going to work. why bother eating or sleeping. why bother doing anything.
thanks trip for responding, giving me stuff to think about. that is a good point about the TUG. i guess i do have goals, things i care about. eventually, i want to be completely free of my parents, mostly in the financial sense. that is my ultimate goal right now. college, whatever, i don't really have any goals academically at this point. thinking about my job. if it came down to a choice between staying and going at work, i think the kicker would be money. i don't really care TOO much about money, but i have to care about it to survive. if the raise was substantial enough, and they hired me on full time and offered me benefits.... i think i would have to do it. it all depends on the raise. doing what my co workers do now would not be worth it they like offered me a dollar more. but if they bumped me up to like $15-$20 an hour, it would be hard to turn down, especially with benefits. imagine having disposable income. imagine having your own health plan, and even more important dental plan. imagine not having to my parents claim me as a dependant on their tax form. these are things that would make me feel better about myself. having extra money, money to put in a bank. to have this money build up, gain interest, be there if i need it, to say make a down payment on a car, or a house, or tuition, or pay back my parents. people can say they don't care about money, but this is impossible in our society. if you try to forget about money, it will kick your ass. financial security sounds very comforting to me, even if it is just for a year or so. that would still be a year straight of a normal, independent life. i would be further along my way to becoming an adult, if you remember a discussion we had a few months ago...... disposable income, what a glorious thing that must be....
anyways, my day at work today. the morning was.... exciting i suppose. yesterday, there was this guy in a red car parked along the road next to our park when we got there. this was like, 7 am, a little suspicious. then he drove off and started circling the block. eventually, someone else showed up, and they got out of their cars, and went to his trunk, then both drove off, and we didn't see him again, until today. he was their again, doing the same thing, but this time he had this ugly fat woman with him. eventually, he stopped and another car pulled up, with another guy, and a strung out looking skinny blonde chick. again, they got out of their cars, and went to his trunk. the time, they all got in the other car, and drove away. when we left, his car was still there. this to me screams drugs. i cannot count the number of drug transactions i have seen go down near our parks. they happen all the time, it is kind of funny. normally ryan and i cheer them. but today, our coworkers were feeling really uncomfortable. hell, i was feeling a little uncomfortable, we were really close to them. so my co workers called the cops. i don't really like cops, they annoy me. so, 2 squad cars came, we spent about 2 minutes explaining the situation. then the cops sat their bullshitting for about 45 min. they couldn't even see the car where they were from. they said they would be around, watching, but we never saw them again.
this kind of goes against what i feel about the situation. i would not have called the cops. i don't really mind drug trade. and i definitely don't want to have to deal with cops. i guess it is different for my coworkers, they are all mid-late 20's. but cops still don't like me. they asked me a question, i answered, they asked the same question to my coworkers. after that, i just kind of walked off. i didn't want to have to deal with them any more. fuck them. so yeah, some dude is going to get busted, and it is partly my fault. probably just some crack dealer anyways, won't affect me.... but now it could. what if he gets caught, and tells his friends it was us. then they are mad, and they come and shoot us. guns and crime are real. i had some dude point a gun at me just for driving past near one of my parks. that was real. the thought of having one of these dealers mad at me scares the shit out of me. i am more uncomfortable now than i was before. one more day at this park, then i don't have to go back for a while. good shiz. at lunch, i had a dream that i was beating up drug dealers who were trying to kill me. several scenarios ran through my head. one of them, i pulled out a gun and shot one of them because they were going to kill one of my coworkers. killed, by me. luckily it was a dream. guns scare the shit out of me. i don't feel comfortable around them. if someone living with me had a gun, i wouldn't feel safe. guns can kill in an instant. no amount of protection could counteract the fact that someone could make a mistake and shoot me by accident in my own house, for any reason, no matter how rediculous.
bah, thinking about death sucks. i was really hit hard yesterday when i heard that my friend was dead. i was mad at his parents. i don't know the whole story though, they probably had a perfectly good reason, and made the best decision. but still, my mind wanders, and makes up stories.
i feel like shit. i try not to show it, but i am hurting right now. i need something to look forward in the next few weeks. right now things are seeming pointless. why bother going to work. why bother eating or sleeping. why bother doing anything.
