Friday, August 10, 2001
this is why i have stopped blogging. depression setting in, i can feel it.
who cares, depression is just a part of my life. i can't escape it. the
solution? who knows. therapy? send myself further into debt so some
stuffy guy can tell me what i already know? but hey, you get a free
addiction to overpriced prescription anti depression drugs. great, sounds
good. suicide? seems more and more feasible, but is such a cop out. this
just proves that everything i have ever done was pointless. this proves the
eternal whatever was right, that i was a useless human being. i say fuck
that. rebellion against expectation, against what life is driving me
towards. i spit in the face of life by deciding to keep going with it. the
best way i can think of to rebel against life itself is by deciding to
continue on with it. just deal with it? sounds good for now. i don't care
about anything, but eventually something will come up. in a few days, there
will be something else to look forward too that will make the next 2 weeks
worth living, and on, and on, in an endless cycle, spiraling towards nothing
in particular. pointless yes, but who cares. i am beginning to care less
and less. conformity is so easy. just take my place, a faceless member of
society. working, living, eating if possible. never really making a mark,
but then again, never leaving a way to be tracked. anonymity can be bliss,
or absolute terror. it is all in how you look at it. you try to think that
someday, you will do something that people will remember you for, anyone
will remember you for. everyone will always be remembered by someone when
they die. until that person dies...... then you are lost. every day
people die in anonymity. never having done anything. never having
accomplished their goals. they just existed, for the sake of existing. no
real reason behind them. but they had a job, a family, a house, all good
things. but things that are not forever. nothing is forever. jobs end.
jobs become obsolete. jobs stay the same, while cost of living rises. jobs
send you into a rut of unfounded bitterness. jobs teach you to resent, to
hate, but also to accept, to conform, to forget. some people care about
their job, most people don't. to most people, a job is a way to waste half
their day, but get paid for it. get paid so they can pay for their house,
and sleep the other half of the day. a house is a wonderful thing. a place
to call home. who would know that a place would cost so much. how much is
a plot of land? $100000? how do you attach a price to a place. it has
always been there. why so expensive? how is this expense justified. who
makes these prices. how much does it actually cost to build a house. why
does it cost so much to simply live somewhere. but it is worth it, to have
a place to live. even if it costs money, at least you have a place to
simply exist, even if it is a pointless existance. provide for your family,
give them a place to exist, until they move out and are forced to take on
your role, existing without purpose so eventually hopefully they can have a
family, and a house, and can perpetuate the cycle. endless lines of people,
simply living, only real purpose is to procreate so they have someone to
support and carefore, try to give meaning to an otherwise pointless life.
here i am, at an impasse in my life. no real reason to do anything.
realizing i don't want to just do anything, but having no idea of what i
really want to do. making a difference in other peoples lives doesn't
really effect me at this point. i am not a humanitarian. i don't have this
inane need to "help those less fortunate," read "get screwed in the ass by
mooching bitches." people have control over their own lives. i am annoyed
at a lot of things in our society, and the way things work. i choose to
block it all out, because i know there is no way i can change it. i don't
care about making a difference, to put myself on the map with everyone else.
i am more concerned about making a difference with me. convincing myself
that there is a reason for me, that it isn't all just pointless. when i get
this figured out, i can worry about other people. right now i am pointless.
