Sunday, June 23, 2002
too blog, or not too blog.... that has been the question all too often lately.
it just seems like i have so much pulling me around lately. expectations from everywhere, expectations that i really don't want to meet, or really care about meeting. expectations to go back to college from my parents, expectations to destroy my body and mind overworking myself, expectations to clean up my house, expectations to provide entertaining and thought provoking conversation, expectations to provide a life as interesting as ryans in bellingham this summer, hell, expectations to throw a successful lan party this weekend.
-college, i might actually do it this fall. more on this sometime in the future
-work, i refuse to overwork myself like my coworkers do, especially with no chance of upward movement.
-cleaning, it isn't that bad, it is how we have been living for months, and it is stupid to try to convince ourselves that it actually matters, because we have been ignoring it and happy. people have different comfort levels, and for these levels to change so drastically is just bullshit. i'm not going to waste the time or effort trying to be something i'm not.
-conversation, i feel like i am just talking to myself lately, and no one really cares what i am saying. i feel like people are just putting up with me because i fill a silence that would otherwise just be uncomfortable. yet, i am talking which is something i didn't do a lot of when i was growing up. i would rather be slightly annoying than completely unnoticed.
-ryan, i know doesn't care about what happens this summer. it will be fun no matter what. he lives a completely different lifestyle, a lifestyle i could never handle. even when i was in my so called drunken partying heydey in college, even when i considered myself a "raver", i never was as cool as i thought i was. ryan is my hero. he lives the life i don't have the balls or will to live. i am happy with my so called boring existance. i will be happy with whatever glimpses of his rockstar life i can get.
-lan party, i am not even going to go into, lol.
still, i have had all these doubts lately. doubts that are just kind of tugging me around. doubts i am struggling to keep from consuming me. it is a wierd feeling for me, not to be consumed by fear and depression. i dunno, i guess i have changed so much for the better, yet i have resisted this change 90% of the time. and here i am, still resisting.
i am not a boring person, yet i'm not all that exciting. i have done things that make for incredible stories, yet when i look back at them they weren't that exciting. its just a wierd thing sometimes... i wish for all these things, yet i don't actually want them. i mean seriously. sometimes i really wish i had a girlfriend, but really i don't want one. its not that i am opposed to the thought, but what would a girlfriend add to my life? do i really need another person to add meaning to my life? it is my life, i shouldn't need someone else to define it. yet i sit here, trying to compare myself to people anyways, trying to associate myself with people who's lives i wish i had. yet, if i actually had their lives i wouldn't be able to handle it. i wish i was getting laid, but really, am i really missing that much? it has never, and never will be as good as it is in my head. i don't have any sort of out of control sex drive that makes me need it. hell, i don't think i really have a sex drive at all. is there something wrong with me because of this? is it wrong that i don't need sex or other physical sensual contact from another person whatsoever? maybe i really do need it, its just i've been repressing this need for so long that it has no way to come out. maybe some day i will actually have this incredible sex that is everything i have built it up to be and i will open a flood gate of predatory sexual tendancies. who knows what is actually going on in that mind of mine.
my mind is so scattered. i can't focus on a topic long enough to actually figure things out anymore. well i can, i just have trouble doing it. i used to be able to focus in on a problem, and work through it until i got a solution that satisfied me. the wierd thing is, now that i am more or less sober, i have lost any sort of concentration i used to have. it really makes me think and wonder about the mind enhancing qualities of the various drugs i have taken in the past.... it really makes me wish i didn't have work or any sort of responsibilites so i could experiment more with this dilemma i am having. was i better off with all the drugs?
work, bah. i keep telling myself, there are so many things i would do if i didn't have to work the next morning. but in reality, what would happen. i wouldn't actually do a whole lot. i'd probably play even more videogames than i do right now, drink almost everynight, and complain about how boring my life is. the only thing that i would really add is alcoholism...
but still, i feel like i am wasting time at work. i mean, basically it takes up 9-10 hours every day. ideally, i would get 9-10 hours of sleep. if you put those together, that leaves me with like 2-3 hours to actually do stuff. thats fucked. so what happens? i don't sleep. i stay up late. so i am tired all the time. which means i don't actually do anything. instead of sleeping, i sit around in a daze watching tv, playing DAOC, or chatting online. even if i had the motivation to do something, it would be stifled by exhastion. its a viscious cycle that just keeps repeating itself. i mean look at me now. i haven't strung any real sleep together for about a week and a half, and here i am blogging instead of going to sleep. i have to wake up in about 6 hours or something absolutely rediculous to go to work tomorrow. its retarded.
i have been having a lot of trouble sleeping lately. its a lot of things really. i have trouble falling asleep before 1 naturally, and it is nearly impossible for me to sleep before midnight. i am naturally a deeply nocturnal person. i can remember back in time when i was like 8 or whatever, staying up until 4 in the morning night after night reading judy blume books and stuff. i just can't function on a regular 9-5 work cycle, LET ALONE a 7-3 work cycle. i would probably be much better off staying awake until work, then sleeping from 4pm to 2am or so. but this would shut me off from all semblances of a social life. it would just be rediculous. i wouldn't be tired, but i would be a complete hermit....
i also have a lot of trouble sleeping in my room. its always hot, yet i can't sleep with the window open. my window faces 75th, which is always always busy. even in the middle of the night there are cars going past, and it is rediculously loud. so i sit here tossing and turning, with the noise from traffic turned down to a dull roar. also, my door is really thin and there is basically no sound insulation. i shudder at the thought of the countless exhasted mornings i have in store for me.
soon enough i will be out of this run down little house with its hot attic and annoying neighbors. there will be no direct frontage to a major traffic thoroughfare (hopefully). there will definitely not be any 4 am jolts out of bed due to roomates screaming at the top of their lungs at some inconsequential thing during a soccer match...
maybe i'm just tired and cranky right now. i need some sleep, some good sleep. i really wish i had been able to sleep all weekend. i'm going to pass out at work tomorrow.
it just seems like i have so much pulling me around lately. expectations from everywhere, expectations that i really don't want to meet, or really care about meeting. expectations to go back to college from my parents, expectations to destroy my body and mind overworking myself, expectations to clean up my house, expectations to provide entertaining and thought provoking conversation, expectations to provide a life as interesting as ryans in bellingham this summer, hell, expectations to throw a successful lan party this weekend.
-college, i might actually do it this fall. more on this sometime in the future
-work, i refuse to overwork myself like my coworkers do, especially with no chance of upward movement.
-cleaning, it isn't that bad, it is how we have been living for months, and it is stupid to try to convince ourselves that it actually matters, because we have been ignoring it and happy. people have different comfort levels, and for these levels to change so drastically is just bullshit. i'm not going to waste the time or effort trying to be something i'm not.
-conversation, i feel like i am just talking to myself lately, and no one really cares what i am saying. i feel like people are just putting up with me because i fill a silence that would otherwise just be uncomfortable. yet, i am talking which is something i didn't do a lot of when i was growing up. i would rather be slightly annoying than completely unnoticed.
-ryan, i know doesn't care about what happens this summer. it will be fun no matter what. he lives a completely different lifestyle, a lifestyle i could never handle. even when i was in my so called drunken partying heydey in college, even when i considered myself a "raver", i never was as cool as i thought i was. ryan is my hero. he lives the life i don't have the balls or will to live. i am happy with my so called boring existance. i will be happy with whatever glimpses of his rockstar life i can get.
-lan party, i am not even going to go into, lol.
still, i have had all these doubts lately. doubts that are just kind of tugging me around. doubts i am struggling to keep from consuming me. it is a wierd feeling for me, not to be consumed by fear and depression. i dunno, i guess i have changed so much for the better, yet i have resisted this change 90% of the time. and here i am, still resisting.
i am not a boring person, yet i'm not all that exciting. i have done things that make for incredible stories, yet when i look back at them they weren't that exciting. its just a wierd thing sometimes... i wish for all these things, yet i don't actually want them. i mean seriously. sometimes i really wish i had a girlfriend, but really i don't want one. its not that i am opposed to the thought, but what would a girlfriend add to my life? do i really need another person to add meaning to my life? it is my life, i shouldn't need someone else to define it. yet i sit here, trying to compare myself to people anyways, trying to associate myself with people who's lives i wish i had. yet, if i actually had their lives i wouldn't be able to handle it. i wish i was getting laid, but really, am i really missing that much? it has never, and never will be as good as it is in my head. i don't have any sort of out of control sex drive that makes me need it. hell, i don't think i really have a sex drive at all. is there something wrong with me because of this? is it wrong that i don't need sex or other physical sensual contact from another person whatsoever? maybe i really do need it, its just i've been repressing this need for so long that it has no way to come out. maybe some day i will actually have this incredible sex that is everything i have built it up to be and i will open a flood gate of predatory sexual tendancies. who knows what is actually going on in that mind of mine.
my mind is so scattered. i can't focus on a topic long enough to actually figure things out anymore. well i can, i just have trouble doing it. i used to be able to focus in on a problem, and work through it until i got a solution that satisfied me. the wierd thing is, now that i am more or less sober, i have lost any sort of concentration i used to have. it really makes me think and wonder about the mind enhancing qualities of the various drugs i have taken in the past.... it really makes me wish i didn't have work or any sort of responsibilites so i could experiment more with this dilemma i am having. was i better off with all the drugs?
work, bah. i keep telling myself, there are so many things i would do if i didn't have to work the next morning. but in reality, what would happen. i wouldn't actually do a whole lot. i'd probably play even more videogames than i do right now, drink almost everynight, and complain about how boring my life is. the only thing that i would really add is alcoholism...
but still, i feel like i am wasting time at work. i mean, basically it takes up 9-10 hours every day. ideally, i would get 9-10 hours of sleep. if you put those together, that leaves me with like 2-3 hours to actually do stuff. thats fucked. so what happens? i don't sleep. i stay up late. so i am tired all the time. which means i don't actually do anything. instead of sleeping, i sit around in a daze watching tv, playing DAOC, or chatting online. even if i had the motivation to do something, it would be stifled by exhastion. its a viscious cycle that just keeps repeating itself. i mean look at me now. i haven't strung any real sleep together for about a week and a half, and here i am blogging instead of going to sleep. i have to wake up in about 6 hours or something absolutely rediculous to go to work tomorrow. its retarded.
i have been having a lot of trouble sleeping lately. its a lot of things really. i have trouble falling asleep before 1 naturally, and it is nearly impossible for me to sleep before midnight. i am naturally a deeply nocturnal person. i can remember back in time when i was like 8 or whatever, staying up until 4 in the morning night after night reading judy blume books and stuff. i just can't function on a regular 9-5 work cycle, LET ALONE a 7-3 work cycle. i would probably be much better off staying awake until work, then sleeping from 4pm to 2am or so. but this would shut me off from all semblances of a social life. it would just be rediculous. i wouldn't be tired, but i would be a complete hermit....
i also have a lot of trouble sleeping in my room. its always hot, yet i can't sleep with the window open. my window faces 75th, which is always always busy. even in the middle of the night there are cars going past, and it is rediculously loud. so i sit here tossing and turning, with the noise from traffic turned down to a dull roar. also, my door is really thin and there is basically no sound insulation. i shudder at the thought of the countless exhasted mornings i have in store for me.
soon enough i will be out of this run down little house with its hot attic and annoying neighbors. there will be no direct frontage to a major traffic thoroughfare (hopefully). there will definitely not be any 4 am jolts out of bed due to roomates screaming at the top of their lungs at some inconsequential thing during a soccer match...
maybe i'm just tired and cranky right now. i need some sleep, some good sleep. i really wish i had been able to sleep all weekend. i'm going to pass out at work tomorrow.
