Tuesday, July 23, 2002
god, i can hear the freaking crickets. my webpage hates me, because i don't update it...
bleh, time for a sober blog, its been too long.
my thought process has completely stopped. i don't really know why. its just like in the past few months, i haven't been doing anything, and my brain has decided to take a vacation. i need something to kickstart it, because its been lonely in here without myself to talk too...
ryan mentioned something a while ago that i've been thinking about a lot lately. its on the whole subject of caring. there is a huge difference between being bitter and just being jaded. i may have talked about this before, but i'm going off on it again. i mean, for a long time i thought i was bitter, because i thought all jaded people were inherently bitter. i mean, they kind of go hand in hand. but then ryan said, you aren't bitter, you have to care to be bitter. and then it was one of those zen like moments where both of us just kind of stood there. in fact, i'm not even sure who said it. maybe it was me who said it to him. anyways, one of us blurted out these words without really thinking, and then we just kind of stood there for a second with this giddy sense of realization. i dunno, its changed the way i think a lot. i used to think i was bitter, but now i know i'm just jaded. whenever i am feeling bitter, i remind myself (or ryan reminds me) that i don't have to care. then i'm content and happy.
well, happy to a certain degree... why does everyone always strive to be happy? i don't think anyone is striving for complete happiness all the time. i mean, if you were truely happy all the time you would kill yourself. it would be maddening. i think what most people who are striving for happiness are truely striving for the a complete lack of emotion. i mean, if you are completely neutral, you will always be at least content, if not happy. no one can be happy all the time. its just not possible. so when people are saying, i just want to be happy in life, people are really saying i just want to have a few seconds to myself where i don't have to feel.
people will argue that happiness is the opposite of things like anger and depression and such. people just assume that once they pull themselves out of depression, they will be happy. happiness and depression aren't absolutes though. i mean, nothing is really an absolute. once you pull yourself out of depression, you reach that sense of normalcy that people refer too as happiness. but it isn't really happiness. happiness is a complete different emotion. you can be happy for a while, but you can't be happy all the time. everyone comes down off that happy high back into an emotionless state for at least a moment. i guess i seek neutrality.
there is something fascinating about balance. people always seem to want something to be one way or the other. i want things to be right in between. the world needs balance.... ok i'm sounding cliche and borderline hippyish here, but oh well. actually not really hippyish at all. what do i sound like. fucked, don't know don't care. i sound wierd... alright...
anyways, i want to seek a balance in life. i don't like things to be at extremes all the time. the constant shift makes me queasy. i mean, if you are right in the center of the emotional spectrum, you have so much more flexibility. i mean, you have the ability to love, hate, like, dislike, be happy, be sad, etc etc etc all at the same time. if you are like really sad, and something good happens, all that can really happen is to feel a little less sad. but whatever. balance is great.
maybe this is why work pisses me off so much. there is not enough balance between the weekday and weekend. its like, work screws up 5 entire days, because even when you aren't at work you are tired from work, or holding back because you have to wake up for work the next day. and in reality, this also screws up friday and monday, so the only real day you have to let loose is saturday. thats one day out of seven. i want 3 days out of 7 at least. cripes...
this past friday, i went out with some of my current and ex-coworkers for a few beers. actually, i don't think we went out for a few beers, but that ended up being my purpose for being there. we were talking about girls and relationships and stuff, and someone said i was innocent. i don't know that i would call myself innocent. i definitely have innocent moments, and i definitely give off sort of an innocent aura at times, but i think that i am better off than most guys. i mean, how long have i been working for starflower, 2 something years. through this time, most of my coworkers and even the contract labor we get have been females between the ages of 18-27. what do they talk about? their relationships, guys, other girls, you know, standard fare. i've weaseled my way into their little sphere of comfort, so they seem to talk relatively freely and at times really really want to give out advice. i don't really have much to offer back, so i just kind of absorb information. i'm like this huge estrogen sponge or something, just waiting to be wrung out on some unsuspecting girl. its also made me realize a lot about myself, and what type of person i am as compared what type of person i want to be, and more importantly how to begin to be the person i want to be. i think i have changed a lot in the past 2 years. i think anyone who knew me before starflower wouldn't recognize me now, and not just because i have long hair.
one thing i have realized, is that i have pretty high standards when it comes to women. there is absolutely nothing wrong with having high standards as long as you don't mind being alone a lot, which i don't. in fact, i kind of enjoy being alone. i'm sure there will be a day where i am starving for a female presence, but right now i really don't care. its wierd, because it seems like not too long ago i was all whiney because i didn't have a girlfriend. that was stupid, and i don't know why i did that anymore.
anyways, back to this whole beer with coworkers thing. i had a lot of fun. i didn't mean to drink as much as i did, but oh well. i'm a fan of being drunk, i just felt strange being drunk around my coworkers. i really doubt they cared in the slightest. in fact, i think all of us drank a little more than we had expected. but anyways, it was a strange situation, almost like the first few times i drank around my parents. i mean, not that bad, but that same sort of feeling you know? it was really funny, because when i was stoned sunday night, i got really really paranoid that everyone was going to hate me because i was drunk on friday, and that i was going to show up and everyone was going to be mad at me, and look down on me. i was especially afraid that my favorite ex-coworker was going to have spread all these nasty stories about what a scary alcoholic i was and how i almost killed her on the drive home on multiple occasions. i kind of missed a driveway and backed into a curb when i was turning around getting out of my parking spot near the bar. my shocks are bad to begin with, so it probably seemed a lot worse that it was, but apparently it was something to be embarassed about. the embarassing thing is, the combination of drinking before the event and drinking after the event made the details about it a little fuzzy, and i didn't even really remember until ryan told me about it the next day. my car was acting stupid on sunday when i drove it again for the first time since the incident, and i was all scared i had done something to my car. but now its driving the same, and it was only the engine protesting how hot it was outside. my shock is still making the same creaking sound it was before i did this, so that sucks. in hindsight, maybe i should have hit the damn curb harder to try and knock the shock back into place and stop the creaking. because its really damn annoying....
i guess what i'm trying to say is that i always think i'm much cooler than i am when i'm drunk (imagine that). i mean, i think i am a pretty swankin drunk guy, as long as you are drunk too. i probably seem like a buffoon if you aren't, but thats the way it is with everyone. drunk people need to stick together, it makes it a lot more fun for everyone.
sometimes i wonder if i am an alcoholic, because i drink so much. its not even that i drink a lot, its that i drink often. i'm not an alcoholic in a bad sense. i enjoy drinking. i derive pleasure from it. when it stops being fun, but i still keep doing it, and doing it in excess, thats when i will really be an alcoholic. alcoholism is a wierd thing, because alcohol isn't naturally addictive like cigarettes or heroine or stuff like that. its more of a mental addiction. i still don't think i'm at the point where i am an alcoholic. i don't think i'm capable of becoming mentally addicted to anything, i'm too lazy and have too short of an attention span. i've said it before, but i wish i could be addicted to something, just to know what it feels like. i think it would be kind of an interesting experience.
well, i want to write more, but i have to go home, and it sucks, because i know i'm not going to write when i get there. so this is going to have to be it for a while. hopefully not that long..... i really missed blogging...
bleh, time for a sober blog, its been too long.
my thought process has completely stopped. i don't really know why. its just like in the past few months, i haven't been doing anything, and my brain has decided to take a vacation. i need something to kickstart it, because its been lonely in here without myself to talk too...
ryan mentioned something a while ago that i've been thinking about a lot lately. its on the whole subject of caring. there is a huge difference between being bitter and just being jaded. i may have talked about this before, but i'm going off on it again. i mean, for a long time i thought i was bitter, because i thought all jaded people were inherently bitter. i mean, they kind of go hand in hand. but then ryan said, you aren't bitter, you have to care to be bitter. and then it was one of those zen like moments where both of us just kind of stood there. in fact, i'm not even sure who said it. maybe it was me who said it to him. anyways, one of us blurted out these words without really thinking, and then we just kind of stood there for a second with this giddy sense of realization. i dunno, its changed the way i think a lot. i used to think i was bitter, but now i know i'm just jaded. whenever i am feeling bitter, i remind myself (or ryan reminds me) that i don't have to care. then i'm content and happy.
well, happy to a certain degree... why does everyone always strive to be happy? i don't think anyone is striving for complete happiness all the time. i mean, if you were truely happy all the time you would kill yourself. it would be maddening. i think what most people who are striving for happiness are truely striving for the a complete lack of emotion. i mean, if you are completely neutral, you will always be at least content, if not happy. no one can be happy all the time. its just not possible. so when people are saying, i just want to be happy in life, people are really saying i just want to have a few seconds to myself where i don't have to feel.
people will argue that happiness is the opposite of things like anger and depression and such. people just assume that once they pull themselves out of depression, they will be happy. happiness and depression aren't absolutes though. i mean, nothing is really an absolute. once you pull yourself out of depression, you reach that sense of normalcy that people refer too as happiness. but it isn't really happiness. happiness is a complete different emotion. you can be happy for a while, but you can't be happy all the time. everyone comes down off that happy high back into an emotionless state for at least a moment. i guess i seek neutrality.
there is something fascinating about balance. people always seem to want something to be one way or the other. i want things to be right in between. the world needs balance.... ok i'm sounding cliche and borderline hippyish here, but oh well. actually not really hippyish at all. what do i sound like. fucked, don't know don't care. i sound wierd... alright...
anyways, i want to seek a balance in life. i don't like things to be at extremes all the time. the constant shift makes me queasy. i mean, if you are right in the center of the emotional spectrum, you have so much more flexibility. i mean, you have the ability to love, hate, like, dislike, be happy, be sad, etc etc etc all at the same time. if you are like really sad, and something good happens, all that can really happen is to feel a little less sad. but whatever. balance is great.
maybe this is why work pisses me off so much. there is not enough balance between the weekday and weekend. its like, work screws up 5 entire days, because even when you aren't at work you are tired from work, or holding back because you have to wake up for work the next day. and in reality, this also screws up friday and monday, so the only real day you have to let loose is saturday. thats one day out of seven. i want 3 days out of 7 at least. cripes...
this past friday, i went out with some of my current and ex-coworkers for a few beers. actually, i don't think we went out for a few beers, but that ended up being my purpose for being there. we were talking about girls and relationships and stuff, and someone said i was innocent. i don't know that i would call myself innocent. i definitely have innocent moments, and i definitely give off sort of an innocent aura at times, but i think that i am better off than most guys. i mean, how long have i been working for starflower, 2 something years. through this time, most of my coworkers and even the contract labor we get have been females between the ages of 18-27. what do they talk about? their relationships, guys, other girls, you know, standard fare. i've weaseled my way into their little sphere of comfort, so they seem to talk relatively freely and at times really really want to give out advice. i don't really have much to offer back, so i just kind of absorb information. i'm like this huge estrogen sponge or something, just waiting to be wrung out on some unsuspecting girl. its also made me realize a lot about myself, and what type of person i am as compared what type of person i want to be, and more importantly how to begin to be the person i want to be. i think i have changed a lot in the past 2 years. i think anyone who knew me before starflower wouldn't recognize me now, and not just because i have long hair.
one thing i have realized, is that i have pretty high standards when it comes to women. there is absolutely nothing wrong with having high standards as long as you don't mind being alone a lot, which i don't. in fact, i kind of enjoy being alone. i'm sure there will be a day where i am starving for a female presence, but right now i really don't care. its wierd, because it seems like not too long ago i was all whiney because i didn't have a girlfriend. that was stupid, and i don't know why i did that anymore.
anyways, back to this whole beer with coworkers thing. i had a lot of fun. i didn't mean to drink as much as i did, but oh well. i'm a fan of being drunk, i just felt strange being drunk around my coworkers. i really doubt they cared in the slightest. in fact, i think all of us drank a little more than we had expected. but anyways, it was a strange situation, almost like the first few times i drank around my parents. i mean, not that bad, but that same sort of feeling you know? it was really funny, because when i was stoned sunday night, i got really really paranoid that everyone was going to hate me because i was drunk on friday, and that i was going to show up and everyone was going to be mad at me, and look down on me. i was especially afraid that my favorite ex-coworker was going to have spread all these nasty stories about what a scary alcoholic i was and how i almost killed her on the drive home on multiple occasions. i kind of missed a driveway and backed into a curb when i was turning around getting out of my parking spot near the bar. my shocks are bad to begin with, so it probably seemed a lot worse that it was, but apparently it was something to be embarassed about. the embarassing thing is, the combination of drinking before the event and drinking after the event made the details about it a little fuzzy, and i didn't even really remember until ryan told me about it the next day. my car was acting stupid on sunday when i drove it again for the first time since the incident, and i was all scared i had done something to my car. but now its driving the same, and it was only the engine protesting how hot it was outside. my shock is still making the same creaking sound it was before i did this, so that sucks. in hindsight, maybe i should have hit the damn curb harder to try and knock the shock back into place and stop the creaking. because its really damn annoying....
i guess what i'm trying to say is that i always think i'm much cooler than i am when i'm drunk (imagine that). i mean, i think i am a pretty swankin drunk guy, as long as you are drunk too. i probably seem like a buffoon if you aren't, but thats the way it is with everyone. drunk people need to stick together, it makes it a lot more fun for everyone.
sometimes i wonder if i am an alcoholic, because i drink so much. its not even that i drink a lot, its that i drink often. i'm not an alcoholic in a bad sense. i enjoy drinking. i derive pleasure from it. when it stops being fun, but i still keep doing it, and doing it in excess, thats when i will really be an alcoholic. alcoholism is a wierd thing, because alcohol isn't naturally addictive like cigarettes or heroine or stuff like that. its more of a mental addiction. i still don't think i'm at the point where i am an alcoholic. i don't think i'm capable of becoming mentally addicted to anything, i'm too lazy and have too short of an attention span. i've said it before, but i wish i could be addicted to something, just to know what it feels like. i think it would be kind of an interesting experience.
well, i want to write more, but i have to go home, and it sucks, because i know i'm not going to write when i get there. so this is going to have to be it for a while. hopefully not that long..... i really missed blogging...
