Friday, September 27, 2002
blog blog blog
it is friday. this week has been really wierd. it has seemed strange and drawn out because of school and such. i did my first work in the greenhouse yesterday for my botany class. it seemed so childish and useless. i mean, i planted freaking beans in a little pot to see if i could make them grow. everyone was doing this. i remember doing this in elementary school. good god, what a pointless lab, and i have to extend it throughout the quarter so i can have enough journal entries to turn in a good notebook. blarg, at least it is just plants and stuff, and i'm pretty good with plants now.
i can't believe the summer is freaking over. it is almost october. it seems like it should be august at the latest. time really flies these days. it is kind of wacky like that. it just really sucks that summer is over, because no we are moving into like crappy rainy working outside shit. it may have been hot this summer, but i could deal. working in the rain just kind of sucks. what is really wierd is that ryan is like, back in school and stuff. what the hell!!! he can't be moving back to bellingham yet, summer just started. oh wait, fucked.
things just seem so out of whack these days, and i can't really explain it. its like everything is on this slightly altered plane of existance. i'm living my life based on this whole ideal of myself and the world around me, but it doesn't actually exist. so every once in a while i have to do something, or something happens in real life, and i come crashing back to reality and realize i am actually like this and my life is like this and the world around me is really like this. but in my altered reality, everything seems so realistic and feasible. i've always had trouble discerning between dreams and reality, i think this ties in with this. my subconcious is very overactive. at times i slip into my own world and have kind of awake standing up dream things that are kind of mirroring what is going on in real life, and i have a really hard time telling which is which. it gets really bad sometimes at night, because i will have these dreams that are ultrarealistic and have them several nights in a row, but its like after i wake up for some reason in the middle of the night and start to fall back asleep. it kind of picks up from there, and i start my day and it goes through this whole scenario where things that feasibly could happen start happening, and then finally my alarm goes off and i have these 9 minute spurts that continue my dream as i hit my snooze, then i go through my day and forget about it until the next morning when it all happens again. after a 2 or 3 days, i have trouble remembering which scenario actually happened, the one that was really happening in my life, or this on going thing that my subconscious has been carrying out. even when it isn't at night, like when i fall asleep at work or at school or something, i pretty much always have dreams that tie in with what is going on, and they pretty much always tie in with some sort of daydream i was just having. like, i'll have a conversation with someone, but not, that kind of thing. it really detaches me a lot of times. i mean, my overactive imagination and just daydreaming in general screws me up enough, but when i start nodding off and mentally can't discern the difference between what really happened and what my subconcious just convinced me happened i really start to question what i really know about myself or my life. how much of it was just a dream? i have memories of both reality and my subconcious. i like to think i do an ok job of keeping the two seperate considering, but there have been several discrepancies in the past. how much do i really know about myself?
sometimes these things worry me, but without fail, my subconcious comes up with much more interesting scenarios. sometimes i get mad, but then i realize how much happier i am thinking that the fake things are real. i think this is why drugs are so appealing, because it taps into an already overactive subconcious and brings these fake realities to the forefront.
i don't understand how people can go through life without ever drinking or trying any sort of drug. every drug i have done has given me a new thought process so to speak. they haven't all been as monumental as say, mushrooms, which has changed my whole mental process hugely, and for the better i think. but still, i can see bits and peices of the drugs that i have done coming through in the way i think. i think it is great, i mean, i am much more interesting to myself than i was before when i was straight edged and sober. people claim to be abstaining from drugs and alcohol to keep their mind in pristine condition. i think sober brains are entirely underdeveloped. i think drugs have given me a different way of looking at things that have been beneficial to my overall sanity. anyways, it just baffles me sometimes.
i'm going to leave now. nothing really doing now, so might as well just go home and take a nap. new schedules require adjustment :p
it is friday. this week has been really wierd. it has seemed strange and drawn out because of school and such. i did my first work in the greenhouse yesterday for my botany class. it seemed so childish and useless. i mean, i planted freaking beans in a little pot to see if i could make them grow. everyone was doing this. i remember doing this in elementary school. good god, what a pointless lab, and i have to extend it throughout the quarter so i can have enough journal entries to turn in a good notebook. blarg, at least it is just plants and stuff, and i'm pretty good with plants now.
i can't believe the summer is freaking over. it is almost october. it seems like it should be august at the latest. time really flies these days. it is kind of wacky like that. it just really sucks that summer is over, because no we are moving into like crappy rainy working outside shit. it may have been hot this summer, but i could deal. working in the rain just kind of sucks. what is really wierd is that ryan is like, back in school and stuff. what the hell!!! he can't be moving back to bellingham yet, summer just started. oh wait, fucked.
things just seem so out of whack these days, and i can't really explain it. its like everything is on this slightly altered plane of existance. i'm living my life based on this whole ideal of myself and the world around me, but it doesn't actually exist. so every once in a while i have to do something, or something happens in real life, and i come crashing back to reality and realize i am actually like this and my life is like this and the world around me is really like this. but in my altered reality, everything seems so realistic and feasible. i've always had trouble discerning between dreams and reality, i think this ties in with this. my subconcious is very overactive. at times i slip into my own world and have kind of awake standing up dream things that are kind of mirroring what is going on in real life, and i have a really hard time telling which is which. it gets really bad sometimes at night, because i will have these dreams that are ultrarealistic and have them several nights in a row, but its like after i wake up for some reason in the middle of the night and start to fall back asleep. it kind of picks up from there, and i start my day and it goes through this whole scenario where things that feasibly could happen start happening, and then finally my alarm goes off and i have these 9 minute spurts that continue my dream as i hit my snooze, then i go through my day and forget about it until the next morning when it all happens again. after a 2 or 3 days, i have trouble remembering which scenario actually happened, the one that was really happening in my life, or this on going thing that my subconscious has been carrying out. even when it isn't at night, like when i fall asleep at work or at school or something, i pretty much always have dreams that tie in with what is going on, and they pretty much always tie in with some sort of daydream i was just having. like, i'll have a conversation with someone, but not, that kind of thing. it really detaches me a lot of times. i mean, my overactive imagination and just daydreaming in general screws me up enough, but when i start nodding off and mentally can't discern the difference between what really happened and what my subconcious just convinced me happened i really start to question what i really know about myself or my life. how much of it was just a dream? i have memories of both reality and my subconcious. i like to think i do an ok job of keeping the two seperate considering, but there have been several discrepancies in the past. how much do i really know about myself?
sometimes these things worry me, but without fail, my subconcious comes up with much more interesting scenarios. sometimes i get mad, but then i realize how much happier i am thinking that the fake things are real. i think this is why drugs are so appealing, because it taps into an already overactive subconcious and brings these fake realities to the forefront.
i don't understand how people can go through life without ever drinking or trying any sort of drug. every drug i have done has given me a new thought process so to speak. they haven't all been as monumental as say, mushrooms, which has changed my whole mental process hugely, and for the better i think. but still, i can see bits and peices of the drugs that i have done coming through in the way i think. i think it is great, i mean, i am much more interesting to myself than i was before when i was straight edged and sober. people claim to be abstaining from drugs and alcohol to keep their mind in pristine condition. i think sober brains are entirely underdeveloped. i think drugs have given me a different way of looking at things that have been beneficial to my overall sanity. anyways, it just baffles me sometimes.
i'm going to leave now. nothing really doing now, so might as well just go home and take a nap. new schedules require adjustment :p
