Saturday, October 19, 2002
blarg! i'm annoyed at myself. i've up and lost that damn picture that manuel took of me in my karate outfit last halloween. the one with mel and calen and such, like the only recent picture i have of myself where i look kind of like me. i mean, the real me, not the me who is dressed up in a toga in front of a keg. and that picture isn't even recent anymore!!!!!!! fucked i guess, if anyone has it, send it my way.
so here's the deal. last night air started going off on a wanklike tangent on the front porch, and it was glorious. he just started going into things that didn't really relate to eachother. it kind of blindsided me, so i just kind of sat there. i hope i don't discourage him, because it was freaking money, and he probably doesn't even know it. on another side note, we watched swingers a few nights ago for the first time in a long time. it was the first time air had seen it, i hope it changes his life. side note- return swingers, its already overdue....
i don't have the heart to blog about work... every time i think about it these days, i get one of those stressed out knots in my stomach because i literally don't have the time to do all the things that are expected of me. i mean, its like for the past looong while, probably ever since i broke out of that funk about a year ago when i realized i didn't get that other job, i've been busy at work. i've actually been a productive member of the staff, i'd like to think. i think i've turned things around gloriously. i mean shit, look at me now. i'm 21 and i'm a project lead. i'm 7 or 8 years younger than than anyone else on the staff, and i have the same level of responsibility as everyone else. i like to think that i don't do as much as everyone else because i simply don't have the same skills that everyone else has, but hey what do you expect. i'm a freaking 21 year old college dropout with no experience and no education. you have to cut me a bit of slack, i think i'm doing a fantastic job of running this thing considering i'm basically making things up as i go along. i don't know how to do this shit. blah. the wierd thing is, now that i am actually putting forth effort and such, my job is somehow less rewarding. i was hoping that the responsibility and such would be rewarding, that i would feel a sense of accomplishment at least. somehow now that i am actually doing work instead of going through the motions, my job seems more pointless and futile to me. i hate my job, and i wish i had another one. i have absolutely no interest in the field i am in, or the work i am doing. i find myself relishing tasks like setting up new spreadsheets as templates for reports that aren't going to have any bearing on anything because this is more exciting to me than anything else i do. i think about things. like, i wonder how much more my coworkers are making for doing the same job. i used to think i was overpaid, but now i get the feeling that i'm getting screwed by my job. the extremely sad thing is, there is really nothing i can do. there is no way i could find another job that paid NEARLY as much as my current job does, or gives me the flexibility to go to school and such. it is just dumb. work saps away all of my will to live. even on easy days, i come home depressed and just wanting to sleep because my job has leeched any enthusiasm i had built up since work the day before. school is a joke because of this. after work, the last thing i want to do is sit through traffic again to go to freaking school. at least at school no one cares if i actually show up.
because of this, school is better than work. i'm sorry ryan, but i like school more than work. its just true. i never thought i would be able to say that i like school more than something, anything. school was the bane of my existance. it was the so hated of of everything that had been so hated in the past. it was the worst possible thing. if i could have traded a testicle for a free ride out of school and into a well paying career i probably would have done it, and thats saying a lot, i enjoy my nuts.
but fuck that. fuck it all. the moral of the story, i'm on the verge of going down hard. something is going to happen. i'm going to snap and quit my job and drop out of school, go broke, and have to leech of my parents again, and this scares me more than anything. this is quite possibly the worst thing that could happen to me, and i would do anything to avoid it. i put such a huge emphasis on independence, financial or otherwise. i don't like to have to rely on other people. i don't know where this came from. oh, i have theories. i have theories about pretty much everything. sometimes i think i should be a psychologist because i'm always fucking analysing myself, the crazy problems i foresee myself as having, and where they could have stemmed from. maybe this is why i am so good at hiding things from other people, because i realize what is wrong with me before other people have a chance to catch on. but i wouldn't trade them for anything. the one i take pride in, even more so than my independence, is my individuality. i truely think i am on a different wavelength than everyone else. i know, i know, everyone is a unique and beautiful snowflake, and everyone's thought process is different, and blah blah blah. i think that my world is a little askew from anyone elses. like, if you made my mind and my thoughts into a movie, it would be one of those brilliant cinematic achievements that the majority of the world hates because it is beyond their comprehension. there would be a select few who would see it as visionary, etc, but seriously. i don't think the world is ready for me. this realization may be making me cocky, but you would be cocky too if you realized that the majority of the world couldn't even begin to understand the complexity of your mind. it is something i will always be able to take solace in, the fact that my mind is unique, that no one else understands the thoughts that are running around in there. oh people come close. there are certain people i tend to gravitate towards because they share some of my brilliance. but the majority of people, fuckem. not worth my time to share my conversation with them. and this is when i'm sober.... you can imagine how bad it gets when i smoke a little :p
this is where the whole antichrist thing comes from. it is purely ficticious, but it made so much sense when i was thinking about it. i'm not a big fan of religion. i think religion has done more harm than good, but i am willing to accept that the majority of people need it. i no longer even look at it as a character flaw, which is a farely huge step from my militant atheist high school years. i can pretty much say right now that i'm agnostic, not because i am acknowledging the possibilty of a higher entity, but because it is just easier that way, and in reality i really doing care anymore. it is just easier to say i'm an agnostic than have people harp on me and drill me with questions i really don't care about because i'm an atheist. i don't care. i don't think there is a god. i think all religions are a sham. but i don't have the energy to elevate my thought patter to the atheist level anymore. another thing that isn't worth my time.
religions are a funny thing. it is funny to turn things around. i really enjoy blasphemy. i think it is a great past time, not to actually rile people up, but because it could if i shared my ficticious beliefs with the right people. i am a big fan of the "bible = nazi-like propaganda" theory. i'm not even sure if anyone else shares my theory, but i'm sure people do. i think the bible is misleading and filled with half truths on every page. because of this, if there happened to be a god, i think he'd be a dick. i think he'd be the unbending dictator that everyone hates but is too afraid to say it. i'm sure i've talked about this before. this brings us to the whole satan and hell thing. someone finally stood up to god's belligerent shit, so he gets cast out and turned into the antithesis of everything good by some ultrapowerful wanker with a grudge. i watched part of 'made' last night, and vince vaughns character reminded me of what i see god as, only with a lot more power. completely irrational, zero common sense, and completely unbending. if someone questioned anything he said, no matter how stupid it was, he'd go off with this huge trail of stupid shit. everyone else realized it wasn't worth it to even acknowledge his stupidity. so this is god. enter satan. reasonable guy, very well liked. nice, good opinions, above all respected. finally after billions, trillions of years of gods fucking retard ways, he snaps and just goes WHAT THE FUCK, YOU ARE A FREAKING MORON, WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR FREAKING PROBLEM. and so god goes off in the typical god way. taking things above and beyond what is necessary, unwilling to let things go, driving everything into the ground. a few people stand up for satan, but most people are too scared of god to do anything else. so god wins, he gets pissed, he created humans, and created earth, all to spite satan, so he could brainwash these people into hating satan. this is the worst thing that could happen to satan, that people hate him. because satan loves humans. he hates the bullshit that goes on in heaven, and thought "finally!!! people that aren't tainted with all the rediculocity in that fucking place. people who will actually think for themselves"
which brings us to why i think this. basically none of the ideas in the bible can be proven. some dates may match up, but that just enhances the split between reality and fiction. i think christianity would have done well from the beginning to say "this isn't all real, a lot of it is made up to keep you fucks in line." but now, as we progress in life, we realize that a ton of shit in the bible is utter bullshit, even though the dates match up so it was based on reality. like, these people probably existed, but their ideas don't make any sense. and if nothing they say can be proven, but a bunch of what they say is completely ass backward, how can i believe in anything they say! i mean shit, i am inclined to disbelieve everything in the bible. in all actuality, if you think about it, it is backwards and illogical, based on the rules of rational thought, to believe in the bible, as opposed to disbelieving the entire thing. it just doesn't make sense to keep clinging on this aged relic thought up by the devine retard to defeat everything that is retarded, and further blasphemized by his retard followers for their personal gain. don't even get me started on the freaking catholic priests and their further manipulation of a book based on falsehoods that somehow has been forced on us because we didn't no any better. i mean honestly, how are we supposed to stand up to the will of god? there is no way, especially if he is drunk on his own power and hell bent on this petty little grudge.
so i am inclined to sympathize with satan, if i am forced to believe in anything. i think he really loves humans, and it kills him that he can't a part of our world. i think hell is really the paradise i am dreaming off, and heaven is a place filled with hypocricy. i compare them to the greek city states of athens and sparta. i'll start with heaven, and its early historical counterpart, sparta. sparta was a militant, organized world. there was no room for individual thought, below the council of 20, or however many of those wankers there were running the whole thing. children were forced to enroll in the military, stripped from their parents at an early age and sent to military compounds with their peers (see sunday school). they are brainwashed to believe that city and country, the glory of sparta, etc, are more important than their own lives. sparta always seemed like such a terrible place for me to live, that i would go insane. but i realize that a lot of people need that kind of discipline. they need people to tell them what to do, what job to get, what to wear, what to do, who to vote for, right and wrong, up down. they don't have the mental capacity for individuality. the majority of people are sheep, and therefore this whole spartan philosophy fits perfectly into this. i mean, look at the similarities!! they are a little frightening. society splits us into little groups, and trys to pound this sense of unity into our head. we are turned into little military unites, devoted to our friends, from a very young age. sparta was the clique society our european chistian asses live in taken to the extreme.
which brings us to hell...... time will tell. hell is athens, a city of enlightenment, the society we all would like to think we live in. it isn't actually true, i find more similarities between our society and the spartan ideals than what we see as athenic ideals. in the end, enlightenment and reason won out, for a time at least. we are entering a new age of enlightenment. an age where the shackles of religion are thrown off, where the ideals of hell are taken up by a select few. change is a gradual process, but it need to start somewhere. ideals like individuality, respect, independence, ideas that our society would like to stifle. i will be on the forefront of this revolution. thus, i am the antichrist.
that is where that statement came from, anyways..... i'm all blogged out for right now, i was going to talk about death by masterbation, but that will be another blog.
ps- if you are offended by this, please realize that i don't actually believe in this. it is just fun to think about because it such a far cry from what is generally considered acceptable thinking, yet there is such a vein of truth in it :)
wankdrawndagger whut....
so here's the deal. last night air started going off on a wanklike tangent on the front porch, and it was glorious. he just started going into things that didn't really relate to eachother. it kind of blindsided me, so i just kind of sat there. i hope i don't discourage him, because it was freaking money, and he probably doesn't even know it. on another side note, we watched swingers a few nights ago for the first time in a long time. it was the first time air had seen it, i hope it changes his life. side note- return swingers, its already overdue....
i don't have the heart to blog about work... every time i think about it these days, i get one of those stressed out knots in my stomach because i literally don't have the time to do all the things that are expected of me. i mean, its like for the past looong while, probably ever since i broke out of that funk about a year ago when i realized i didn't get that other job, i've been busy at work. i've actually been a productive member of the staff, i'd like to think. i think i've turned things around gloriously. i mean shit, look at me now. i'm 21 and i'm a project lead. i'm 7 or 8 years younger than than anyone else on the staff, and i have the same level of responsibility as everyone else. i like to think that i don't do as much as everyone else because i simply don't have the same skills that everyone else has, but hey what do you expect. i'm a freaking 21 year old college dropout with no experience and no education. you have to cut me a bit of slack, i think i'm doing a fantastic job of running this thing considering i'm basically making things up as i go along. i don't know how to do this shit. blah. the wierd thing is, now that i am actually putting forth effort and such, my job is somehow less rewarding. i was hoping that the responsibility and such would be rewarding, that i would feel a sense of accomplishment at least. somehow now that i am actually doing work instead of going through the motions, my job seems more pointless and futile to me. i hate my job, and i wish i had another one. i have absolutely no interest in the field i am in, or the work i am doing. i find myself relishing tasks like setting up new spreadsheets as templates for reports that aren't going to have any bearing on anything because this is more exciting to me than anything else i do. i think about things. like, i wonder how much more my coworkers are making for doing the same job. i used to think i was overpaid, but now i get the feeling that i'm getting screwed by my job. the extremely sad thing is, there is really nothing i can do. there is no way i could find another job that paid NEARLY as much as my current job does, or gives me the flexibility to go to school and such. it is just dumb. work saps away all of my will to live. even on easy days, i come home depressed and just wanting to sleep because my job has leeched any enthusiasm i had built up since work the day before. school is a joke because of this. after work, the last thing i want to do is sit through traffic again to go to freaking school. at least at school no one cares if i actually show up.
because of this, school is better than work. i'm sorry ryan, but i like school more than work. its just true. i never thought i would be able to say that i like school more than something, anything. school was the bane of my existance. it was the so hated of of everything that had been so hated in the past. it was the worst possible thing. if i could have traded a testicle for a free ride out of school and into a well paying career i probably would have done it, and thats saying a lot, i enjoy my nuts.
but fuck that. fuck it all. the moral of the story, i'm on the verge of going down hard. something is going to happen. i'm going to snap and quit my job and drop out of school, go broke, and have to leech of my parents again, and this scares me more than anything. this is quite possibly the worst thing that could happen to me, and i would do anything to avoid it. i put such a huge emphasis on independence, financial or otherwise. i don't like to have to rely on other people. i don't know where this came from. oh, i have theories. i have theories about pretty much everything. sometimes i think i should be a psychologist because i'm always fucking analysing myself, the crazy problems i foresee myself as having, and where they could have stemmed from. maybe this is why i am so good at hiding things from other people, because i realize what is wrong with me before other people have a chance to catch on. but i wouldn't trade them for anything. the one i take pride in, even more so than my independence, is my individuality. i truely think i am on a different wavelength than everyone else. i know, i know, everyone is a unique and beautiful snowflake, and everyone's thought process is different, and blah blah blah. i think that my world is a little askew from anyone elses. like, if you made my mind and my thoughts into a movie, it would be one of those brilliant cinematic achievements that the majority of the world hates because it is beyond their comprehension. there would be a select few who would see it as visionary, etc, but seriously. i don't think the world is ready for me. this realization may be making me cocky, but you would be cocky too if you realized that the majority of the world couldn't even begin to understand the complexity of your mind. it is something i will always be able to take solace in, the fact that my mind is unique, that no one else understands the thoughts that are running around in there. oh people come close. there are certain people i tend to gravitate towards because they share some of my brilliance. but the majority of people, fuckem. not worth my time to share my conversation with them. and this is when i'm sober.... you can imagine how bad it gets when i smoke a little :p
this is where the whole antichrist thing comes from. it is purely ficticious, but it made so much sense when i was thinking about it. i'm not a big fan of religion. i think religion has done more harm than good, but i am willing to accept that the majority of people need it. i no longer even look at it as a character flaw, which is a farely huge step from my militant atheist high school years. i can pretty much say right now that i'm agnostic, not because i am acknowledging the possibilty of a higher entity, but because it is just easier that way, and in reality i really doing care anymore. it is just easier to say i'm an agnostic than have people harp on me and drill me with questions i really don't care about because i'm an atheist. i don't care. i don't think there is a god. i think all religions are a sham. but i don't have the energy to elevate my thought patter to the atheist level anymore. another thing that isn't worth my time.
religions are a funny thing. it is funny to turn things around. i really enjoy blasphemy. i think it is a great past time, not to actually rile people up, but because it could if i shared my ficticious beliefs with the right people. i am a big fan of the "bible = nazi-like propaganda" theory. i'm not even sure if anyone else shares my theory, but i'm sure people do. i think the bible is misleading and filled with half truths on every page. because of this, if there happened to be a god, i think he'd be a dick. i think he'd be the unbending dictator that everyone hates but is too afraid to say it. i'm sure i've talked about this before. this brings us to the whole satan and hell thing. someone finally stood up to god's belligerent shit, so he gets cast out and turned into the antithesis of everything good by some ultrapowerful wanker with a grudge. i watched part of 'made' last night, and vince vaughns character reminded me of what i see god as, only with a lot more power. completely irrational, zero common sense, and completely unbending. if someone questioned anything he said, no matter how stupid it was, he'd go off with this huge trail of stupid shit. everyone else realized it wasn't worth it to even acknowledge his stupidity. so this is god. enter satan. reasonable guy, very well liked. nice, good opinions, above all respected. finally after billions, trillions of years of gods fucking retard ways, he snaps and just goes WHAT THE FUCK, YOU ARE A FREAKING MORON, WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR FREAKING PROBLEM. and so god goes off in the typical god way. taking things above and beyond what is necessary, unwilling to let things go, driving everything into the ground. a few people stand up for satan, but most people are too scared of god to do anything else. so god wins, he gets pissed, he created humans, and created earth, all to spite satan, so he could brainwash these people into hating satan. this is the worst thing that could happen to satan, that people hate him. because satan loves humans. he hates the bullshit that goes on in heaven, and thought "finally!!! people that aren't tainted with all the rediculocity in that fucking place. people who will actually think for themselves"
which brings us to why i think this. basically none of the ideas in the bible can be proven. some dates may match up, but that just enhances the split between reality and fiction. i think christianity would have done well from the beginning to say "this isn't all real, a lot of it is made up to keep you fucks in line." but now, as we progress in life, we realize that a ton of shit in the bible is utter bullshit, even though the dates match up so it was based on reality. like, these people probably existed, but their ideas don't make any sense. and if nothing they say can be proven, but a bunch of what they say is completely ass backward, how can i believe in anything they say! i mean shit, i am inclined to disbelieve everything in the bible. in all actuality, if you think about it, it is backwards and illogical, based on the rules of rational thought, to believe in the bible, as opposed to disbelieving the entire thing. it just doesn't make sense to keep clinging on this aged relic thought up by the devine retard to defeat everything that is retarded, and further blasphemized by his retard followers for their personal gain. don't even get me started on the freaking catholic priests and their further manipulation of a book based on falsehoods that somehow has been forced on us because we didn't no any better. i mean honestly, how are we supposed to stand up to the will of god? there is no way, especially if he is drunk on his own power and hell bent on this petty little grudge.
so i am inclined to sympathize with satan, if i am forced to believe in anything. i think he really loves humans, and it kills him that he can't a part of our world. i think hell is really the paradise i am dreaming off, and heaven is a place filled with hypocricy. i compare them to the greek city states of athens and sparta. i'll start with heaven, and its early historical counterpart, sparta. sparta was a militant, organized world. there was no room for individual thought, below the council of 20, or however many of those wankers there were running the whole thing. children were forced to enroll in the military, stripped from their parents at an early age and sent to military compounds with their peers (see sunday school). they are brainwashed to believe that city and country, the glory of sparta, etc, are more important than their own lives. sparta always seemed like such a terrible place for me to live, that i would go insane. but i realize that a lot of people need that kind of discipline. they need people to tell them what to do, what job to get, what to wear, what to do, who to vote for, right and wrong, up down. they don't have the mental capacity for individuality. the majority of people are sheep, and therefore this whole spartan philosophy fits perfectly into this. i mean, look at the similarities!! they are a little frightening. society splits us into little groups, and trys to pound this sense of unity into our head. we are turned into little military unites, devoted to our friends, from a very young age. sparta was the clique society our european chistian asses live in taken to the extreme.
which brings us to hell...... time will tell. hell is athens, a city of enlightenment, the society we all would like to think we live in. it isn't actually true, i find more similarities between our society and the spartan ideals than what we see as athenic ideals. in the end, enlightenment and reason won out, for a time at least. we are entering a new age of enlightenment. an age where the shackles of religion are thrown off, where the ideals of hell are taken up by a select few. change is a gradual process, but it need to start somewhere. ideals like individuality, respect, independence, ideas that our society would like to stifle. i will be on the forefront of this revolution. thus, i am the antichrist.
that is where that statement came from, anyways..... i'm all blogged out for right now, i was going to talk about death by masterbation, but that will be another blog.
ps- if you are offended by this, please realize that i don't actually believe in this. it is just fun to think about because it such a far cry from what is generally considered acceptable thinking, yet there is such a vein of truth in it :)
wankdrawndagger whut....
