Tuesday, October 08, 2002
blog blog blog.
onto pertinent subjects, such as school. school.... school is so hated. i've missed like 2 quizzes already and there have only been 6 possible classes. i hate school. i going to keep going though, hopefully pass this class at least. that shouldn't be too exceedingly difficult. hopefully i can pull it off. i don't even really care about grades at all anymore. i just hate school. it is so fucking stupid. i mean, why in the hell should i be forced to go do a freaking 2.5 hour lab that introduces you to the microscope. i was like fuck this, no way i'm driving all the way over to freaking bellevue and back to sit there and look at freaking cloth through a damn microscope. i did that already in 4th grade. anyways, i skipped another class because i smoked to the point of retardation, like literally. i couldn't move. this is because i hate work more than i hate school. i come home, i need something, so i don't just die. i am beginning to believe in like spontanious extinguishing of ones life force. if i didn't have some sort of release, i think my mind would just give me a big fuck you and quit telling my heart to work and losen my digestive track so i would just collapse in a heap of smelly dead wank. i don't think anyone really wants that. i mean, someone would have to clean it up and that is just bad news all around.
but, life is good, because every time i get stoned, i get closer and closer to that ultimate state of enlightenment. the trick is finding people to listen to me who i feel comfortable around. this is very tough, because a lot of times i get stoned and i get myself into situations where i don't want to start talking because i have no clue what is going to come out, or whether it will be universally accepted. a lot of times i end up having to explain myself, and most people aren't willing to give me the benefit of the doubt long enough for me to do this. so i find myself biting my tongue, and stifling what could possibly be one of the most unique and amazing creative processes mankind has ever seen.
ok ok, i may be going a little overboard, but it illustrates an important point. i have trouble getting comfortable around people, even people i know. i have this need to fit in attached to me like some sort of permanent crutch nailed to my arm or something. drugs show me that i can get around this. i am slowly loosening the bonds that attach me to this crutch. i mean fuck me, when i got into college, i didn't say anything for about 4 months without going through that whole mental process inside about whether i should say it. you know what i'm talking about, when you sit there talking to yourself, "just say it man, come on, it will be funny. its perfect. if you say it now, it will be time perfect. i dunno though, what if it isn't funny. what if people look at me wierd. shit, the moment is passed. is it too late to say it?" you know, that whole drill. so i would sit there silent. i could get around this when i was drunk. it was great, it was beautiful. soon enough i realized i didn't need to do that. i could just say shit and bypass that whole thought process. sure i say some wierd stuff, but that adds to my charm. i can do that now, but i have reached another wall. i have trouble conveying my inner thoughts, not just reactionary thoughts to what other people are doing or saying, but like the internal stuff, the stuff that only really comes out on this webpage and now to a very select few people who i am comfortable around when i am really fucked up. but its possible, and i've started branching out on who i can just lay my thoughts on, and sooner or later after i get stoned enough, i will be able to just kind of spill things out no matter who is around or who might overhear. i can trace every social breakthrough i have made in the past three years back to one drug or another. you could definitely say that drugs have had fabulous influence on my development as a person. not to be trite or anything, but drugs really are the only thing that keep me sane.
now if only i could find a drug that helps me get to school on time :P
onto pertinent subjects, such as school. school.... school is so hated. i've missed like 2 quizzes already and there have only been 6 possible classes. i hate school. i going to keep going though, hopefully pass this class at least. that shouldn't be too exceedingly difficult. hopefully i can pull it off. i don't even really care about grades at all anymore. i just hate school. it is so fucking stupid. i mean, why in the hell should i be forced to go do a freaking 2.5 hour lab that introduces you to the microscope. i was like fuck this, no way i'm driving all the way over to freaking bellevue and back to sit there and look at freaking cloth through a damn microscope. i did that already in 4th grade. anyways, i skipped another class because i smoked to the point of retardation, like literally. i couldn't move. this is because i hate work more than i hate school. i come home, i need something, so i don't just die. i am beginning to believe in like spontanious extinguishing of ones life force. if i didn't have some sort of release, i think my mind would just give me a big fuck you and quit telling my heart to work and losen my digestive track so i would just collapse in a heap of smelly dead wank. i don't think anyone really wants that. i mean, someone would have to clean it up and that is just bad news all around.
but, life is good, because every time i get stoned, i get closer and closer to that ultimate state of enlightenment. the trick is finding people to listen to me who i feel comfortable around. this is very tough, because a lot of times i get stoned and i get myself into situations where i don't want to start talking because i have no clue what is going to come out, or whether it will be universally accepted. a lot of times i end up having to explain myself, and most people aren't willing to give me the benefit of the doubt long enough for me to do this. so i find myself biting my tongue, and stifling what could possibly be one of the most unique and amazing creative processes mankind has ever seen.
ok ok, i may be going a little overboard, but it illustrates an important point. i have trouble getting comfortable around people, even people i know. i have this need to fit in attached to me like some sort of permanent crutch nailed to my arm or something. drugs show me that i can get around this. i am slowly loosening the bonds that attach me to this crutch. i mean fuck me, when i got into college, i didn't say anything for about 4 months without going through that whole mental process inside about whether i should say it. you know what i'm talking about, when you sit there talking to yourself, "just say it man, come on, it will be funny. its perfect. if you say it now, it will be time perfect. i dunno though, what if it isn't funny. what if people look at me wierd. shit, the moment is passed. is it too late to say it?" you know, that whole drill. so i would sit there silent. i could get around this when i was drunk. it was great, it was beautiful. soon enough i realized i didn't need to do that. i could just say shit and bypass that whole thought process. sure i say some wierd stuff, but that adds to my charm. i can do that now, but i have reached another wall. i have trouble conveying my inner thoughts, not just reactionary thoughts to what other people are doing or saying, but like the internal stuff, the stuff that only really comes out on this webpage and now to a very select few people who i am comfortable around when i am really fucked up. but its possible, and i've started branching out on who i can just lay my thoughts on, and sooner or later after i get stoned enough, i will be able to just kind of spill things out no matter who is around or who might overhear. i can trace every social breakthrough i have made in the past three years back to one drug or another. you could definitely say that drugs have had fabulous influence on my development as a person. not to be trite or anything, but drugs really are the only thing that keep me sane.
now if only i could find a drug that helps me get to school on time :P
