Friday, December 13, 2002
ok, so i just don't know what to say
i feel that my ability to talk on this blog has been compromised by this stupid fear that people at work are watching it. i hate work, just one more way i'm getting screwed by my job. i think i am going to go apply at blockbuster video until i get this whole bartender thing sorted out. like, seriously. i don't know if i can stand it any longer. thinking back to how long i have hated my job, and how much if an effort it is just to walk out of my door and start up my car, its draining. there really isn't anything about my job besides the money, and money pisses me off anyways. someday i'm actually going to quiet, and you will see several days of me just yelling about how much i hated my job.
its absolutely rediculous, because no one cares, its just me whining because i don't have the mental capacity to do anything else. everyone hates their job. i talk as if i am alone here, and that everyone should feel bad for me. the real truth, i'm a bitter annoyed little man. i'm a little freak who has managed to work himself into a situation that he can't handle anymore. i've been lying to myself for so long, that i've just snapped. i have such violent mood swings about my job, it is absolutely rediculous.
right now, i haven't been able to find room for anything else besides work. i haven't done laundry in at least a month and a half, because really, why does it matter? work will just fuck up all my clothes again anyways. its not like i do anything besides go to work, and no one there cares. well, thats not exactly true, i just don't care about what anyone cares. if i wasn't forced to care, i wouldn't. i admitted defeat a long time ago at this job. it is really pretty freaking amazing that i haven't just quit. i should have quit a few months ago instead of going to part time, when i had money. because now, i have no money, and i still hate my job. i can't just quit and go on a job search anymore, because i am not 2 paychecks ahead like i used to be. i'm losing money every time around. it used to be that school and work vied for the top position of things i hated the most. i've pretty much given up on school, so it is now a fight between my job, and the prospect of having to work full time at my job.
why do i torture myself. why do i even think about it. why do i even care about getting fired? talk about a blessing in disguise.... getting fired from this job would probably be great. i would be forced to find a new job. the problem is, think about what a blow that would be to my self confidence. getting fired from this job, the thing that has been the fall back plan, something i could always go back to if i was really in a bind. i was in a bind, i came back, endured 2 years of annoyance, and i am back at a point where i am in a bind again. the only problem is, my job is the bind, and the way out of the bind is going to my job more which would just compound the problem.
so instead, i sit here and torture myself. even when i'm not working, i'm thinking about how much work pisses me off
and yes, i know you are sick of me talking about work. i don't care. i don't care. i just don't care.....
i feel that my ability to talk on this blog has been compromised by this stupid fear that people at work are watching it. i hate work, just one more way i'm getting screwed by my job. i think i am going to go apply at blockbuster video until i get this whole bartender thing sorted out. like, seriously. i don't know if i can stand it any longer. thinking back to how long i have hated my job, and how much if an effort it is just to walk out of my door and start up my car, its draining. there really isn't anything about my job besides the money, and money pisses me off anyways. someday i'm actually going to quiet, and you will see several days of me just yelling about how much i hated my job.
its absolutely rediculous, because no one cares, its just me whining because i don't have the mental capacity to do anything else. everyone hates their job. i talk as if i am alone here, and that everyone should feel bad for me. the real truth, i'm a bitter annoyed little man. i'm a little freak who has managed to work himself into a situation that he can't handle anymore. i've been lying to myself for so long, that i've just snapped. i have such violent mood swings about my job, it is absolutely rediculous.
right now, i haven't been able to find room for anything else besides work. i haven't done laundry in at least a month and a half, because really, why does it matter? work will just fuck up all my clothes again anyways. its not like i do anything besides go to work, and no one there cares. well, thats not exactly true, i just don't care about what anyone cares. if i wasn't forced to care, i wouldn't. i admitted defeat a long time ago at this job. it is really pretty freaking amazing that i haven't just quit. i should have quit a few months ago instead of going to part time, when i had money. because now, i have no money, and i still hate my job. i can't just quit and go on a job search anymore, because i am not 2 paychecks ahead like i used to be. i'm losing money every time around. it used to be that school and work vied for the top position of things i hated the most. i've pretty much given up on school, so it is now a fight between my job, and the prospect of having to work full time at my job.
why do i torture myself. why do i even think about it. why do i even care about getting fired? talk about a blessing in disguise.... getting fired from this job would probably be great. i would be forced to find a new job. the problem is, think about what a blow that would be to my self confidence. getting fired from this job, the thing that has been the fall back plan, something i could always go back to if i was really in a bind. i was in a bind, i came back, endured 2 years of annoyance, and i am back at a point where i am in a bind again. the only problem is, my job is the bind, and the way out of the bind is going to my job more which would just compound the problem.
so instead, i sit here and torture myself. even when i'm not working, i'm thinking about how much work pisses me off
and yes, i know you are sick of me talking about work. i don't care. i don't care. i just don't care.....
