Friday, January 10, 2003
bleeeeeeeeendabashpeeeeeennnnnnnnn
so yeah, werd and all that usual appropriateness.
its funny, when you start second guessing yourself on the way a word is spelled, because thats always when you get screwed. whenever you start, you end up blowing it, 9 times out of 10. screwed!!!!! its like, you stare at a word, and you know its speeld right and you think its not. appropriateness is one such word at the moment. i will preface this comment with another comment. there are a lot of words that don't make any sense right now.
its like at this staff meeting, i was counting hours up in my head, but no matter how many times i added correctly, it didn't seem like they were adding up correctly. so i stared blankly. this is definitely one of the downsides of smoking a lot. oh yes, there are downsides, but they are really such trivial little things. like, really, who cares. drinking all the time did have serious problems. like wierd gastrointestinal and hangoverial problems of the head and such. this is why smoking is better. what does gastrointestinal really mean? who knows if i got that one right. thats another thing, i find myself sitting there searching for words more. but its ok, because the amount of time i spend talking about something of any importance during the day is a fairly small slice of ryan's time/energy pie.
i think i neglect my creative side. it seems pretty small. creativity is such an complicated and competetive thing. seriously, if you are creative, you are doing things differently and better than everyone else. people who are deemed creative like authors and artists and stuff are only there because they do shit better than other people. it always scared me, like having to compare stuff to other people, so i went for easier things. if you are faster and numbers and math and such, you got the same kind of recognition, but anyone could do it. it was a lot easier than being an artist. so yeah, i've always just figured i had no creative side, that i was a man bred for science. but me as a scientist? hah, no way, i couldn't handle it. i'm too flighty. i have no attention span for that sort of thing. mixing chemicals? report my results? fuck that.
i've always thought i would make a good writer, but i don't think i would. i've always wanted to try, but i have never gotten around too it. being a writer seems like such a difficult thing to get any recognition at all at, and writing for myself only doesn't seem like greatest thing. if i do something good, i want people to know about it. otherwise, how will other people know? how will you know that it is good if it is everyone elses opinion that matters to make it actually good. i mean, you don't want something you think is good, because you are bias. you want other people to tell you its good, because then you know it actually is. i mean, some stuff its ok for just you to think its good, because people are knobs some times, but over all, yeah.... what was i talking about again?
crap, i'll see you later, this is making no sense
so yeah, werd and all that usual appropriateness.
its funny, when you start second guessing yourself on the way a word is spelled, because thats always when you get screwed. whenever you start, you end up blowing it, 9 times out of 10. screwed!!!!! its like, you stare at a word, and you know its speeld right and you think its not. appropriateness is one such word at the moment. i will preface this comment with another comment. there are a lot of words that don't make any sense right now.
its like at this staff meeting, i was counting hours up in my head, but no matter how many times i added correctly, it didn't seem like they were adding up correctly. so i stared blankly. this is definitely one of the downsides of smoking a lot. oh yes, there are downsides, but they are really such trivial little things. like, really, who cares. drinking all the time did have serious problems. like wierd gastrointestinal and hangoverial problems of the head and such. this is why smoking is better. what does gastrointestinal really mean? who knows if i got that one right. thats another thing, i find myself sitting there searching for words more. but its ok, because the amount of time i spend talking about something of any importance during the day is a fairly small slice of ryan's time/energy pie.
i think i neglect my creative side. it seems pretty small. creativity is such an complicated and competetive thing. seriously, if you are creative, you are doing things differently and better than everyone else. people who are deemed creative like authors and artists and stuff are only there because they do shit better than other people. it always scared me, like having to compare stuff to other people, so i went for easier things. if you are faster and numbers and math and such, you got the same kind of recognition, but anyone could do it. it was a lot easier than being an artist. so yeah, i've always just figured i had no creative side, that i was a man bred for science. but me as a scientist? hah, no way, i couldn't handle it. i'm too flighty. i have no attention span for that sort of thing. mixing chemicals? report my results? fuck that.
i've always thought i would make a good writer, but i don't think i would. i've always wanted to try, but i have never gotten around too it. being a writer seems like such a difficult thing to get any recognition at all at, and writing for myself only doesn't seem like greatest thing. if i do something good, i want people to know about it. otherwise, how will other people know? how will you know that it is good if it is everyone elses opinion that matters to make it actually good. i mean, you don't want something you think is good, because you are bias. you want other people to tell you its good, because then you know it actually is. i mean, some stuff its ok for just you to think its good, because people are knobs some times, but over all, yeah.... what was i talking about again?
crap, i'll see you later, this is making no sense
