Thursday, January 30, 2003
do you smell that, do you? what is that smell!!! oh, its my dirty laundry......
so yeah, why did i quit my job...... i quit my job because i couldn't take it anymore. my job was changing, my responsibilities were changing, the whole company was changing. the old company was bad enough, but at least i was invisible. i had a new boss that i didn't get along with at all who has a very abrupt way of speaking and who has this inability to compromise that ground all forward progress to a halt. she came into a system that was already working to the best of its potential, and assumed it was something it wasn't. thus, the expectations of me were raised, and my job became hell. to begin with, my job was in a field that i didn't really care about, was doing things i didn't really agree with, and was doing things that were pointless and ass-backwards. there is a 0% chance that any of the projects i worked on's goals will every be met due to the rediculous nature of the goals, and the rediculous way we were forced to try and meet them. i was forced to do things i didn't agree with, accept responsibilty for things i had no control over, and try to do things i didn't know how to do without any training or room for error. i wasn't qualified, interested, or willing to do the shit they wanted me to do. the reason i stayed as long as i did is because all of my other coworkers left before me, and i felt guilty about leaving them because the foundation had stated that there would be no more hiring in the forseeable future. well, they are hiring again, so i took the chance to leave. i am unwilling to put forth the effort that was necessary, because i really don't care at all about the cause. its hard to bust your ass for something you really don't agree with, no matter what the pay is.
anyways, i don't really want to go into this now. i just don't care anymore. i hated that job. after 2 weeks at that job i wanted to quit. my job was stupid, but pretended to be real. the only reason i managed to stay as long as i did is because i could get away with doing very little work and still get paid for it. with the new manager, i could no longer get away with not working, so i quit so i can go find a new slack job. pizza delivery is sounding better every day.
i got in over my head. i mean, i wasn't over my head. i knew how to do everything. i did what was necessary of me, and i did it very well. i was just put in a position i didn't want. i am 21, i don't want a bunch of responsibilty and accountability out of a job. i want something easy and unassuming, with very few expectations. at my old job, the expectations were very high. i found little tricks and such that made it very very easy for me to live up to these expectations with the absolute minimum amount of effort. so, even though i was getting everything that was expected of me done, i was still in trouble because i did it too fast. there was nothing more for me to do, really. i could have gotten more shit to do, but that would have made the busy times overwhelming. i don't understand how my coworkers were always so busy. i don't think they actually were as busy as i think they were. i'm not sure what is going on there, because if i had actually worked as much as it seems like they worked...... granted, they all had wierd things to do like calling people and such, which i still don't understand. how were they all on their damn phones so much. i never used my phone. i don't know why they were on their phones.
so yeah, i went as long as i could flying under the radar to avoid unnecessary bullshit. my new boss made sure i had to deal with the bullshit. so i left. i was like fuck this, if you have a problem with the way i'm doing things, go find someone else who can do it better. just try. try to find someone who did all the shit i did as well as i did for as little money as i did. go ahead, try to find someone. i'm not going to put up with all the crap anymore. no one need that much frustration, especially at a job as absolutely retarded as this one. the cause the cause the cause, blah blah blah, the cause is fucking bullshit. there is no way we can do the things you tell us too. there is absolutely no chance for success. none, absolutely none. yet, we have all these goals that we are supposed to meet. we have deadlines for things that are impossible. we know these things are impossible. we try to say these things are impossible. what happens when we voice our concerns? i have to cut my fucking yearly labor allocation in fucking half and still have to meet the fucking goals that were impossible before. what the fuck am i supposed to do!!!!! there is no way it is going to work. everyone knows it. yet every month i have to update you on my project, how things are going. i have to outline all of my strategies in this stupid document that no one even fucking reads. and when i finish it earlier than everyone else, obviously i'm doing something wrong. it doesn't even matter if i'm right, i'm wrong because i'm not management. it doesn't matter that management has no fucking clue what is actually going on in the field. it doesn't matter that they are so far detached from reality that they think these things are possible. they are management. they make the goals, it is my job to achieve them.
i came in as grunt labor. i think it was the first time they had hired some wanker just to move dirt and do all the other shit other people were unwilling to do. i had no real responsibilities besides "show up here at this time." i was basically invisible to the management, and an absolute godsend to the rest of the staff. i see myself as a very curious, very attentive person. but i am also very comfortable in the shadows. i caught on very quickly. i saw what the place was really about, the way things were run, and how absolutely rediculous things were. i treated the job as such. after a while, they started putting me in charge of things, which i always thought was just funny, because at that point whenever i could get away with something, i would. i always say "life is all about appearances" and it is because of this job that i say it. i did as little as possible while still floating under the radar. eventually i realized i could do absolutely nothing, and get away with it. the great thing was, no one even noticed that i did absolutely nothing. so i did for a while. then everyone quit, and the responsibility of 17 people was dropped on the 4 of us who remained. so now there was no real flying under the radar, i had responsibilities and such. hell, i was actually in charge of shit, like really in charge. all the hours and stuff that i had always taken for granted were now created by me. i also see myself as a very intelligent person, so i picked up the easiest way to do things very quickly. the fact that i didn't give a rats ass really helped, because i put as little thought as possible into my numbers. i think that this is what made me so good at what i did. i had a very utilitarian approach to my actual responsibilities. i knew what needed to be done, and i knew how to do it. i didn't really think about it a lot. when things needed to be changed, i changed them. when plant lists needed to be made, i just threw something together that would work, because perfection really was wasted on this job. thats another problem with this job. you can put so much thought into things, and have things all planned out perfectly, but you will never get what you want. things always change. you can't control these things. so i always focused on covering all my bases, instead of covering what would be best for the project, because i knew what was best for the project had a snowball's chance in hell of happening.
i didn't care about my job, or the cause, so i really didn't think twice about doing this. it didn't matter to me at all what plants went where, so i just put the same plants everyone else was putting in the same places. people put so much thought into this shit. i just slapped it all together, and said this will work best, and it did. i was very good at finding easy, good solutions to everything. i didn't go for anything flashy like everyone else seemed to do. everyone was always so proud of putting new plants and such in certain areas. i didn't care, i put things in that would work, and that would make things the easiest for everyone who has to work with them. that was what i did. how can i do this that will be the easiest for me and everyone else. there wasn't much thought into is this the best way for this or that, but what will make the rest of the job easier on everyone. so i came up with great, workable solutions very quickly. then i had nothing else to do, so i did as little as possible, because there wasn't anything else to do. i made sure i had something going all the time, so i always had something to do. but the rest of the shit i had was shit that no one else wanted to do, or cared about. it was all just retarded crap that didn't matter at all to anyone. so when i was doing it, and it didn't get done, no one noticed or cared, least of all me. i could leave early if i wanted too, show up late, as long as i got the things that were absolutely necessary done. because i was doing my job, and in everyone elses eyes doing it very well, no one really cared. until this new boss showed up. she wanted to have full control of everything. she thought everything we did was stupid, and then attacked us as if we had any choice in the way we did things. let me add something here, we were all working within the very twisted guidelines that the foundation had. there were certain things we just didn't have control over, and that we had to deal with. these were the things that she would yell at US about. i just wanted to sit her down and started yelling at her about how she was chastizing us about things that we have been arguing about with our old boss forever, but were overruled on. and of course, she always knew the absolute best way things should be done. if you veered off that path at all, AT ALL, she was on your ass. the worst thing was, she expected you to know how she wanted shit done. the few weeks before i quit were really painful. anything i did, i would get an email about how i did it wrong, and that i should stop being wrong because being wrong was stupid, and stupid workers are the scum of the earth. but she never told me what i was doing wrong. it was all such vague bullshit, that i never knew what she wanted. so i'd try to fix it, and she'd get really mad at me. i'd ask her what i was doing wrong, and what she wanted done, and she wouldn't tell me. she literally wouldn't tell me. i would straight up say "tell me what i did wrong so i can correcty my mistakes and not make them in the future" and i would get angry, belittling emails back about how if i didn't know how to do my job, maybe i should talk to someone about it. FUCK YOU!!! I AM TALKING TO YOU ABOUT IT NOW!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!! so, nothing ever got done, because the way we were doing things was not the way she wanted things done. but she wouldn't tell us how she wanted things done. it got really old, because everytime i did something, even if it was exactly the way i had been doing things all along which followed starflower protocals to the best of my knowledge, it was wrong. it was one of the most frustrating experiences of my life, because i knew i was at least partially in the right, and that she was yelling about shit she doesn't even know about it. but i can't tell her she is a fucking moron because she is my boss. i have to go along with what she says, because she is the boss.
the shit that really got to me was the little things she disagreed with us all on. things that didn't fucking matter at all, and that i knew i was right about. like, for example.... i had to research digital cameras for the project we were doing. she told us to research digital cameras and report back with which one we should get. so i did. and i did a great job. like, this was something i could actually pay attention too and was kind of interested in. i mean, i really couldn't give a rats ass which digital camera we get, but i care a lot more about digital cameras than i do about ecology and restoration. this is not going to matter at all, to anyone. but still, i went to all sorts of webpages, read every review i could, and eventually decided on one. i was like, this is the one we should get. it does everything we want it too, has the highest ratings on every pages i go to, and has the best customer feed back and the fewest complaints. i turned in my research to my partner, and he was like hell yeah, this is the one. so, we turn it in to her, and we have a meeting. she gets this incredulous look on her face, and she's like why did you pick this one? kind of taken aback, i list all my reasons, and make my case. she didn't even fucking listen what i had to say, nothing i said even registered in her eyes. she didn't even respond to what i had to say. she just said "well i have this camera. why would you get that one when you could get this one. i have it, and i love it." it was so fucking stupid. i almost yelled out, why the fuck did you have me do all this research, just so you could make me look like an idiot and tell me that i'm wrong, without even listening to what i had to say. i don't care about the damn camera. you told me to research so i did. i gave you what i thought, and you just threw it all away and had me do something else. why did you make me waste my fucking time just so you could make me feel like an idiot at the end. it was all such a stupid thing, but the way it all happened reallly got under my skin. this woman made me feel like nothing.
i didn't want this job. i was doing all these things because everyone else quit, and i was the only one left. i saved the foundations ass, and did a damn good job. i exceeded everyone's expectations, and did it easily. i am doing a bunch of shit i never wanted to do because they drove the other people away and then weren't willing to hire anyone else to do it. i did it all on time, how i was told, and with a smile on my face. i dare you to try and find someone who will do my job better than me and who will put up with all the bullshit i put up with. i would have stayed forever if they had just left me alone, and let me do my job. but no, we can't have that. who cares if he's doing everything we ask him, he doesn't check in every day. he didn't tell us that he was going out to the jobsite to make sure everything was ready for the next week. we didn't know where he was for that four hours!!!!!!!!!! end of the world, obviously. lets crack down on him. lets watch him like a hawk and jump on everything we perceive he is doing wrong. lets give him as little information as possible about why we are picking on him, and expect him to put up with it, and then do more work. i do feel like i was singled out. no, i didn't always tell them where i was going. i didn't see how it could possibly be necessary. the type of control they wanted over the where and the when would have made it impossible for me to do my job as well as i did. i didn't care enough to want to put for the extra effort they wanted me too.
fuck them anyways. i'm not going to deal with the frustration anymore. i'd much rather be a nameless slave who goes to work with his head down and picks up a paycheck every 2 weeks. i'll show up on time, do my job, and leave. i don't have any grand plans about making a difference, or having a "good" career. any job will just be another shat job to me. i don't need all the extra frustration that that job provided. i just want to blend in to the background, do my job, and collect my money so i can eat. i don't care about success, a job is just a job. you are paying me for a service. i do that service, and get my money. i'll stand around and do some repetetive task as long as you leave me alone and pay me.
anyways yeah, sorry, i needed to vent. this is a jumbled mass of feelings i've been holding in because i think my bosses read my blog. whatever, i'm over it. bring on the lazy. oh, the sweet lazy
so yeah, why did i quit my job...... i quit my job because i couldn't take it anymore. my job was changing, my responsibilities were changing, the whole company was changing. the old company was bad enough, but at least i was invisible. i had a new boss that i didn't get along with at all who has a very abrupt way of speaking and who has this inability to compromise that ground all forward progress to a halt. she came into a system that was already working to the best of its potential, and assumed it was something it wasn't. thus, the expectations of me were raised, and my job became hell. to begin with, my job was in a field that i didn't really care about, was doing things i didn't really agree with, and was doing things that were pointless and ass-backwards. there is a 0% chance that any of the projects i worked on's goals will every be met due to the rediculous nature of the goals, and the rediculous way we were forced to try and meet them. i was forced to do things i didn't agree with, accept responsibilty for things i had no control over, and try to do things i didn't know how to do without any training or room for error. i wasn't qualified, interested, or willing to do the shit they wanted me to do. the reason i stayed as long as i did is because all of my other coworkers left before me, and i felt guilty about leaving them because the foundation had stated that there would be no more hiring in the forseeable future. well, they are hiring again, so i took the chance to leave. i am unwilling to put forth the effort that was necessary, because i really don't care at all about the cause. its hard to bust your ass for something you really don't agree with, no matter what the pay is.
anyways, i don't really want to go into this now. i just don't care anymore. i hated that job. after 2 weeks at that job i wanted to quit. my job was stupid, but pretended to be real. the only reason i managed to stay as long as i did is because i could get away with doing very little work and still get paid for it. with the new manager, i could no longer get away with not working, so i quit so i can go find a new slack job. pizza delivery is sounding better every day.
i got in over my head. i mean, i wasn't over my head. i knew how to do everything. i did what was necessary of me, and i did it very well. i was just put in a position i didn't want. i am 21, i don't want a bunch of responsibilty and accountability out of a job. i want something easy and unassuming, with very few expectations. at my old job, the expectations were very high. i found little tricks and such that made it very very easy for me to live up to these expectations with the absolute minimum amount of effort. so, even though i was getting everything that was expected of me done, i was still in trouble because i did it too fast. there was nothing more for me to do, really. i could have gotten more shit to do, but that would have made the busy times overwhelming. i don't understand how my coworkers were always so busy. i don't think they actually were as busy as i think they were. i'm not sure what is going on there, because if i had actually worked as much as it seems like they worked...... granted, they all had wierd things to do like calling people and such, which i still don't understand. how were they all on their damn phones so much. i never used my phone. i don't know why they were on their phones.
so yeah, i went as long as i could flying under the radar to avoid unnecessary bullshit. my new boss made sure i had to deal with the bullshit. so i left. i was like fuck this, if you have a problem with the way i'm doing things, go find someone else who can do it better. just try. try to find someone who did all the shit i did as well as i did for as little money as i did. go ahead, try to find someone. i'm not going to put up with all the crap anymore. no one need that much frustration, especially at a job as absolutely retarded as this one. the cause the cause the cause, blah blah blah, the cause is fucking bullshit. there is no way we can do the things you tell us too. there is absolutely no chance for success. none, absolutely none. yet, we have all these goals that we are supposed to meet. we have deadlines for things that are impossible. we know these things are impossible. we try to say these things are impossible. what happens when we voice our concerns? i have to cut my fucking yearly labor allocation in fucking half and still have to meet the fucking goals that were impossible before. what the fuck am i supposed to do!!!!! there is no way it is going to work. everyone knows it. yet every month i have to update you on my project, how things are going. i have to outline all of my strategies in this stupid document that no one even fucking reads. and when i finish it earlier than everyone else, obviously i'm doing something wrong. it doesn't even matter if i'm right, i'm wrong because i'm not management. it doesn't matter that management has no fucking clue what is actually going on in the field. it doesn't matter that they are so far detached from reality that they think these things are possible. they are management. they make the goals, it is my job to achieve them.
i came in as grunt labor. i think it was the first time they had hired some wanker just to move dirt and do all the other shit other people were unwilling to do. i had no real responsibilities besides "show up here at this time." i was basically invisible to the management, and an absolute godsend to the rest of the staff. i see myself as a very curious, very attentive person. but i am also very comfortable in the shadows. i caught on very quickly. i saw what the place was really about, the way things were run, and how absolutely rediculous things were. i treated the job as such. after a while, they started putting me in charge of things, which i always thought was just funny, because at that point whenever i could get away with something, i would. i always say "life is all about appearances" and it is because of this job that i say it. i did as little as possible while still floating under the radar. eventually i realized i could do absolutely nothing, and get away with it. the great thing was, no one even noticed that i did absolutely nothing. so i did for a while. then everyone quit, and the responsibility of 17 people was dropped on the 4 of us who remained. so now there was no real flying under the radar, i had responsibilities and such. hell, i was actually in charge of shit, like really in charge. all the hours and stuff that i had always taken for granted were now created by me. i also see myself as a very intelligent person, so i picked up the easiest way to do things very quickly. the fact that i didn't give a rats ass really helped, because i put as little thought as possible into my numbers. i think that this is what made me so good at what i did. i had a very utilitarian approach to my actual responsibilities. i knew what needed to be done, and i knew how to do it. i didn't really think about it a lot. when things needed to be changed, i changed them. when plant lists needed to be made, i just threw something together that would work, because perfection really was wasted on this job. thats another problem with this job. you can put so much thought into things, and have things all planned out perfectly, but you will never get what you want. things always change. you can't control these things. so i always focused on covering all my bases, instead of covering what would be best for the project, because i knew what was best for the project had a snowball's chance in hell of happening.
i didn't care about my job, or the cause, so i really didn't think twice about doing this. it didn't matter to me at all what plants went where, so i just put the same plants everyone else was putting in the same places. people put so much thought into this shit. i just slapped it all together, and said this will work best, and it did. i was very good at finding easy, good solutions to everything. i didn't go for anything flashy like everyone else seemed to do. everyone was always so proud of putting new plants and such in certain areas. i didn't care, i put things in that would work, and that would make things the easiest for everyone who has to work with them. that was what i did. how can i do this that will be the easiest for me and everyone else. there wasn't much thought into is this the best way for this or that, but what will make the rest of the job easier on everyone. so i came up with great, workable solutions very quickly. then i had nothing else to do, so i did as little as possible, because there wasn't anything else to do. i made sure i had something going all the time, so i always had something to do. but the rest of the shit i had was shit that no one else wanted to do, or cared about. it was all just retarded crap that didn't matter at all to anyone. so when i was doing it, and it didn't get done, no one noticed or cared, least of all me. i could leave early if i wanted too, show up late, as long as i got the things that were absolutely necessary done. because i was doing my job, and in everyone elses eyes doing it very well, no one really cared. until this new boss showed up. she wanted to have full control of everything. she thought everything we did was stupid, and then attacked us as if we had any choice in the way we did things. let me add something here, we were all working within the very twisted guidelines that the foundation had. there were certain things we just didn't have control over, and that we had to deal with. these were the things that she would yell at US about. i just wanted to sit her down and started yelling at her about how she was chastizing us about things that we have been arguing about with our old boss forever, but were overruled on. and of course, she always knew the absolute best way things should be done. if you veered off that path at all, AT ALL, she was on your ass. the worst thing was, she expected you to know how she wanted shit done. the few weeks before i quit were really painful. anything i did, i would get an email about how i did it wrong, and that i should stop being wrong because being wrong was stupid, and stupid workers are the scum of the earth. but she never told me what i was doing wrong. it was all such vague bullshit, that i never knew what she wanted. so i'd try to fix it, and she'd get really mad at me. i'd ask her what i was doing wrong, and what she wanted done, and she wouldn't tell me. she literally wouldn't tell me. i would straight up say "tell me what i did wrong so i can correcty my mistakes and not make them in the future" and i would get angry, belittling emails back about how if i didn't know how to do my job, maybe i should talk to someone about it. FUCK YOU!!! I AM TALKING TO YOU ABOUT IT NOW!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!! so, nothing ever got done, because the way we were doing things was not the way she wanted things done. but she wouldn't tell us how she wanted things done. it got really old, because everytime i did something, even if it was exactly the way i had been doing things all along which followed starflower protocals to the best of my knowledge, it was wrong. it was one of the most frustrating experiences of my life, because i knew i was at least partially in the right, and that she was yelling about shit she doesn't even know about it. but i can't tell her she is a fucking moron because she is my boss. i have to go along with what she says, because she is the boss.
the shit that really got to me was the little things she disagreed with us all on. things that didn't fucking matter at all, and that i knew i was right about. like, for example.... i had to research digital cameras for the project we were doing. she told us to research digital cameras and report back with which one we should get. so i did. and i did a great job. like, this was something i could actually pay attention too and was kind of interested in. i mean, i really couldn't give a rats ass which digital camera we get, but i care a lot more about digital cameras than i do about ecology and restoration. this is not going to matter at all, to anyone. but still, i went to all sorts of webpages, read every review i could, and eventually decided on one. i was like, this is the one we should get. it does everything we want it too, has the highest ratings on every pages i go to, and has the best customer feed back and the fewest complaints. i turned in my research to my partner, and he was like hell yeah, this is the one. so, we turn it in to her, and we have a meeting. she gets this incredulous look on her face, and she's like why did you pick this one? kind of taken aback, i list all my reasons, and make my case. she didn't even fucking listen what i had to say, nothing i said even registered in her eyes. she didn't even respond to what i had to say. she just said "well i have this camera. why would you get that one when you could get this one. i have it, and i love it." it was so fucking stupid. i almost yelled out, why the fuck did you have me do all this research, just so you could make me look like an idiot and tell me that i'm wrong, without even listening to what i had to say. i don't care about the damn camera. you told me to research so i did. i gave you what i thought, and you just threw it all away and had me do something else. why did you make me waste my fucking time just so you could make me feel like an idiot at the end. it was all such a stupid thing, but the way it all happened reallly got under my skin. this woman made me feel like nothing.
i didn't want this job. i was doing all these things because everyone else quit, and i was the only one left. i saved the foundations ass, and did a damn good job. i exceeded everyone's expectations, and did it easily. i am doing a bunch of shit i never wanted to do because they drove the other people away and then weren't willing to hire anyone else to do it. i did it all on time, how i was told, and with a smile on my face. i dare you to try and find someone who will do my job better than me and who will put up with all the bullshit i put up with. i would have stayed forever if they had just left me alone, and let me do my job. but no, we can't have that. who cares if he's doing everything we ask him, he doesn't check in every day. he didn't tell us that he was going out to the jobsite to make sure everything was ready for the next week. we didn't know where he was for that four hours!!!!!!!!!! end of the world, obviously. lets crack down on him. lets watch him like a hawk and jump on everything we perceive he is doing wrong. lets give him as little information as possible about why we are picking on him, and expect him to put up with it, and then do more work. i do feel like i was singled out. no, i didn't always tell them where i was going. i didn't see how it could possibly be necessary. the type of control they wanted over the where and the when would have made it impossible for me to do my job as well as i did. i didn't care enough to want to put for the extra effort they wanted me too.
fuck them anyways. i'm not going to deal with the frustration anymore. i'd much rather be a nameless slave who goes to work with his head down and picks up a paycheck every 2 weeks. i'll show up on time, do my job, and leave. i don't have any grand plans about making a difference, or having a "good" career. any job will just be another shat job to me. i don't need all the extra frustration that that job provided. i just want to blend in to the background, do my job, and collect my money so i can eat. i don't care about success, a job is just a job. you are paying me for a service. i do that service, and get my money. i'll stand around and do some repetetive task as long as you leave me alone and pay me.
anyways yeah, sorry, i needed to vent. this is a jumbled mass of feelings i've been holding in because i think my bosses read my blog. whatever, i'm over it. bring on the lazy. oh, the sweet lazy
