Monday, March 10, 2003
ack, ACK, WAH!! self righteous blog alert. must resist the temptationto follow suit. although, it would be a funny thing to read in about 6 months when hopefully i have a few things in order. funny thing about complaining though. the things i tend to complain about in other people are things i do myself. i always feel so guilty and stupid. if i could just stop bitching about things, i would probably be a much happier and well rounded person. but i'm not, so i'll continue bitching.
ryan was talking about conversations though, and i pretty much agree with him. i always end up getting sucked into these arguements because someone else cares more than me about something i said in passing, and it would be rude to brush them off once they get all riled up. the main reason i end up explaining things is because i want people to see where i'm coming from so they don't misquote me. i say a lot of stuff that can be taken out of context, and it always bites me in the ass, so i always have to explain myself. too many people take these explainations as some sort of declaration of a belief, and feel the need to go on and on about what they think on whatever side subject they've pulled out of it. conversation is such a wierd thing. i'm wondering if conversation itself is actually dying, or if its just me being jaded, because it seems every conversation i get into ends up the same way. 4 people yelling about 4 different things, not even listening to what the other people have to say. its talking for the sake of talking. no one is paying attention to anyone but themselves, and no actual information is exchanged. everyone is looking for that sympathetic ear that they can unload their mind on, and no one wants to let other people get a word in edgewise because that will steal from their valuable talking time. i'm getting terrible at this, because i've gotten to the point where i just can't listen to someone else's one sided little diatribe about whatever without zoning off and continuing my own conversation in my head. the problem is, i've gotten so used to doing it that my attention span for other people is almost zero. so i come off as hugely insincere to other people, especially other people i don't know, and rightly so, because i'm really not paying attention to them because i've fried that part of my brain on countless meaningless exchanges about the inadequacy of american society and how it has been amplified by GW, or listening to such and such explain how much they know about so and so. the latter is reaaaally dangerous for me, because when it comes down too it, i'm a really competetive person. i try to suppress these competetive urges, but they always fly out. the real problem is, i'm not one who can be bothered to do little things like, oh, find the facts about the subject or even knowing anything at all. so i just sit there and throw out the 3 little tidbits i know on the subject in hopes that they hold up against the 3 contradictory tidbits someone else has on the subject, when really neither of us know jack shit about anything, and we really have no right to be talking in the first place. we just sit there making more and more stuff up because neither of us want to admit that we might be full of shit, and in the process we both end up looking like asses.
i am what i hate, which is probably why i gravitate towards people who do things that really piss me off.
why do i need to tell other people what i know? why do i even think that they are going to care about what i like or what my problems are. and thus, we get to the subject of idle curiousity. the thing that draws me back to conversation like it draws me to so many things. conversation is a spectator sport for me. i mean, i can go on and on about how i don't pay attention, but that really only applies to certain scenarios. the scenarios that piss me off, which are obviously the scenarios i remember. because if i care about someone, or even recognize someone, i'll usually listen to what they are saying and try to understand what they mean. i consider myself an average conversationalist, because i can at least pluck the meaning out of what other people are saying and comment on it before launching into my own shpiel about whatever i wanted to talk about. you never know what other people are going to say if you let them keep talking. sometimes i'll just let people keep talking as a game to see when they'll stop. usually i get bored before they do and get distracted and wander off. conversations suck, but part of knowing people is being interested in what they have to say, so i really shouldn't bitch so much about it. listening is a lot easier than having to think of things to talk about, which i must admit is something i'm not so good at. i'm very comfortable in silence, but other people aren't. so their discomfort wears off on me, and all of the sudden i'm uncomfortable because their uncomfortable because i'm not talking at all, so i try to talk, and its just more uncomfortable because i don't know what i'm saying, or even really thinking at all.
but i am rambling. rambling is a healthy thing. i am a BIG fan of conversations that ramble. i love people i can carry on a conversation with pretty much indefinitely. see, this is a weird idea, because i've gone on and on about how i can't carry on a conversation with a topic. if a conversation doesn't have a topic, but it still keeps going, that is happiness for me. its a hard thing to do, because most people want to talk about certain things that are on their mind, instead of just talking about stuff. not me. i come into a conversation with a clean slate. if you go into a conversation with something to say, you'll just end up pissed in the end. i can keep up a conversation in my head, i don't need to talk to other people. well i do, but it is kind of a rare thing. so i don't dictate the direction of the conversation. if no one is dictating the direction of the conversation, and everyone else just kind of hops fluidly from topic to topic with whoever happens to be doing the hopping at the time, anything and everything can and will be said, and it is hilarious. i'm reminded of the Lords of the Universe conversation at work with Ryan, countless conversations stoned and not on the couch in my house here or the couch on airs porch. this is the kind of communication i like, where people are just kind of flowing with their thought process instead of rehashing the same stupid stuff they've already planned in their head, just waiting for some poor unsuspecting fool like me to wander by so they can start going off on whatever topic is their pet of the moment. thats not real, thats like debate in high school. i hated debating in high school.
ok, so right now i can't remember anything i've said in this whole thing. i remember debate, and i can look up and see i talked about rambling, but before that is a mystery. i've probably contradicted myself in every other sentance. it just goes to show, i don't have many set beliefs. my views on everything are constantly changing. i change views in mid explaination, when some other thought or little nugget of wisdom presents itself, and it is necessary to do a little tweaking. i don't think i believe in anything strongly enough to actually go through the time and trouble of defending it to other people. i'm much more comfortable not talking about things, but rambling about stuff.
the end
ryan was talking about conversations though, and i pretty much agree with him. i always end up getting sucked into these arguements because someone else cares more than me about something i said in passing, and it would be rude to brush them off once they get all riled up. the main reason i end up explaining things is because i want people to see where i'm coming from so they don't misquote me. i say a lot of stuff that can be taken out of context, and it always bites me in the ass, so i always have to explain myself. too many people take these explainations as some sort of declaration of a belief, and feel the need to go on and on about what they think on whatever side subject they've pulled out of it. conversation is such a wierd thing. i'm wondering if conversation itself is actually dying, or if its just me being jaded, because it seems every conversation i get into ends up the same way. 4 people yelling about 4 different things, not even listening to what the other people have to say. its talking for the sake of talking. no one is paying attention to anyone but themselves, and no actual information is exchanged. everyone is looking for that sympathetic ear that they can unload their mind on, and no one wants to let other people get a word in edgewise because that will steal from their valuable talking time. i'm getting terrible at this, because i've gotten to the point where i just can't listen to someone else's one sided little diatribe about whatever without zoning off and continuing my own conversation in my head. the problem is, i've gotten so used to doing it that my attention span for other people is almost zero. so i come off as hugely insincere to other people, especially other people i don't know, and rightly so, because i'm really not paying attention to them because i've fried that part of my brain on countless meaningless exchanges about the inadequacy of american society and how it has been amplified by GW, or listening to such and such explain how much they know about so and so. the latter is reaaaally dangerous for me, because when it comes down too it, i'm a really competetive person. i try to suppress these competetive urges, but they always fly out. the real problem is, i'm not one who can be bothered to do little things like, oh, find the facts about the subject or even knowing anything at all. so i just sit there and throw out the 3 little tidbits i know on the subject in hopes that they hold up against the 3 contradictory tidbits someone else has on the subject, when really neither of us know jack shit about anything, and we really have no right to be talking in the first place. we just sit there making more and more stuff up because neither of us want to admit that we might be full of shit, and in the process we both end up looking like asses.
i am what i hate, which is probably why i gravitate towards people who do things that really piss me off.
why do i need to tell other people what i know? why do i even think that they are going to care about what i like or what my problems are. and thus, we get to the subject of idle curiousity. the thing that draws me back to conversation like it draws me to so many things. conversation is a spectator sport for me. i mean, i can go on and on about how i don't pay attention, but that really only applies to certain scenarios. the scenarios that piss me off, which are obviously the scenarios i remember. because if i care about someone, or even recognize someone, i'll usually listen to what they are saying and try to understand what they mean. i consider myself an average conversationalist, because i can at least pluck the meaning out of what other people are saying and comment on it before launching into my own shpiel about whatever i wanted to talk about. you never know what other people are going to say if you let them keep talking. sometimes i'll just let people keep talking as a game to see when they'll stop. usually i get bored before they do and get distracted and wander off. conversations suck, but part of knowing people is being interested in what they have to say, so i really shouldn't bitch so much about it. listening is a lot easier than having to think of things to talk about, which i must admit is something i'm not so good at. i'm very comfortable in silence, but other people aren't. so their discomfort wears off on me, and all of the sudden i'm uncomfortable because their uncomfortable because i'm not talking at all, so i try to talk, and its just more uncomfortable because i don't know what i'm saying, or even really thinking at all.
but i am rambling. rambling is a healthy thing. i am a BIG fan of conversations that ramble. i love people i can carry on a conversation with pretty much indefinitely. see, this is a weird idea, because i've gone on and on about how i can't carry on a conversation with a topic. if a conversation doesn't have a topic, but it still keeps going, that is happiness for me. its a hard thing to do, because most people want to talk about certain things that are on their mind, instead of just talking about stuff. not me. i come into a conversation with a clean slate. if you go into a conversation with something to say, you'll just end up pissed in the end. i can keep up a conversation in my head, i don't need to talk to other people. well i do, but it is kind of a rare thing. so i don't dictate the direction of the conversation. if no one is dictating the direction of the conversation, and everyone else just kind of hops fluidly from topic to topic with whoever happens to be doing the hopping at the time, anything and everything can and will be said, and it is hilarious. i'm reminded of the Lords of the Universe conversation at work with Ryan, countless conversations stoned and not on the couch in my house here or the couch on airs porch. this is the kind of communication i like, where people are just kind of flowing with their thought process instead of rehashing the same stupid stuff they've already planned in their head, just waiting for some poor unsuspecting fool like me to wander by so they can start going off on whatever topic is their pet of the moment. thats not real, thats like debate in high school. i hated debating in high school.
ok, so right now i can't remember anything i've said in this whole thing. i remember debate, and i can look up and see i talked about rambling, but before that is a mystery. i've probably contradicted myself in every other sentance. it just goes to show, i don't have many set beliefs. my views on everything are constantly changing. i change views in mid explaination, when some other thought or little nugget of wisdom presents itself, and it is necessary to do a little tweaking. i don't think i believe in anything strongly enough to actually go through the time and trouble of defending it to other people. i'm much more comfortable not talking about things, but rambling about stuff.
the end
