Thursday, March 20, 2003
having nothing to say is always fairly disheartening. i mean, not trying is one thing, but actually wanting to write because its like 5:30 in the morning and you are feeling creative, only to be slapped in the face with reality is quite another.
so, if i can't be outright creative and write something of substance, i'll reach into my brain and pull out whatever i can come up with. i did this once with fairly good results, and once with disasterous results. i thought it was kind of cool, just because it broke up the monotany of my usual rant. i'll call it a rant in the singular form, because it is usually the same arguement, just directed towards one aspect of life or another. the only rule, is that nothing can be premeditated (with the exception of the first thing of course, you have to get the ball rolling). i'll try to do it, just change subject whenever my mind changes subjects. who knows, its worth a shot, and at least its moderately creative by my own standards. so without further ado....
american idol is a great show this year. there are some very talented people, but a few just outshine everyone. i am convinced that clay is not human. he is some sort of elf or something. he has superhuman powers, and he's just kind of showing off. i feel a wierd connection too him, because i see the same sort of quiet arrogance in the way he looks and talks that i have all the time. except he is actually better than other people at singing, so his arrogance is justified. my arrogance is the creation of my own boredom. if i am bored with life, it must mean i am above this meager existance. who knows, maybe i am actually from clay's superior inhuman race, and i just haven't found that one thing i was genetically programmed to be perfect at.
perfection is kind of a tricky subject. it takes an unbelievable amount of skill at something to even flirt with perfection. the point where you are so in tune with your senses, that simply getting something done without screwing up isn't even part of the picture, and that you can take miniscule risks that flirt with disaster to push your overall skill that much closer to being perfect. its wierd, because there is no way to be perfect. you can do things perfectly, but 9 times out of 10, it will be completely by accident. you can push your skill level, until you can reproduce this fluke result, but it means taking risks. my current view of perfections comes from car racing, in particular the anime series Initial D and the video game Gran Turismo. see, i was always incredible at Gran Turismo. i spent so much time dinking around the first time i played it, just in awe with the game that i didn't know you could make your car better. so i had to find a way to beat the other cars, even though my car was slower than theirs. i didn't know that i was taking forever, because i had never played the game. but i spent a loooong time trying to beat these cars, figuring that this sort of thing was normal. i played with that one car so much, trying to make more money, that i was good enough to know exactly how my car would react in any situation, and i could manipulate this to get through the course faster. it was something i always understood, but i could never put into words. it was a need for perfection, because there is a perfect way through each course, where you maintain a maximum overall speed and take the most advantageous line, so there is no way anyone could do it faster. this is what i always looked for. i never really felt anyone else understood, even though everyone did. when i watched initial d, it felt like i was playing gran turismo again, like at the peak of my form, when i was so good i was trying to shave that extra hundredth of a second off to get a better lap time by going through a corner at the edge of control, yet still taking the best line physically possible. i feel like i am getting pretty good at the game again. i'm probably better than i ever was in the past, but no where near as good as i could be. it is frustrating, and why i don't play more. it is a big time commitment, even though time is the only thing i have tons of right now. maybe i'm not willing to commit the attention. why bother searching for perfection when i can watch takumi and experience it with him, without the frustration of never being able to do it in a video game.
time is going by waaaay too quickly. i mean, its almost the end of march? february is a blur. the entire time since my last day of work is a blur. it has felt like no time at all, but when i think about it, it feels like forever. it is glorious. i really really enjoy doing nothing. i could do this for the rest of my life. when you aren't doing anything, you don't care if your nothing gets recognized by other people. your happiness is your number one priority, and after a while you don't care about pleasing other people. sure its nice, but when you are home on your ass, there is no one else to please but yourself, and it is mighty fine. you always have weekends, when the rest of the world is ready to unwind. of course, you never had the chance to get wound up, so you slip into the whole mood very well. it is kind of fun, as long as you don't mind the boredom, because boredom because the overriding emotion. boredom is better than bitterness or blind rage.
of course, i have no mental stimulation these days, besides writing in this here journal. it is the only thing that keeps my mind working. i feel myself dulling, which is a little annoying. thats what is different about me these days. i'm almost longing for school. i think about school and look forward to lectures, and homework, and tests. i don't have to worry about work, or anything, and i really wish i was in school right now. it may sound perverted, but NOTHING can compare to the satisfaction of pouring your entire mental capacity into a problem or a paper, and doing things correctly. i have nothing in my life that stimulates me, at least not in the way school did. i really miss the way i felt when i was actually good at school, when i could figure anything out. being pushed by chemistry, or calculus, or physics, or whatever i was doing. i really really miss that. i feel stupid these days. i want to feel smart again. i want something to tell me to do something so i can work and figure it out. and i want people to tell me i did a good job when i do it perfectly. i miss it. there is something lacking in my life, and i think it is mental stimulation. it is really wierd, because it is all i think about these days, and it scares the shit out of me. because, what if i go back to school, and just fuck up again? i am really not a fan of fucking up, and i'll tell you straight out that i fucked up with school. there is no one to blame but myself. i make excuses every damn day, but i just blew it. i know i can do it. i very rarely reach my full potential. even half my potential could get me anything i wanted in life. but i didn't even reach any of my potential in college. i just blew it. i fucked up big time, and it is eating me inside. i want to go back and prove to myself that i'm not just a fuck up, and that i can do it. but what if i go back, and i blow it again. it will prove that everything i believe about myself is a sham, and that i am really not good enough, and that i will never be good enough, and it is not really a matter of potential, because this is it. this is the extent of my potential. i know its not true, but how many chances will i get. i don't know, i just don't know. a part of me feels like i am more ready now to be in school than i ever have been in my life, but another part of me is smacking the first part of me for being so dillusional. can i find a way to strike a balance between the two sides? if i go to school, can i keep them both happy, the part that needs to succeed, and the part that needs to be lazy? there has to be a way to find a balance, otherwise i'm screwed in life. like, this is it, i'll be the same person i am today in 20 years, even though everyone else i know has grown beyond me. there has to be a way to keep the lazy ass part of me happy, while still keeping the smart side of me sharp enough to concentrate on school.
i am a fairly hypocritcal person. i condemn people for beliefs i think are stupid, but i refuse to put my own beliefs out in the open, with the fear that someone else might do the same to me. i talk a lot without thinking. i just assume i am right. i don't know why i do this. i guess it is because i don't know any better. i mean, i don't know anyone elses arguement straight off, so why wouldn't i believe the arguement my own mind has put forth? i tend to trust my minds judgement, at least on the thinking side of things. there are parts of the whole decision making process and social interaction process that i truely question, but with each poor judgement call or stupid moment, i feel i learn something. someday i'll have enough figured out where i can just talk without holding back, because i will believe in myself enough to let people attack my beliefs, and believe that i can defend them, or at least be able to modify them without losing sight of the original belief. because i know i can't do that now, but i live under the assumption that i will be able to, so i keep talking about things as if i were right. because to me, i am right. why would i think i was wrong? i mean, thinking other people are wrong is one thing, because you don't know the though process behind their idea. my mind created my ideas, why would i want to doubt such brilliance?
i don't know what i need, but i do know some form of structure would be really good for me. since i can't see myself in the military and i really have a hate affair with work right now, the only thing i can come up with is school, or a girl. a girl is an entirely different beast, one i don't think i could deal with. i'd be eaten alive. i mean, its not that i don't want a girlfriend, i'm dying for one. i just don't think i could handle it. i'm not ready. i'd put forth the effort and still manage to blow it. i'd go in with good intentions and come out looking like the king of all turds because i'm stupid and don't stop to think about what i'm doing. i'd drive her off, and drive all her friends off and be left with nothing again. eventually, it will be time to step up and start taking risks, but i'm not ready for it. i've found a nice little rut here. at first it was just a road i was going down, until i started wearing my little rut down. eventually it became a hassle, but i kept going until things all kind of smoothed out. now i'm perfecting it, i've got this nice marble tile thing going on, with plush carpeting for my trudging pleasure. who cares, living in a fancy rut is better than living in a run down failing relationship, at least at this point. eventually my rut will collapse in on itself, but it just keeps getting better. when i get sick of being single, i'll probably stop and do something about it (i hope). but until then, i don't see how i could function with a girlfriend. more importantly, i don't see how a girl could function with me, and i don't want ANOTHER person pissed at me. thats the last thing i need. i seem to piss people off well enough without even trying. who would have known, i always thought i was a fairly agreeable guy, but i'm really not. i'm rude and often blunt, with a short attention span. i forget common social curtesies because i'm lazy, and tend to annoy people. tip top!!!! but i have fun, and its a classic case of "once you get to know me, i'm really a great guy!" someday, someone is going to come to their senses and realize that i'm an ok guy to be around. hopefully i feel the same way about said person. chances are i will. i mean, it doesn't take much to win me over. i have high standard, but not that high. of course, this is all moot. the chances of another girl just falling into my lap are slim to none. i've used up all my freebies, i have to work for it from now on. i'm convinced of this. its kind of a daunting prospect. someday i'll snap out of it. it will probably be the same day i can call up pizza hut and order stuff without getting all freaked out about having to use the phone.
i swear, i have the wierdest phobias. they aren't even really phobias, because it isn't really about being afraid. i mean, it is and it isn't. i can't screw up everytime. actually, i can and will screw up everything, all the time. the thing is, it doesn't matter. people make mistakes. no one cares if you make a mistake but you. i make them every day. i make mistakes every time i try to do something, but they don't really matter. the big ones stand out, but they don't happen that often. if you live your life afraid of messing everything up you end up like me, unemployed sitting in a little crack house apartment jabbering to a freaking computer screen at strange hours of the morning, only to turn around and realize it is now light out and you've wasted another day. was it really wasted? did i do anything yesterday that is hurting me as a person? i don't think so. chalk it up to another learning experience.
i'm thirsty, so chew on that for a bit. i just sat down and typed about nothing for an hour straight. that felt really damn good
so, if i can't be outright creative and write something of substance, i'll reach into my brain and pull out whatever i can come up with. i did this once with fairly good results, and once with disasterous results. i thought it was kind of cool, just because it broke up the monotany of my usual rant. i'll call it a rant in the singular form, because it is usually the same arguement, just directed towards one aspect of life or another. the only rule, is that nothing can be premeditated (with the exception of the first thing of course, you have to get the ball rolling). i'll try to do it, just change subject whenever my mind changes subjects. who knows, its worth a shot, and at least its moderately creative by my own standards. so without further ado....
american idol is a great show this year. there are some very talented people, but a few just outshine everyone. i am convinced that clay is not human. he is some sort of elf or something. he has superhuman powers, and he's just kind of showing off. i feel a wierd connection too him, because i see the same sort of quiet arrogance in the way he looks and talks that i have all the time. except he is actually better than other people at singing, so his arrogance is justified. my arrogance is the creation of my own boredom. if i am bored with life, it must mean i am above this meager existance. who knows, maybe i am actually from clay's superior inhuman race, and i just haven't found that one thing i was genetically programmed to be perfect at.
perfection is kind of a tricky subject. it takes an unbelievable amount of skill at something to even flirt with perfection. the point where you are so in tune with your senses, that simply getting something done without screwing up isn't even part of the picture, and that you can take miniscule risks that flirt with disaster to push your overall skill that much closer to being perfect. its wierd, because there is no way to be perfect. you can do things perfectly, but 9 times out of 10, it will be completely by accident. you can push your skill level, until you can reproduce this fluke result, but it means taking risks. my current view of perfections comes from car racing, in particular the anime series Initial D and the video game Gran Turismo. see, i was always incredible at Gran Turismo. i spent so much time dinking around the first time i played it, just in awe with the game that i didn't know you could make your car better. so i had to find a way to beat the other cars, even though my car was slower than theirs. i didn't know that i was taking forever, because i had never played the game. but i spent a loooong time trying to beat these cars, figuring that this sort of thing was normal. i played with that one car so much, trying to make more money, that i was good enough to know exactly how my car would react in any situation, and i could manipulate this to get through the course faster. it was something i always understood, but i could never put into words. it was a need for perfection, because there is a perfect way through each course, where you maintain a maximum overall speed and take the most advantageous line, so there is no way anyone could do it faster. this is what i always looked for. i never really felt anyone else understood, even though everyone did. when i watched initial d, it felt like i was playing gran turismo again, like at the peak of my form, when i was so good i was trying to shave that extra hundredth of a second off to get a better lap time by going through a corner at the edge of control, yet still taking the best line physically possible. i feel like i am getting pretty good at the game again. i'm probably better than i ever was in the past, but no where near as good as i could be. it is frustrating, and why i don't play more. it is a big time commitment, even though time is the only thing i have tons of right now. maybe i'm not willing to commit the attention. why bother searching for perfection when i can watch takumi and experience it with him, without the frustration of never being able to do it in a video game.
time is going by waaaay too quickly. i mean, its almost the end of march? february is a blur. the entire time since my last day of work is a blur. it has felt like no time at all, but when i think about it, it feels like forever. it is glorious. i really really enjoy doing nothing. i could do this for the rest of my life. when you aren't doing anything, you don't care if your nothing gets recognized by other people. your happiness is your number one priority, and after a while you don't care about pleasing other people. sure its nice, but when you are home on your ass, there is no one else to please but yourself, and it is mighty fine. you always have weekends, when the rest of the world is ready to unwind. of course, you never had the chance to get wound up, so you slip into the whole mood very well. it is kind of fun, as long as you don't mind the boredom, because boredom because the overriding emotion. boredom is better than bitterness or blind rage.
of course, i have no mental stimulation these days, besides writing in this here journal. it is the only thing that keeps my mind working. i feel myself dulling, which is a little annoying. thats what is different about me these days. i'm almost longing for school. i think about school and look forward to lectures, and homework, and tests. i don't have to worry about work, or anything, and i really wish i was in school right now. it may sound perverted, but NOTHING can compare to the satisfaction of pouring your entire mental capacity into a problem or a paper, and doing things correctly. i have nothing in my life that stimulates me, at least not in the way school did. i really miss the way i felt when i was actually good at school, when i could figure anything out. being pushed by chemistry, or calculus, or physics, or whatever i was doing. i really really miss that. i feel stupid these days. i want to feel smart again. i want something to tell me to do something so i can work and figure it out. and i want people to tell me i did a good job when i do it perfectly. i miss it. there is something lacking in my life, and i think it is mental stimulation. it is really wierd, because it is all i think about these days, and it scares the shit out of me. because, what if i go back to school, and just fuck up again? i am really not a fan of fucking up, and i'll tell you straight out that i fucked up with school. there is no one to blame but myself. i make excuses every damn day, but i just blew it. i know i can do it. i very rarely reach my full potential. even half my potential could get me anything i wanted in life. but i didn't even reach any of my potential in college. i just blew it. i fucked up big time, and it is eating me inside. i want to go back and prove to myself that i'm not just a fuck up, and that i can do it. but what if i go back, and i blow it again. it will prove that everything i believe about myself is a sham, and that i am really not good enough, and that i will never be good enough, and it is not really a matter of potential, because this is it. this is the extent of my potential. i know its not true, but how many chances will i get. i don't know, i just don't know. a part of me feels like i am more ready now to be in school than i ever have been in my life, but another part of me is smacking the first part of me for being so dillusional. can i find a way to strike a balance between the two sides? if i go to school, can i keep them both happy, the part that needs to succeed, and the part that needs to be lazy? there has to be a way to find a balance, otherwise i'm screwed in life. like, this is it, i'll be the same person i am today in 20 years, even though everyone else i know has grown beyond me. there has to be a way to keep the lazy ass part of me happy, while still keeping the smart side of me sharp enough to concentrate on school.
i am a fairly hypocritcal person. i condemn people for beliefs i think are stupid, but i refuse to put my own beliefs out in the open, with the fear that someone else might do the same to me. i talk a lot without thinking. i just assume i am right. i don't know why i do this. i guess it is because i don't know any better. i mean, i don't know anyone elses arguement straight off, so why wouldn't i believe the arguement my own mind has put forth? i tend to trust my minds judgement, at least on the thinking side of things. there are parts of the whole decision making process and social interaction process that i truely question, but with each poor judgement call or stupid moment, i feel i learn something. someday i'll have enough figured out where i can just talk without holding back, because i will believe in myself enough to let people attack my beliefs, and believe that i can defend them, or at least be able to modify them without losing sight of the original belief. because i know i can't do that now, but i live under the assumption that i will be able to, so i keep talking about things as if i were right. because to me, i am right. why would i think i was wrong? i mean, thinking other people are wrong is one thing, because you don't know the though process behind their idea. my mind created my ideas, why would i want to doubt such brilliance?
i don't know what i need, but i do know some form of structure would be really good for me. since i can't see myself in the military and i really have a hate affair with work right now, the only thing i can come up with is school, or a girl. a girl is an entirely different beast, one i don't think i could deal with. i'd be eaten alive. i mean, its not that i don't want a girlfriend, i'm dying for one. i just don't think i could handle it. i'm not ready. i'd put forth the effort and still manage to blow it. i'd go in with good intentions and come out looking like the king of all turds because i'm stupid and don't stop to think about what i'm doing. i'd drive her off, and drive all her friends off and be left with nothing again. eventually, it will be time to step up and start taking risks, but i'm not ready for it. i've found a nice little rut here. at first it was just a road i was going down, until i started wearing my little rut down. eventually it became a hassle, but i kept going until things all kind of smoothed out. now i'm perfecting it, i've got this nice marble tile thing going on, with plush carpeting for my trudging pleasure. who cares, living in a fancy rut is better than living in a run down failing relationship, at least at this point. eventually my rut will collapse in on itself, but it just keeps getting better. when i get sick of being single, i'll probably stop and do something about it (i hope). but until then, i don't see how i could function with a girlfriend. more importantly, i don't see how a girl could function with me, and i don't want ANOTHER person pissed at me. thats the last thing i need. i seem to piss people off well enough without even trying. who would have known, i always thought i was a fairly agreeable guy, but i'm really not. i'm rude and often blunt, with a short attention span. i forget common social curtesies because i'm lazy, and tend to annoy people. tip top!!!! but i have fun, and its a classic case of "once you get to know me, i'm really a great guy!" someday, someone is going to come to their senses and realize that i'm an ok guy to be around. hopefully i feel the same way about said person. chances are i will. i mean, it doesn't take much to win me over. i have high standard, but not that high. of course, this is all moot. the chances of another girl just falling into my lap are slim to none. i've used up all my freebies, i have to work for it from now on. i'm convinced of this. its kind of a daunting prospect. someday i'll snap out of it. it will probably be the same day i can call up pizza hut and order stuff without getting all freaked out about having to use the phone.
i swear, i have the wierdest phobias. they aren't even really phobias, because it isn't really about being afraid. i mean, it is and it isn't. i can't screw up everytime. actually, i can and will screw up everything, all the time. the thing is, it doesn't matter. people make mistakes. no one cares if you make a mistake but you. i make them every day. i make mistakes every time i try to do something, but they don't really matter. the big ones stand out, but they don't happen that often. if you live your life afraid of messing everything up you end up like me, unemployed sitting in a little crack house apartment jabbering to a freaking computer screen at strange hours of the morning, only to turn around and realize it is now light out and you've wasted another day. was it really wasted? did i do anything yesterday that is hurting me as a person? i don't think so. chalk it up to another learning experience.
i'm thirsty, so chew on that for a bit. i just sat down and typed about nothing for an hour straight. that felt really damn good
