i've been reading this book atlas shrugged by ayn rand, and i can't decide whether i agree or disagree. i think i agree with what she is saying, except for the way she seems to trash people when they think practically instead of thinking in terms of right and wrong. her world is too black and white for me to function in. the basis of everything i think is based on the fact that the world is not black and white, and that right and wrong end up being the outer boundarys of the acceptable grey area. if you get out of the range of the acceptable grey, black and white turn into destructive fanatacism no matter which way you go. of course, she is talking about the uber rich where day to day survival doesn't factor in to the equation. for us working folk, we don't have the luxury of having iron clad beliefs like her characters do. we are the casualties they are writing off. but i agree with a lot of it, i mean the basic theory behind it. i think she is right on, and i think it is scary some of the parallels you can draw between the united states in her book and ours today, no matter how over-exaggerated hers is.

anyways, thats what i wanted to say. thats the point i tried to make to ryan a while ago when we were talking about this, and the point i tried to make to matt last night. they were both stuck on this whole agree or disagree thing, and i'm not about to swallow someones entire philosophy whole because i've read part of a book. sure, she says a lot of things that makes sense, and gives words to a lot of things i believe that never had words before, but to agree with her would be throwing out a lot of what i believed before, and i'm not going to do that because i just don't agree with all of it. it doesn't mean i don't agree with her. her book oversimplifies a lot of it. it sucks, because she makes me feel like a looter for believing certain things i believe when i have been doing everything in my power to not be a looter for a good portion of my life, i like to believe.

the whole looter thing is the scary part to me. how people think it is ok to just take things from other people. the whole "there is nothing i could do about it, you can't blame me" mentality. i look back and realize i have lost a lot of money and have been forced to work a lot harder at my jobs and stuff because of people with this mentality, and how it never made sense to me. i thought i was out of line, but now i know i'm not. other people think the same way, and when they spell it out, i have logic and reason on my side. they just are outright looters, and it is wrong. there should be no place for that kind of mentality, but there is. hell, i do it. i can preach about how i believe it and all, but we are all guilty. but i like to think that overall, i am not a looter. i look back and i can't really think of too many times where i've just adopted this mentality and screwed someone out of something. it just doesn't make sense. no matter how i look at it, it is wrong, and there is no justification for it. there are no excuses. so yeah, all you looters, stop looting from me. stop looting from everyone. the less looters we have, the better the world will be. even one less looter helps.

but yeah, i'm completely guilty of looting. look at my last job. shoot me in the head. oh well. call it a d'Anconian attempt to leech the world of that much more stupid money ;) yeah yeah, thats what i was doing....

its wierd though, i've been feeling less and less at ease around people lately, people i know. i feel detatched. i feel i don't have a connection with anyone i know, even the people i've known forever. even ryan, i'm just like "i don't know what to say, i have nothing to say." its like my mind has given up trying to communicate what its thinking. i'm turning into a complete introvert, i feel more at ease alone now than i do around people. and by people, i mean people i know. customers don't even exist. i could be dealing with a mailbox for all i care. it just makes it easier that way. if you try to think of customers as people, you'll just end up pissing yourself off because there are a lot of annoying people out there, and everyone orders pizza. its just a job, its not worth any emotional distress. i come to your door, i give you the pizza, you give me the cash. i'm polite because they told me to be, and because it doesn't make any sense for me not to be. i'm at work, i'm supposed to be polite. working is great, because i always have an excuse to not be a person and talk and stuff. i can always go do work. and i do, as much as possible. i keep myself busy as much as possible while i'm at work because there is really no reason not too. its all stuff i don't mind, and it is satisfying to keep myself busy. its all easy, but it is all necessary, which is kind of a new thing. i can see the effects of everything i'm doing, because it makes the business run smoother. everyone else does their job, and i'm happy to keep my little part of the world functional and out of the way.

i was trying to talk about how i am uneasy around people i know, and it inevitably turns into me talking about work. i always end up talking about work. what else would i talk about, though? what else do i do? i'm always at work, and if i'm not i'm at home because i have to work the next day. i mean, its not like i have anything against people, or that they have done someting to me, i just don't have anything to say. i see everyone, and i'm just like "yep, there you are." and i'm sitting here like "yup, here i am" and it doesn't really mean anything. i'm just indifferent. when i do talk, i feel like an ass because its just talking to fill the space and no one really cares, and who am i to just sit there talking. what makes my part of the conversation so important that i should be talking. its not like anyone is actually listening.

i don't have anything i connect with. there is nothing i care about right now. my life is dull. i wish i had interests. i can never find something that truely interests me enough to warrant more than some sort of acknowlegement in passing. i'm half wondering why i'm depressed because my train of thoughts all point in that direction, but i don't have anything to be depressed about, and i don't feel depressed. its like i'm completely neutral. and its weird, and i don't understand it. the worst part of it is i don't end up getting any thoughts out, so they just stagnate in my head and disappear. i used to use this blog to get things out, but now a days i sit here and i'm like "is there anything in my head that is even worth putting down for my own use?" and there isn't. i can't even communicate my thoughts to myself. its frustrating. i should start forcing myself. i'm going to start forcing myself. i'm going to set aside an hour or so where i'll listen to music and just dictate stuff to my blog.

once a day? no way, never

once a week? why even bother at all, a week is way too long.

in the end, i don't care, because i know i'm not going to do it. i know i have every reason to do it, but i just won't, and i don't know why. i need pay off my freaking credit card bill, thats what i need to do :P right now, all my money is going to the fucking looters. i don't even have enough to buy food for myself. i can't remember the last time i had 2 real meals in a day, let alone 3. yet, here i am paying off this credit card bill. oh yeah, and as far as that whole stripper thing goes, the club submitted a report that shows their legal proof that i was there in the club, and that i agreed to pay this money. it will stand up in court against anything i try, because i don't have any proof. i'm being beaten by paperwork. they have it, and i don't. business law, right and wrong, they don't really matter here. you guys can preach all you want about how i shouldn't have to pay it, but they have a case against me that i won't be able to beat. i've been told this by 2 fraud protectors at my credit card company, both of whom have explained to me the legal loopholes they are using and will continue to use. i mean, lets face it. its a strip club, they aren't going to be a bastion of morality. they have no problem looting people because they know they can get away with it. consumer protection laws don't apply to you anymore if you are dumb enough to use your credit card at a strip club.

but i'll keep working. i'll keep working until i've paid off all of my money that the looters have decided to steal. but it will never end. eventually something else will happen and someone else will screw me in an even more spectacular way and claim "i couldn't help it, its not my fault" so they can save themselves, only to destroy me. i hate things that are out of my hands, because other people are stupid, and don't understand that they are stupid. for example, we have this huge charge on our gas bill right now. we've had it forever, because matt decided we didn't have to pay the gas for a few months at our old house (as far as i can tell, feel free to refute that fact sir). so, of course, they tracked us down and are trying to get their money, which we aren't giving them. i can tell you exactly what is going to happen right now. eventually one of three things is going to happen.

a) the gas company will finally try to collect. matt will not have enough money to pay any of it, so several thousand dollars will end up getting charged to my credit card, leaving me to pay off someone elses dumb mistake, like usual. matt will not pay me back, because he never seems too unless i force him too, and i refuse to resort to looter tactics to get what is rightfully mine. this, of course, is a paradox, because it leads to more looting. but i refuse to be a looter, i won't do it. so, in the end, i'll pay for what is ultimately out of my control just like i normally do.

b) matt and i go our seperate ways. matt continues his selective bill paying. i open a new gas account for myself. the gas company realizes they are never going to get their money back from matt, so they peg me with the charges on my new account. i end up paying the whole thing myself, because i know it would be futile to try and get any of it from matt.

c) i talk to matt and ask to look at the bills to see if there is any way to get this whole thing squared away. i ask if they have been charging interest to our account, which of course they have. we now owe twice as much as we used too because matt conveniently ignored that extra charge on our bill and wrote it off as "not my problem, so i'm just not going to pay it". i end up paying off the thing in full so things don't get any worse for me in the end (for the other endings, see points a and b)

i hate to use matt as an example, because i know it will just cause strife for me in the end, but it is the truth. i don't care anymore if it causes him to be mad at me. last time he fucked up royally and didn't pay the bills right, it all went on my credit card because if we didn't pay it then, they were going to start charging us more money, money i would have had to pay anyways. and he never paid me back for it, he never was going to pay me back for it. he may have said he was, but i didn't believe him then. i paid it off because not doing so was going to fuck me out of more money. i don't see any reason for it to be different this time.

i just don't know what i'm going to do. it seems like the more i do to live my life well, the more the rest of the world punishes me. all of my friends seem have caused me to lose gratuitous amounts of money, with the exception of ryan who lives on the other side of the world for all practical purposes. i'm fucking sick of it. it pisses me the fuck off. i don't care anymore that the other house managed to fuck up and not get any damage deposit back, which is bullshit because they could have, they were just dumb. i don't care anymore that matt doesn't thing, a fact that has screwed me out of money in the past, and will continue to do so until i cut all ties with him. i just don't care anymore. i've acted like it was all good, and that it didn't really bother me, but it all does. i've pretended too long. fuck you guys for that. FUCK YOU. fuck anyone i know who has looted money from me, borrowed money, goods, or services and never paid me back, intentionally or unintentionally. fuck everyone, is basically what it comes too. i'm fucking sick of it, but it doesn't even matter anyways.

in the end, i just can't bring myself to care. i don't connect with anyone else. i expect everyone to screw me over because i do my best not to screw people over. everyone else in the world seems to be all fucked up in the head. it always leads me to think "how is everyone else wrong, and i am right?" wouldn't thinking differently than everyone else make me wrong? i'm sick of always thinking i'm wrong. i'm right. all of you and your backwards ass thinking are wrong. i'm shouldn't have to have no beliefs because everyone elses beliefs are different from mine. i shouldn't have to defend my beliefs against outright stupidity. i refuse too. all you morons out there need to get a clue and wake up to the real world. stop being irrational and illogical, it is destructive. you may think it makes you feel better, but you are killing the world with every stupid decision you make and try to ignore. you are killing the world everytime you try to solve your problems by stealing from someone else.

where is my fucking desert island, i wish i could find somewhere i could be alone and no one could bother me some times.

i can't do that though, you know why? without other people, i am a bitter, empty shell of a human being. i care deeply for all my friends. i am willing to get screwed by them, repeatedly, because they are my friends. all i can do is provide an example, soldier on and hope that they wake up and stop screwing me over. a lot of people are probably going to be really mad when the read this, and i'd like to tell you all that i'm completely beyond the point of caring about that either. my thought is mine alone now. i'm sick of trying to cover up my feelings for the sake of your peace of mind. walk all over me if you want. i'll even let you. but i'm not going to smile anymore while you are doing it. i'm not going to change. nothing has to be different unless you make it different. i'm not forgiving anyone here, but i'm telling you that i don't care. its not worth it to me to care, i can't bring myself to do it. i don't care about all the money, i can work for more. i care about the people i know, its just painful to watch what they do to themselves.

the thing is, they are losses i'm willing to take. thats the weird thing. if i could do it all over, sure i wouldn't make all the same choices, but i would have done pretty much the same things. i would have just protected myself a little better against the eventual outcome i knew was going to happen, but couldn't admit to myself. if it helps people see for themselves, then it is worth it. i didn't have to resort to looting myself, which is worth it to me.

if you've read this far, and gotten to this paragraph, and are still feeling uppity because you are clinging to your own self-rightous bullshit reasoning, think to yourself. have i said anything you didn't already know anyways? has there ever been a doubt in your mind that this is actually the way i think. does it surprise you in the slightest that i think that people are predominantly stupid. can you disagree with me?

fuck it all. i hate being bitter, but sometimes you need to let it all out. i'm not immaculate in the slightest. i'm still human. i've changed more in the last year than i have in my entire life. i am pissed at myself for staying long enough at a job i hated that i let it turn me into everything i hated. but now i know. i wasted 2 and half years. i did damage to my character that i'll never be able to reverse. i can only try to live every day from now on like it never happened, like i want my life too be.

i don't want the sum outcome of this blog to be bitter. i want it to be empowering. its not a bitter blog. sure it has bitter aspects, but in the end they aren't worth dwelling on, because i'm past them. they are necessary to explain my current mind set. the purpose behind this blog is for me to say its all been worth it to me, because i still have hope that someday i won't have to be bitter because people won't be stupid. then we can all be happy. this is probably the most meaningful thing i have said in my life.

frivved up by Ben at 1:08 PM