Tuesday, March 09, 2004
there is nothing to say because there is nothing to tell it too. who is my audience? who could possibly read and or understand whatever i have to say. i am societies definition of failure. i am everything everyone tries not to be. i'm a drop-out, a scumbag, a junkie, everything parents warn their kids about. Better study, or you'll fail out. Better not drink, you'll lose control. Better not do drugs, they'll ruin your life. Better work hard, or you'll end up as a burn-out pizza delivery guy. people see me, and they see failure. but people talk to me, people are around me, and they see i'm happy, i'm genuinely cheerful, i engage in whatever conversation they fling towards me and understand what they are saying. i'm all these things, and i'm utterly indifferent to who they are and what they think about me. the see me as a failure, someone they have a leg up on. finally, someone below them on the social ladder, and a nice kid to boot. someone they can take under their wing, say nice soothing words too and get a look of pure, innocent gratification in return. someone they are better than so they can show how benevolent they are after all their successes. then they realize that i am their vision of failure, and i am ultimately better off than they are. their knowing smiles and attempts at conversation are shrugged off with a quick witty comment and a goofy grin, and i'm gone, leaving them thinking "i wish i could be more like that guy." but still, i am their vision of failure.
truth is, i'm making money. i have a nice car i'm going to have paid off in full by the end of the year. i'm opening a roth IRA this month with my maximum yearly contribution. i have no credit card debt and all my student loans are paid off. i am not rich by any means, but i consider myself a financial success. i am in the positive in a world full of debt. how in the world could i consider myself a failure? everything around me tells me i'm doing something wrong. i have no degree, a crappy job with no future, i do drugs, i stay out late at night like a hooligan, i gamble with my friends, i don't vote, i don't go to church, i watch violent movies, i play violent video games, i swear, i have no legal software on my computer, i download music illegally, i cheat on my taxes, i am immoral, unpatriotic, and have no respect for the laws that govern us all. i am scumbag, societies vision of failure
but i am better off than all of them. i am happy. i love my job. my bank account is building, and when i retire i'll have a few million to do something with if i stay on the course i am now. thats right, if i delivered pizzas for the rest of my life, i would retire with a few million dollars just out of my retirement account, to say nothing of the fact that i make about twice as much as i spend every damn month. do i think i'll be delivering pizzas for the rest of my life? no. do i think i'll be delivering pizzas when i'm 25? no. i'll be doing something else, just as successfully and making more money. i will keep leapfrogging up the ladder by being a complete and utter failure.
so who is right? are they right? are all the morons and the assholes right? they say i am immoral. i say i live by my own code of ethics. one thing i have been focusing on the past few years is doing what i think is right, even if it is harder than lying, or cheating, or stealing. i still do all these things, but who do i steal from? is cheating on my taxes stealing? where does that money go. am i stealing, or am i merely protecting myself from being stolen from. i disagree with a lot of things society has to say, so i disregard them. laws have a purpose, but the purpose has been lost. i try to live my life following the laws as they should be, not as they are because i do not agree with them as they are. i am living my life the way i think is right, and i'm flourishing without screwing other people over. so who is right? i consider myself a moral person, and i consider myself to be a person with integrity. but people are afraid of integrity because they don't like to be reminded that they lack it.
i simply can't admit that i am doing things wrong. i can't admit that i am a failure, and if i am, i have no interest in succeeding.
this is why i don't blog anymore. who cares? everything i say is going to be misconstrued anyways. it will be twisted around until even i think it is blasphemous and wrong. i'm done with that. fuck it. i don't care what all the morons think about what i have to say. it isn't even worth my time to say it anymore. thats the sad truth. i used to think that there were enough good people in the world to combat the forces of stupidity. i no longer believe this. i am trying my best to remove myself from the world and surround myself with things that fit into my own ideal of what the world should be. it is disheartening, because i find myself alone most of the time. i think that deep down, there are a lot of people out there who think like me, but who suppress themselves just to be functional members of society. there is hope. eventually something will happen. people will actually start thinking again. they will realize what is going on, and rebel against stupidity. either that, or the world will be destroyed by the stupid. honestly, to me, either outcome is acceptable. if people are actually as stupid as i am led to think they are, we deserve to be destroyed. life is short anyways.
it won't happen though. things can't be stupid for ever. even if i am alone, i'll always know that something better is possible, and it is very easy to obtain if they really want it. i will be living proof to myself, and in the end its all the proof i need. my ideal is alive as long as i am living it
truth is, i'm making money. i have a nice car i'm going to have paid off in full by the end of the year. i'm opening a roth IRA this month with my maximum yearly contribution. i have no credit card debt and all my student loans are paid off. i am not rich by any means, but i consider myself a financial success. i am in the positive in a world full of debt. how in the world could i consider myself a failure? everything around me tells me i'm doing something wrong. i have no degree, a crappy job with no future, i do drugs, i stay out late at night like a hooligan, i gamble with my friends, i don't vote, i don't go to church, i watch violent movies, i play violent video games, i swear, i have no legal software on my computer, i download music illegally, i cheat on my taxes, i am immoral, unpatriotic, and have no respect for the laws that govern us all. i am scumbag, societies vision of failure
but i am better off than all of them. i am happy. i love my job. my bank account is building, and when i retire i'll have a few million to do something with if i stay on the course i am now. thats right, if i delivered pizzas for the rest of my life, i would retire with a few million dollars just out of my retirement account, to say nothing of the fact that i make about twice as much as i spend every damn month. do i think i'll be delivering pizzas for the rest of my life? no. do i think i'll be delivering pizzas when i'm 25? no. i'll be doing something else, just as successfully and making more money. i will keep leapfrogging up the ladder by being a complete and utter failure.
so who is right? are they right? are all the morons and the assholes right? they say i am immoral. i say i live by my own code of ethics. one thing i have been focusing on the past few years is doing what i think is right, even if it is harder than lying, or cheating, or stealing. i still do all these things, but who do i steal from? is cheating on my taxes stealing? where does that money go. am i stealing, or am i merely protecting myself from being stolen from. i disagree with a lot of things society has to say, so i disregard them. laws have a purpose, but the purpose has been lost. i try to live my life following the laws as they should be, not as they are because i do not agree with them as they are. i am living my life the way i think is right, and i'm flourishing without screwing other people over. so who is right? i consider myself a moral person, and i consider myself to be a person with integrity. but people are afraid of integrity because they don't like to be reminded that they lack it.
i simply can't admit that i am doing things wrong. i can't admit that i am a failure, and if i am, i have no interest in succeeding.
this is why i don't blog anymore. who cares? everything i say is going to be misconstrued anyways. it will be twisted around until even i think it is blasphemous and wrong. i'm done with that. fuck it. i don't care what all the morons think about what i have to say. it isn't even worth my time to say it anymore. thats the sad truth. i used to think that there were enough good people in the world to combat the forces of stupidity. i no longer believe this. i am trying my best to remove myself from the world and surround myself with things that fit into my own ideal of what the world should be. it is disheartening, because i find myself alone most of the time. i think that deep down, there are a lot of people out there who think like me, but who suppress themselves just to be functional members of society. there is hope. eventually something will happen. people will actually start thinking again. they will realize what is going on, and rebel against stupidity. either that, or the world will be destroyed by the stupid. honestly, to me, either outcome is acceptable. if people are actually as stupid as i am led to think they are, we deserve to be destroyed. life is short anyways.
it won't happen though. things can't be stupid for ever. even if i am alone, i'll always know that something better is possible, and it is very easy to obtain if they really want it. i will be living proof to myself, and in the end its all the proof i need. my ideal is alive as long as i am living it
