Saturday, September 25, 2004
i just realized something. now that i have a new domain, no one knows how to get here. i can really say anything i want again. this is private, i don't have any audience to entertain, no one to impress. i can commit cardinal blogging sins like talking about my blog. you know what my favorite part about blogging is? when i started things out, i would never edit my posts. at the very beginning, i wouldn't even let myself go back and correct spelling or grammar. i grew out of that, so now there is a few minutes after i post every post where it is up in raw form. usually there are a few things i go back and tidy up because i don't want to give off the wrong impression. i always like to think that there is someone watching, who gets to read the blog in those few minutes and see what i really meant before i edit it, and then they reload later and paragraph shifts to the way everyone else sees it.
but yeah, what do i really want to say? i don't like people. i don't want to be around the people i know. if i had my choice, i would be alone all day. there isn't anyone i really trust enough to have a conversation. this can't be everyone elses fault. this is a clear-cut case of my fault. everything i would talk about seems so pointless. i've simplified too much? i can't talk if i'm not complaining? i'm really starting to believe that all of my conversation skills revolve around the negative. how did i let this happen? if i'm not blowing it, its hard to talk to other people because usually they are.
shit. realization time. my mind just had a rush of memories stretching back to when i first started school. i have always sabotaged myself just to look normal. i started getting bad grades when i started trying to get bad grades because i felt bad. i tried to get in trouble in second grade but my teacher wouldn't let me. i started getting things wrong on tests because people kept asking me what grade i got and i felt awkward saying 100. i started failing to fit in at a young young age, no wonder i can't break out of the habit. i screw things up on purpose just so i can have something to talk about with other people. i still do it. and if i don't screw up, i lie about it and say things are worse than they are so i can hold a conversation. this isn't a new thing at all, i've been doing it all my life. i am actually scared of success because it makes me different from everyone else. at the same time, i'm scared of being the same as everyone else because it will doom me to their failure. i can trace so much of my idiot self back to these two freaking concepts. these two totally misguided, self-perpetuating, conflicting ideas make no sense, but they've been central in my development. when did these two fracture and mutate? why am i constantly trying to fix myself? because i am constantly breaking myself on purpose so i can complain about it to other people. my successes make me the individual i want to be. i shouldn't hide them. i don't need to flaunt them, but purposefully keeping them out of sight and then lying about them is backwards thinking.
but yeah, what do i really want to say? i don't like people. i don't want to be around the people i know. if i had my choice, i would be alone all day. there isn't anyone i really trust enough to have a conversation. this can't be everyone elses fault. this is a clear-cut case of my fault. everything i would talk about seems so pointless. i've simplified too much? i can't talk if i'm not complaining? i'm really starting to believe that all of my conversation skills revolve around the negative. how did i let this happen? if i'm not blowing it, its hard to talk to other people because usually they are.
shit. realization time. my mind just had a rush of memories stretching back to when i first started school. i have always sabotaged myself just to look normal. i started getting bad grades when i started trying to get bad grades because i felt bad. i tried to get in trouble in second grade but my teacher wouldn't let me. i started getting things wrong on tests because people kept asking me what grade i got and i felt awkward saying 100. i started failing to fit in at a young young age, no wonder i can't break out of the habit. i screw things up on purpose just so i can have something to talk about with other people. i still do it. and if i don't screw up, i lie about it and say things are worse than they are so i can hold a conversation. this isn't a new thing at all, i've been doing it all my life. i am actually scared of success because it makes me different from everyone else. at the same time, i'm scared of being the same as everyone else because it will doom me to their failure. i can trace so much of my idiot self back to these two freaking concepts. these two totally misguided, self-perpetuating, conflicting ideas make no sense, but they've been central in my development. when did these two fracture and mutate? why am i constantly trying to fix myself? because i am constantly breaking myself on purpose so i can complain about it to other people. my successes make me the individual i want to be. i shouldn't hide them. i don't need to flaunt them, but purposefully keeping them out of sight and then lying about them is backwards thinking.
