Monday, September 13, 2004
questions, questions that need answers. questions that need to be asked before the can be answered.
where am i going? what do i want to be when i get there? how do i get there?
standard nonsense that all leads to the same 'who am i?'
i am talented, but not extraordinary. my search for my own excellence has thus far has resulted in a long list of above average results. this is good, but misleading. i am adaptable, multi-talented, but in the end limited by myself. ultimately, i am only limited by my need for excellence. my demands upon myself to find that one thing that i truely excel at, and my inability to put forth the necessary effort to be the best. why? why do i saddle myself with this responsibility, and constantly undermine my own abilities. truth is, i won't always succeed. i can't always be the best. in fact, i can never be the best. there is no such thing as the best. by expecting perfection, i set myself up for failure every time.
but i don't fail. success happens when i work for it. i don't even have to work very hard because my mind works quickly. am i afraid of success because i will lose the struggle towards it? am i afraid of success because i can't admit to myself that it truely exists? do i really like complaining that much? maybe i do, but i hope not.
i am vain, but accomplishments mean nothing if you ignore what needs to be done in the present. i am hopeful for the future, but future success will never happen if i ignore the present. but ignoring the past and the future will leave me stuck in a single moment when time is endless. balance... finding the natural rhythm of ups and downs that will constantly propel me forward. i assume something wrong when things are going right because it feels like nothing is happening. my past history of worshipping lazyness suddenly makes perfect sense in a way i could never explain to myself. true justified lazyness is the result of consistant success. it is the result of a mental efficiency that has categorized, solved, and summarily dismissed any problem that springs up before it even does. a problem that already has a solution isn't even a problem. it doesn't require much attention, just acknowledgement as it passes. my mind requires activity, so i complain. i create problems so i can solve them. it is a waste of my time. i should not be wasting my time on fictional problems. i should be spending my time progressing forward. this is how i get where i am going.
i am fluid. i am water. my mind should adjust to whatever problem it is dealing with. there is no one thing i need to be. waves do not freeze when they crest, they flow back into themselves. the splash is impressive, but insignificant in comparison to the whole of the ocean. they are just a ripple, a side effect of the constant movement. a single moment of excellence is not something i can force. the more you try to force water to do what you want, the more energy you waste. the best results come from the simplest solutions. a simple nudge to redirect the flow of water can have a powerful impact. one time when i was maybe maybe 15, maybe younger, i went camping on a river. we had innertubes, and we spent most of our time floating around, using the current to race around. at first, we tried kicking to gain speed and get further downstream. of course, we tired ourselves out really fast. slowly, we found the easiest way down river by following the currents that were already there. we would kick slowly at certain points to guide us towards the parts we knew would take us effortlessly. but eventually, i got bored of this. it started with a bridge. i wanted to get from one side of the river to the other without having to paddle across. the current would always take to places i didn't want to go. the bridge worked, i could walk across, but i missed being in the flow of the water. then part of the bridge collapsed. the bridge was redirecting the water. a new current had been created. i spent the rest of the day modifying my bridge, and eventually my new current turned into one of the fastest sections of the entire journey downriver. there are simple solutions that require unnecessary amounts of effort. there are easy solutions that circumvent a portion of the problem, leaving the rest erode the solution-patch over time. real solutions are built with over time with efficient redirection of the forces behind the problem. who do i want to be? i want to be fluid. i want to be water. i want to be able to surrender myself to the flow of my life with confidence that i will be able to react to whatever is ahead of me.
what is ahead of me? i don't know yet. i can guess. i can prepare. i can convince myself that anything is true in the future. i have to be able to adapt. i can't cling to my stupid notions of myself. i have to be able to recognize my problems and react to them with confidence and without any assurance that they will be solved in a timely matter, if at all. there is no wasted effort. even an attempt at a solution that leaves me deeper in the problem is a learning experience that will ultimately leave me closer to a solution. every problem has a solution on an infinite timescale. i don't have an infinite timescale, but what will my problems in life mean when i am dead? nothing. it will be an entirely new set of circumstances, a new set of rules that will render my old problems obsolete. a new set of solutions that i am confident i will find. i am proof to myself that solutions do exist. i can see the progress i have made. i don't need to fear what i can't see, i just need to balance myself so whatever comes up will flow around me, or through me, or wherever it needs to. if anything, i should be excited about the unknown. a simple nudge is all i usually need to head myself in the right direction.
where am i going? what do i want to be when i get there? how do i get there?
standard nonsense that all leads to the same 'who am i?'
i am talented, but not extraordinary. my search for my own excellence has thus far has resulted in a long list of above average results. this is good, but misleading. i am adaptable, multi-talented, but in the end limited by myself. ultimately, i am only limited by my need for excellence. my demands upon myself to find that one thing that i truely excel at, and my inability to put forth the necessary effort to be the best. why? why do i saddle myself with this responsibility, and constantly undermine my own abilities. truth is, i won't always succeed. i can't always be the best. in fact, i can never be the best. there is no such thing as the best. by expecting perfection, i set myself up for failure every time.
but i don't fail. success happens when i work for it. i don't even have to work very hard because my mind works quickly. am i afraid of success because i will lose the struggle towards it? am i afraid of success because i can't admit to myself that it truely exists? do i really like complaining that much? maybe i do, but i hope not.
i am vain, but accomplishments mean nothing if you ignore what needs to be done in the present. i am hopeful for the future, but future success will never happen if i ignore the present. but ignoring the past and the future will leave me stuck in a single moment when time is endless. balance... finding the natural rhythm of ups and downs that will constantly propel me forward. i assume something wrong when things are going right because it feels like nothing is happening. my past history of worshipping lazyness suddenly makes perfect sense in a way i could never explain to myself. true justified lazyness is the result of consistant success. it is the result of a mental efficiency that has categorized, solved, and summarily dismissed any problem that springs up before it even does. a problem that already has a solution isn't even a problem. it doesn't require much attention, just acknowledgement as it passes. my mind requires activity, so i complain. i create problems so i can solve them. it is a waste of my time. i should not be wasting my time on fictional problems. i should be spending my time progressing forward. this is how i get where i am going.
i am fluid. i am water. my mind should adjust to whatever problem it is dealing with. there is no one thing i need to be. waves do not freeze when they crest, they flow back into themselves. the splash is impressive, but insignificant in comparison to the whole of the ocean. they are just a ripple, a side effect of the constant movement. a single moment of excellence is not something i can force. the more you try to force water to do what you want, the more energy you waste. the best results come from the simplest solutions. a simple nudge to redirect the flow of water can have a powerful impact. one time when i was maybe maybe 15, maybe younger, i went camping on a river. we had innertubes, and we spent most of our time floating around, using the current to race around. at first, we tried kicking to gain speed and get further downstream. of course, we tired ourselves out really fast. slowly, we found the easiest way down river by following the currents that were already there. we would kick slowly at certain points to guide us towards the parts we knew would take us effortlessly. but eventually, i got bored of this. it started with a bridge. i wanted to get from one side of the river to the other without having to paddle across. the current would always take to places i didn't want to go. the bridge worked, i could walk across, but i missed being in the flow of the water. then part of the bridge collapsed. the bridge was redirecting the water. a new current had been created. i spent the rest of the day modifying my bridge, and eventually my new current turned into one of the fastest sections of the entire journey downriver. there are simple solutions that require unnecessary amounts of effort. there are easy solutions that circumvent a portion of the problem, leaving the rest erode the solution-patch over time. real solutions are built with over time with efficient redirection of the forces behind the problem. who do i want to be? i want to be fluid. i want to be water. i want to be able to surrender myself to the flow of my life with confidence that i will be able to react to whatever is ahead of me.
what is ahead of me? i don't know yet. i can guess. i can prepare. i can convince myself that anything is true in the future. i have to be able to adapt. i can't cling to my stupid notions of myself. i have to be able to recognize my problems and react to them with confidence and without any assurance that they will be solved in a timely matter, if at all. there is no wasted effort. even an attempt at a solution that leaves me deeper in the problem is a learning experience that will ultimately leave me closer to a solution. every problem has a solution on an infinite timescale. i don't have an infinite timescale, but what will my problems in life mean when i am dead? nothing. it will be an entirely new set of circumstances, a new set of rules that will render my old problems obsolete. a new set of solutions that i am confident i will find. i am proof to myself that solutions do exist. i can see the progress i have made. i don't need to fear what i can't see, i just need to balance myself so whatever comes up will flow around me, or through me, or wherever it needs to. if anything, i should be excited about the unknown. a simple nudge is all i usually need to head myself in the right direction.
