Tuesday, November 23, 2004
all that nonsense and i still didn't answer my own question. so back to what i really hoped to figure out. why am i scared of people? this is where i brainstorm, hoping to hit on something. what makes me so nervous when i am around people. i have nothing to say to people. why? i don't feel like i connect to people. why? i don't try to connect to people. why? i am ashamed of who i am? what am i ashamed of. i am ashamed of my decision making. which decisions? the ones i should have made but ignored until they were decided for me, usually with bad results. why did i do this? why did i freak out and ignore these decisions? i was afraid of making the wrong decision.
there, i think that is what i was looking for. i am afraid of making the wrong decision. i am afraid of letting people see me when i screw up. i am afraid of trying to articulate to people, to rationalize, to explain because it leaves my convictions open to attack. i don't believe enough in my convictions to try and defend them. i don't know what is important to me. i have spent so much time trying to figure out what is important to other people that when i do, it doesn't register because i don't know what is important to me.
i am afraid of deciding what is important to me and what my opinions are because they might cause conflict.
i am afraid of conflict. i am afraid of the stupid little kid who used to argue things into the ground at recess for no apparent reason. the kid who would scream at the top of his lungs defending a rule he had misinterpreted in the first place. or the rule he had created in his mind that made so much sense that it had to be a rule, and thus became real. i'm afraid of being wrong.
i am indecisive because you can't be wrong if you don't make a decision in the first place.
i am afraid of expressing my opinions because i am afraid other people with think i am wrong and argue with me.
if i am never wrong, there is no conflict. if i am never wrong, there is no conversation.
so. what do i need to do about this. i need to be decisive. i need to express opinions i have and defend them, or be proved wrong. either way, i have to be happy with the fact that i have learned something from the process, and have further refined my opinion. that is what i need to do. i need to start figuring out what i believe. i need to get off this stupid excuse filled, psuedo-nihilist, pretentious obsession with being right. i don't need the 4.0. the 4.0 is an unrealistic impossibility. perfection is not obtainable. i will fail. i will be wrong. but i am not a failure. i am an intelligent, rational person. i won't always be right, but if i concentrate most of the time i will be. all of the time i have the potential to be. if i never commit to anything, i can never be right, no matter how much i try to justify how right the nothingness is.
phew. stage one complete. i need to focus on this. this is important. this is my life. i do not want to spend the rest of it alone. i need to solve this problem. that helped. i tried to be honest with myself. i will check back tomorrow and re-evaluate.
there, i think that is what i was looking for. i am afraid of making the wrong decision. i am afraid of letting people see me when i screw up. i am afraid of trying to articulate to people, to rationalize, to explain because it leaves my convictions open to attack. i don't believe enough in my convictions to try and defend them. i don't know what is important to me. i have spent so much time trying to figure out what is important to other people that when i do, it doesn't register because i don't know what is important to me.
i am afraid of deciding what is important to me and what my opinions are because they might cause conflict.
i am afraid of conflict. i am afraid of the stupid little kid who used to argue things into the ground at recess for no apparent reason. the kid who would scream at the top of his lungs defending a rule he had misinterpreted in the first place. or the rule he had created in his mind that made so much sense that it had to be a rule, and thus became real. i'm afraid of being wrong.
i am indecisive because you can't be wrong if you don't make a decision in the first place.
i am afraid of expressing my opinions because i am afraid other people with think i am wrong and argue with me.
if i am never wrong, there is no conflict. if i am never wrong, there is no conversation.
so. what do i need to do about this. i need to be decisive. i need to express opinions i have and defend them, or be proved wrong. either way, i have to be happy with the fact that i have learned something from the process, and have further refined my opinion. that is what i need to do. i need to start figuring out what i believe. i need to get off this stupid excuse filled, psuedo-nihilist, pretentious obsession with being right. i don't need the 4.0. the 4.0 is an unrealistic impossibility. perfection is not obtainable. i will fail. i will be wrong. but i am not a failure. i am an intelligent, rational person. i won't always be right, but if i concentrate most of the time i will be. all of the time i have the potential to be. if i never commit to anything, i can never be right, no matter how much i try to justify how right the nothingness is.
phew. stage one complete. i need to focus on this. this is important. this is my life. i do not want to spend the rest of it alone. i need to solve this problem. that helped. i tried to be honest with myself. i will check back tomorrow and re-evaluate.
