Monday, November 22, 2004
somehow i need to find a peace with other people. i lump people into two categories: me and everyone else, or more importantly, people who see in my head, and people who don't. when i think of everyone else, all i get is this paranoid sense of disproval, paranoia on my end, not their end. i don't see people like me, i see people who want me to be like them. which is probably true, but it is stupid of me, because it leaves me sitting here wishing everyone was more like me, which they aren't and never will be. the fact that i don't like other people leads me to believe that it is my problem, since they are just being the way they are, just like i am.
so why am i so much more comfortable when i am alone? most people seem to have a strong need for human interaction. people need to be around other people. i figured for a long time that because people need people, i needed to be around other people too. so i drank, i drank a lot, because drinking made me feel like everyone understood, and made me feel close to people i didn't know, and allowed me to carry on conversations like a normal person. but really, was any of that true? everyone understood because all i could talk about was how drunk i was, and everyone felt close to me and understood because they were drunk. still, with time, even when i was drunk, i still didn't want to talk to people, because drunk people are even bigger idiots than normal people, so i drank more, and more, and more, until i was the drunkest, and therefore the biggest idiot of them all, which my drunk mind rationalized into success.
i don't like the person i turn into when i'm drunk. sure, i like him better than the other drunk morons, but i don't like him better than who i am without the alcohol. i just don't like drinking anymore. it seems pointless. it is harmful. it leads to pain the next morning and deterioration long term, and it no longer has the upside to justify the pain. pain isn't a problem, the internal embarassment of causing myself unjustified and completely avoidable pain for a night of drinking with people that i don't know, or don't care about, or simply don't want to be around is the true problem. especially since i didn't even want to be around people in the first place. it seems like this entire cycle could have been avoided in the first place if i just stayed home like i wanted too.
so i don't really drink anymore. when i do, i either drink in such moderation that it is more of a gesture to those around me, or i drink in such excess that it completely erases things from my memory. strangely enough, i have never minded forgetting things entirely. if anything, it amuses me. piecing together the bits of my night is like reading a story for the first time, with me as the main character. the dumb stuff usually slips through the cracks anyways, it seems like such a workable solution. but it is so bad for you. i don't drink like that except for certain occasions that i have historically enjoyed. but this year, halloween was stupid, mostly because it was just the same people i don't want to be around. there were probably people i wanted to be around there, but i was so annoyed at myself for being there that i didn't talk to anyone i didn't know, and resigned to drinking. and drinking. and drinking more. i would have been so much better off staying home.
why do people have this need for other people? did i never have it, or have i just given up on the idea. what is the need for? understanding? belonging? physical closeness? a way to kill time? justification of their existance? to solve their problems for them? what is it? i just don't understand what people get from other people that makes them think that they need to be around eachother. i am forced to be around people every time i work, people i like even, and sometimes it is too much for me. i finish my shift in silence, dreaming of getting home and having there be no one there needing me for whatever reason.
i don't like people, i don't trust people, i see other people as a vehicle for causing me problems. i guess i don't trust people to take care of themselves. people don't know what they want. if someone legitimately needs help, help that i can provide, i don't really mind doing it. but why do people always need all this help for such stupid things? i don't need help. i solve my own problems. i focus on what is necessary, then worry about what i want when i am actually in a position to get it so i don't cause myself problems in the first place. it seems like too many people turn their wants into needs, then focus their undivided, single-minded attetion onto getting it at the expense of the people around them. so i don't want to be one of the people around them. i don't want to help people be idiots anymore. i don't want to help people dig themselves into holes they can't get themselves out of just to be pulled in aftewards. i just want to be alone, because i can't give people the nothing they are rabidly hunting for.
i'm not being fair though. not all people are idiots. some people deserve my help. some people i probably do want to be around. but when i am happy alone, comfortable alone, dare i say it more successful alone, why would i want to expend the effort to find these people? why is it such a bad thing to be alone? how can people live without it? to me, peoples need for other people is just another entry in their long list of misplaced priorities. sure we want to be around other people, but it isn't necessary. you won't die if you are alone for a few hours. it might actually be helpful. start weaning yourself off the teat that a collective humanity might provide you and start helping yourself. i guess that is what i learned today. if i need something, no one else besides me can get it for me.
so why am i so much more comfortable when i am alone? most people seem to have a strong need for human interaction. people need to be around other people. i figured for a long time that because people need people, i needed to be around other people too. so i drank, i drank a lot, because drinking made me feel like everyone understood, and made me feel close to people i didn't know, and allowed me to carry on conversations like a normal person. but really, was any of that true? everyone understood because all i could talk about was how drunk i was, and everyone felt close to me and understood because they were drunk. still, with time, even when i was drunk, i still didn't want to talk to people, because drunk people are even bigger idiots than normal people, so i drank more, and more, and more, until i was the drunkest, and therefore the biggest idiot of them all, which my drunk mind rationalized into success.
i don't like the person i turn into when i'm drunk. sure, i like him better than the other drunk morons, but i don't like him better than who i am without the alcohol. i just don't like drinking anymore. it seems pointless. it is harmful. it leads to pain the next morning and deterioration long term, and it no longer has the upside to justify the pain. pain isn't a problem, the internal embarassment of causing myself unjustified and completely avoidable pain for a night of drinking with people that i don't know, or don't care about, or simply don't want to be around is the true problem. especially since i didn't even want to be around people in the first place. it seems like this entire cycle could have been avoided in the first place if i just stayed home like i wanted too.
so i don't really drink anymore. when i do, i either drink in such moderation that it is more of a gesture to those around me, or i drink in such excess that it completely erases things from my memory. strangely enough, i have never minded forgetting things entirely. if anything, it amuses me. piecing together the bits of my night is like reading a story for the first time, with me as the main character. the dumb stuff usually slips through the cracks anyways, it seems like such a workable solution. but it is so bad for you. i don't drink like that except for certain occasions that i have historically enjoyed. but this year, halloween was stupid, mostly because it was just the same people i don't want to be around. there were probably people i wanted to be around there, but i was so annoyed at myself for being there that i didn't talk to anyone i didn't know, and resigned to drinking. and drinking. and drinking more. i would have been so much better off staying home.
why do people have this need for other people? did i never have it, or have i just given up on the idea. what is the need for? understanding? belonging? physical closeness? a way to kill time? justification of their existance? to solve their problems for them? what is it? i just don't understand what people get from other people that makes them think that they need to be around eachother. i am forced to be around people every time i work, people i like even, and sometimes it is too much for me. i finish my shift in silence, dreaming of getting home and having there be no one there needing me for whatever reason.
i don't like people, i don't trust people, i see other people as a vehicle for causing me problems. i guess i don't trust people to take care of themselves. people don't know what they want. if someone legitimately needs help, help that i can provide, i don't really mind doing it. but why do people always need all this help for such stupid things? i don't need help. i solve my own problems. i focus on what is necessary, then worry about what i want when i am actually in a position to get it so i don't cause myself problems in the first place. it seems like too many people turn their wants into needs, then focus their undivided, single-minded attetion onto getting it at the expense of the people around them. so i don't want to be one of the people around them. i don't want to help people be idiots anymore. i don't want to help people dig themselves into holes they can't get themselves out of just to be pulled in aftewards. i just want to be alone, because i can't give people the nothing they are rabidly hunting for.
i'm not being fair though. not all people are idiots. some people deserve my help. some people i probably do want to be around. but when i am happy alone, comfortable alone, dare i say it more successful alone, why would i want to expend the effort to find these people? why is it such a bad thing to be alone? how can people live without it? to me, peoples need for other people is just another entry in their long list of misplaced priorities. sure we want to be around other people, but it isn't necessary. you won't die if you are alone for a few hours. it might actually be helpful. start weaning yourself off the teat that a collective humanity might provide you and start helping yourself. i guess that is what i learned today. if i need something, no one else besides me can get it for me.
