Saturday, December 18, 2004
it is all a product of my mental weaknesses. i am not strong enough to hold myself together. i know how to fix it though. that has been an important point in holding myself together, is that i know how to fix it. after i finish this book to make sure i don't screw everything up. i feel like i am a strong person. my mind is dwarfing my soul, i just don't know how to control it. i'm like a bad driver with a race car, all i can do now is point it in the right direction and hope i don't crash.
there is no quick fix. months and years are no longer unfathomable stretches of time. i can set goals for mental discipline that span years if i want. really, what else do i have to do? i could sit here with my mind jumping around every 10 seconds like i do now and call it functional, but its really not. i can convince everyone else that everything is hunkydory, but i know its not true. but i can't change who i am, and if i could i wouldn't want too. because as fractured as my mind my seen at some points, i know its potential. it is overactive, underutilized and generally ignored by me. i need to refocus myself. i've proven to myself that living alone is not enough to keep my mind satisfied. every day life is not the infinite challenge i need to stay energized and alert. in fact, every day life happens even if i'm not paying attention. i am no longer convinced that i will screw everything up if i let my guard down. i've been skating along, calling myself successful. i've been searching without a path. my motives were generally correct, i just didn't have any direction.
that is the crazy thing. i already had the door open. i was sitting in the little room in my head, staring out the open door thinking "if only i could get to the other side of this wall..." i need to teach my mind to crawl through the door before i can frolic in the green fields on the other side. my life has led me here. the mistakes i made weren't made by the person i am right now. they were made by the person i was before i reached this point. what is important is what i do with myself now. i can look at my future with confidence because i know what i need to do, and how to do it. all of my scattered, fractured thoughts are a part of the same me. i just have been too afraid to let go with certain illusions to explore the full implications of who i am. once i can align all of my personalties together and balance them, my apprehensions and insecurities will disappear.
that is what i need to do. focus my mind. pull everyone back together so we are all on the same page. i arbitrarily pick emotions and let a different person inside me take over, because i don't allow my true self to come out and react for itself. my different personalities just represent every possible reaction to every possible scenario. i am so afraid of making the wrong decision, that i pull one out at random, and let him deal with the situation. i can't control the swirling in my head, so i let it control me. but once i can focus everyone together, the different pieces will no longer be necessary, because we can all work in unison towards one common self. me.
there is no quick fix. months and years are no longer unfathomable stretches of time. i can set goals for mental discipline that span years if i want. really, what else do i have to do? i could sit here with my mind jumping around every 10 seconds like i do now and call it functional, but its really not. i can convince everyone else that everything is hunkydory, but i know its not true. but i can't change who i am, and if i could i wouldn't want too. because as fractured as my mind my seen at some points, i know its potential. it is overactive, underutilized and generally ignored by me. i need to refocus myself. i've proven to myself that living alone is not enough to keep my mind satisfied. every day life is not the infinite challenge i need to stay energized and alert. in fact, every day life happens even if i'm not paying attention. i am no longer convinced that i will screw everything up if i let my guard down. i've been skating along, calling myself successful. i've been searching without a path. my motives were generally correct, i just didn't have any direction.
that is the crazy thing. i already had the door open. i was sitting in the little room in my head, staring out the open door thinking "if only i could get to the other side of this wall..." i need to teach my mind to crawl through the door before i can frolic in the green fields on the other side. my life has led me here. the mistakes i made weren't made by the person i am right now. they were made by the person i was before i reached this point. what is important is what i do with myself now. i can look at my future with confidence because i know what i need to do, and how to do it. all of my scattered, fractured thoughts are a part of the same me. i just have been too afraid to let go with certain illusions to explore the full implications of who i am. once i can align all of my personalties together and balance them, my apprehensions and insecurities will disappear.
that is what i need to do. focus my mind. pull everyone back together so we are all on the same page. i arbitrarily pick emotions and let a different person inside me take over, because i don't allow my true self to come out and react for itself. my different personalities just represent every possible reaction to every possible scenario. i am so afraid of making the wrong decision, that i pull one out at random, and let him deal with the situation. i can't control the swirling in my head, so i let it control me. but once i can focus everyone together, the different pieces will no longer be necessary, because we can all work in unison towards one common self. me.
