what have i learned?

i'm crazy. i'm just crazy. borderline schizophrenic. i never know how i'm going to act. i always try to act the same, blank, agreeable, and polite. like a con artist, trying to make a good impression meant to be completely forgotten. i just don't know what is going to happen, sometimes it feels like no response will be better than the unknown response. so i spend my time watching, collecting information so i can try to predict what might happen so i can plan an appropriate response that everyone can agree on. because lets face it, it doesn't work. sometimes i am funny, or interesting, or intelligent, or creepy, but very rarely at the same time, and very rarely is my response appropriate.

trying to figure everything out before it happens isn't worth it. it just doesn't matter. i don't really care anymore. i can't keep my mind focused for the length of a conversation anyways. i retreat and space out. i have control over the fringes of mind, but only what is necessary for appearances. i have to keep track of two trains of thought simultaniously, because acting like a boob in public is nothing compared to what i would miss if i lost my inner reality. it is my real life. it is my spark, my intelligence, my being. my role model. it is what is important to me. without it, i would just be another aimless body, no thoughts, no dreams. unchecked forward momentum towards no goal. a waste.

i'd rather be a waste of a person than a waste of a soul

frivved up by Ben at 1:02 AM