Friday, January 07, 2005
what am i trying to find today?
the path towards controlling myself.
right now, i am out of control. i have been frantically trying to strip away my illusions to find "the real me" or something pretentious like that. what i hadn't counted on was that these illusions were built to keep myself in check. they were put in place to keep my mind under control. so, without them i am a space case. i'm slowly degenerating into chaos. my world right now is mostly gibberish.
i don't have the strength of character to keep myself together without forcing myself into a premade form. right now i need those default emotions, answers and opinions to keep a stranglehold on my mind. getting rid of them has left me lost alone floating in a current i can't swim against. i think i said it before, my mind is more powerful than my will. which makes sense, seeing as i've always used my mind to bail myself out. if i wasn't smart, i'd be living in my parents basement doing nothing but sleep all day. that is where i deserve to be, based on the amount of willpower i've shown up to this point. that is the painful truth. i've never really tried to improve my station. i've thought about it, i've dreamed about it, i've lied and said that i have, but when it comes down too it, i'm unwilling to put forth the effort to help myself. i know this. i have known this for a long time. being smart is enough to scrape me by, kicking and screaming, whining on this blog about my terrible luck.
but i know this. i can't have someone else bail me out. i have to figure this out, or i'll just keep repeating my same old destructive patterns. i have alienated myself from everyone i know in attempt to force myself along. i've made strides towards success. i am headed in the right direction. but i still can't commit fully to myself. i don't know what commitment means.
there is strength inside me. it is there, i have seen it. i know i can call on it. i just need consistancy. i lack the focus and concentration to control myself. i am constantly fighting against myself. i don't know why i'm always struggling like this, why i always turn things into a battle. i need to come to terms with myself. i need peace. i need to figure out exactly parts of me are at odds with eachother.
i need concentration. there are things that have been able to keep my attention, but they have been pretty spotty. school work used too, but inconsistantly. video games used too with surprising consistancy. drawing used too, but only in certain situations due to my limited artistic talents. writing does. writing should. writing is one thing i can sit down and do for a decent period of time. but it is slipping away from me. i have these writing projects started, and progressing nicely. i even know where i want them to go. but i am too scared to devote the effort to letting them progress. they are just sitting there stagnating while i waste all my time sitting here at the computer doing nothing. literally, nothing. i read the same news pages over and over. the same article three times in three different places.
i am always looking for a quick fix to my problems. for some reason i think i am above effort. repetition is the key to unlocking my mind. i need to find consistancy in my thought process. right now i am so jumbled and scattered. i need to pull things together. it is going to be a long process because i have let things get out of hand. there is no quick fix anymore. i need to draw on those things that used to hold my concentration, and figure out how my thought process progresses.
it always starts with some fluke victory. i'll do something right immediately, and think i have some inhuman gift. so i'll continue on without any guidance or plan, trying to recreate it, only i will fail, repeatedly, inconsistantly flashing glimmers of the brilliance i thought i had to begin with.
then it will all come crashing down. i'll blame everything else but myself, the circumstances are flawed, how else could a genius like me be failing. either i'll quit now, and move on to something else leaving that potential untapped, or i will get frustrated and try to force it. i will push and push and push, flailing my way into a scattered pattern of success, which ends up being more frustrating because i can never recreate it when i want too.
either i quit and move on, or i start over from scratch. this is usually the end of it, because the thought of starting over is unbearable, wasting all that 'effort'. what i need to do is approach the problem from a more subdued state of mind, looking for logical solutions. start at the beginning, complete the first step. then do it again, and again, until it is automatic. repetition. then move on.
eventually, i'll string everything together, and have some modest successes. it is too easy to call it finished, and move on. being able to do something consistantly is only the launching pad for real success. this is where the fun part starts, where you can truely experiment and refine your abilities. it is rediculous when i quit after one modest success and move on. that shouldn't be the way i am. that isn't the way i want to be. i enjoy myself so much when i can focus on doing something i know how to do better.
i should never quit. that is the crux of my problems. i shut myself down before i have the chance to succeed. i call it good so i can enjoy the fruits of my labor. then things stagnate and die, and i'm left where i started again trying to figure out what went wrong.
so how do i apply this towards concentration? i need to go back to things i know will help. i need to spend time every day focusing on something. on a variety of things that will keep my mind sharp, and help me regain the control over myself i deserve.
to do list:
pull down my old calculus text. that damn calculus class is the reason my gpa dropped and i flunked out of college. it isn't that i couldn't learn, i just refused too. i make up all these excuses, but i never put forth the effort to actually learn, and multivariable calculus isn't something i could skate by like singlevariable was. i need to start on chapter one. i need to do every problem in the book. repetition. i don't have a timeline here, its not like i have to do 60 problems by tomorrow. i can work at my own pace, and make sure i understand when i move on. taming the math beast.
write. i need to spend time writing every day on multiple writing projects. not a lot of time, just a few minutes where i get text on a page. i need to get back into the rhythm of writing, and get used to putting words down even if they don't satisfy me at the time. nothing will be perfect the first time through. hopefully this will evolve into something to keep me occupied. right now it does keep me occupied, but only on the theoretical aspects of these stories i'm creating. they only exist in my head unless i let them out.
video games. i need to spend some time every day as a release playing some game. i need to concentrate on getting better while i'm playing. i can't just go through the motions and just play, i need to actually progress my abilities. i think that is why i am so bored with video games, i never really have to try. i just play without any real goals, so win or lose, the outcome is the same. i use my current abilities to goof my way through things, beating the computer that was designed to keep idiots interested. i'm better than that, i need to hone my skills again and dominate these games.
drawing. i have this idea i still want to pull off for the wall in my room. i need a giant sheet of graph paper to do it. i need to get this giant sheet of paper, and start. drawing is honestly not the highest priority, but this is definitely the easiest goal to accomplish.
exercise/meditation. i need to start up some sort of routine to keep myself in shape mentally and physically. right now i do nothing in the way of exercise, and i feel like i'm in shape. i'm probably not, but i don't feel flawed enough to worry, which i guess is a good thing. my body is a mystery to me, but it deserves more attention if i'm going to start doing stupid things like studying calculus again on my own.
am i going to do these things? not immediately. maybe i should call this my resolution list for the next year. that gives me plenty of time to approach them without overwhelming myself. the last thing i want to do is to send myself back into hiding. although, back is really a misleading term. i'm already in hiding. i guess i should say further into hiding. but if i can start doing a few of these things immediately, its a start.
it is mostly important to have this down to refer back too, so i can say "HAW! see, you are an idiot, and here are ways to improve yourself." no more excuses. small steps in the right direction....
the path towards controlling myself.
right now, i am out of control. i have been frantically trying to strip away my illusions to find "the real me" or something pretentious like that. what i hadn't counted on was that these illusions were built to keep myself in check. they were put in place to keep my mind under control. so, without them i am a space case. i'm slowly degenerating into chaos. my world right now is mostly gibberish.
i don't have the strength of character to keep myself together without forcing myself into a premade form. right now i need those default emotions, answers and opinions to keep a stranglehold on my mind. getting rid of them has left me lost alone floating in a current i can't swim against. i think i said it before, my mind is more powerful than my will. which makes sense, seeing as i've always used my mind to bail myself out. if i wasn't smart, i'd be living in my parents basement doing nothing but sleep all day. that is where i deserve to be, based on the amount of willpower i've shown up to this point. that is the painful truth. i've never really tried to improve my station. i've thought about it, i've dreamed about it, i've lied and said that i have, but when it comes down too it, i'm unwilling to put forth the effort to help myself. i know this. i have known this for a long time. being smart is enough to scrape me by, kicking and screaming, whining on this blog about my terrible luck.
but i know this. i can't have someone else bail me out. i have to figure this out, or i'll just keep repeating my same old destructive patterns. i have alienated myself from everyone i know in attempt to force myself along. i've made strides towards success. i am headed in the right direction. but i still can't commit fully to myself. i don't know what commitment means.
there is strength inside me. it is there, i have seen it. i know i can call on it. i just need consistancy. i lack the focus and concentration to control myself. i am constantly fighting against myself. i don't know why i'm always struggling like this, why i always turn things into a battle. i need to come to terms with myself. i need peace. i need to figure out exactly parts of me are at odds with eachother.
i need concentration. there are things that have been able to keep my attention, but they have been pretty spotty. school work used too, but inconsistantly. video games used too with surprising consistancy. drawing used too, but only in certain situations due to my limited artistic talents. writing does. writing should. writing is one thing i can sit down and do for a decent period of time. but it is slipping away from me. i have these writing projects started, and progressing nicely. i even know where i want them to go. but i am too scared to devote the effort to letting them progress. they are just sitting there stagnating while i waste all my time sitting here at the computer doing nothing. literally, nothing. i read the same news pages over and over. the same article three times in three different places.
i am always looking for a quick fix to my problems. for some reason i think i am above effort. repetition is the key to unlocking my mind. i need to find consistancy in my thought process. right now i am so jumbled and scattered. i need to pull things together. it is going to be a long process because i have let things get out of hand. there is no quick fix anymore. i need to draw on those things that used to hold my concentration, and figure out how my thought process progresses.
it always starts with some fluke victory. i'll do something right immediately, and think i have some inhuman gift. so i'll continue on without any guidance or plan, trying to recreate it, only i will fail, repeatedly, inconsistantly flashing glimmers of the brilliance i thought i had to begin with.
then it will all come crashing down. i'll blame everything else but myself, the circumstances are flawed, how else could a genius like me be failing. either i'll quit now, and move on to something else leaving that potential untapped, or i will get frustrated and try to force it. i will push and push and push, flailing my way into a scattered pattern of success, which ends up being more frustrating because i can never recreate it when i want too.
either i quit and move on, or i start over from scratch. this is usually the end of it, because the thought of starting over is unbearable, wasting all that 'effort'. what i need to do is approach the problem from a more subdued state of mind, looking for logical solutions. start at the beginning, complete the first step. then do it again, and again, until it is automatic. repetition. then move on.
eventually, i'll string everything together, and have some modest successes. it is too easy to call it finished, and move on. being able to do something consistantly is only the launching pad for real success. this is where the fun part starts, where you can truely experiment and refine your abilities. it is rediculous when i quit after one modest success and move on. that shouldn't be the way i am. that isn't the way i want to be. i enjoy myself so much when i can focus on doing something i know how to do better.
i should never quit. that is the crux of my problems. i shut myself down before i have the chance to succeed. i call it good so i can enjoy the fruits of my labor. then things stagnate and die, and i'm left where i started again trying to figure out what went wrong.
so how do i apply this towards concentration? i need to go back to things i know will help. i need to spend time every day focusing on something. on a variety of things that will keep my mind sharp, and help me regain the control over myself i deserve.
to do list:
pull down my old calculus text. that damn calculus class is the reason my gpa dropped and i flunked out of college. it isn't that i couldn't learn, i just refused too. i make up all these excuses, but i never put forth the effort to actually learn, and multivariable calculus isn't something i could skate by like singlevariable was. i need to start on chapter one. i need to do every problem in the book. repetition. i don't have a timeline here, its not like i have to do 60 problems by tomorrow. i can work at my own pace, and make sure i understand when i move on. taming the math beast.
write. i need to spend time writing every day on multiple writing projects. not a lot of time, just a few minutes where i get text on a page. i need to get back into the rhythm of writing, and get used to putting words down even if they don't satisfy me at the time. nothing will be perfect the first time through. hopefully this will evolve into something to keep me occupied. right now it does keep me occupied, but only on the theoretical aspects of these stories i'm creating. they only exist in my head unless i let them out.
video games. i need to spend some time every day as a release playing some game. i need to concentrate on getting better while i'm playing. i can't just go through the motions and just play, i need to actually progress my abilities. i think that is why i am so bored with video games, i never really have to try. i just play without any real goals, so win or lose, the outcome is the same. i use my current abilities to goof my way through things, beating the computer that was designed to keep idiots interested. i'm better than that, i need to hone my skills again and dominate these games.
drawing. i have this idea i still want to pull off for the wall in my room. i need a giant sheet of graph paper to do it. i need to get this giant sheet of paper, and start. drawing is honestly not the highest priority, but this is definitely the easiest goal to accomplish.
exercise/meditation. i need to start up some sort of routine to keep myself in shape mentally and physically. right now i do nothing in the way of exercise, and i feel like i'm in shape. i'm probably not, but i don't feel flawed enough to worry, which i guess is a good thing. my body is a mystery to me, but it deserves more attention if i'm going to start doing stupid things like studying calculus again on my own.
am i going to do these things? not immediately. maybe i should call this my resolution list for the next year. that gives me plenty of time to approach them without overwhelming myself. the last thing i want to do is to send myself back into hiding. although, back is really a misleading term. i'm already in hiding. i guess i should say further into hiding. but if i can start doing a few of these things immediately, its a start.
it is mostly important to have this down to refer back too, so i can say "HAW! see, you are an idiot, and here are ways to improve yourself." no more excuses. small steps in the right direction....
