Thursday, March 17, 2005
in an unforseen about face, it is st. patties day and i am cringing at the thought of drinking tonight. that will probably change after a few guinesses, but still i thought it was worth mentioning because it is so out of character. i'm even part irish. weed is green, does that count? and how am i going to get kisses from drunk irish lasses if i don't go out and drink? i REALLY don't want to have to go to a bar to drink. so why bother drinking?
the answer to that of course is drunk girls. it has been so long since anything has happened that i can't remember how great they are. i am turning into a booze/boobs scrooge, sitting at home alone stacking my porno mags and empty vodka bottles hating everyone else. without a positive ratio, i am nothing. i'll sit back and let everyone else score while i sit alone trying not to step on anyone's feet. it has always been this way. i am someone who does NOT believe in the saying "all is fair in love and war". i think people use this saying as an excuse to stab the people they love in the back for a cheap thrill. i am not going to compromise who i am for a chance at sex. i'd rather go 3 years without any that kick someone else in the balls. NO NO, I TAKE IT BACK!!! I'M SO LOOOOONELY. 3 years is such a long time, i just don't know what to do anymore. i didn't even have a clue in the first place. all the action i have ever gotten, straight down to the lowliest peck on the cheek, was a FLUKE.
at least i don't have to deliver pizzas to sororities anymore. oh, don't get me wrong, it was the greatest part of that job. i loved it more than anything. gorgeous gorgeous gorgeous. but completely unobtainable. by enjoying it so much, i was just kidding myself even further. it has just become abundantly clear to me that i gave up a long time ago. 3 years is a long time, and apathy is the only excuse. i still give the same lame attempt at acting normal every time i see new girl, but that act is so old. i know i'm doomed from the start, playing out the same old scene out of habit. but what else do you do? you can noodle over all the theory you want, but it all flies out the window when you see someone you are attacted too. you heart pounds and your hands shake and your mind feels like it is going blank, and the easiest thing to do is avoid all eye-contact or conversation. you tell yourself "keep trying, keep trying, repetition is the key". well, i'll tell you this, repetition sucks. and its scary. the thought of getting turned down MORE is scary.
i just don't know what to do. so i act stupid, a transparent plea that says "i'm really normal, please believe me." it is pathetic, because i am not normal, and no one believes me when i say i am. the cool parts of me are the abnormal parts, the parts that someone potentially might like. but i can't control those parts. i don't even understand those parts. those are the parts i've spent my life hiding because they aren't fit for normal interaction with normal people. i can't drop the act. i want to but i can't because i don't know how. my entire notion of adult conversation revolves around forcing myself to talk in polite tones about things i know nothing about and have no interest in. it seems fake because it is. but that is who i put out for everyone to see. no matter how many times i say i know it is a problem, it still doesn't change the fact that i hate it when i act that way, but i don't know how to act anyway else. i have turned myself into a person who legitimately has nothing to say.
in my book, there was a quote that stuck out. it went something like "He does not respect or fear the things normal people do. this is the definition of madness." color me mad. i don't care about the things people idly chat about. i don't think anyone cares, but admitting it is what makes me crazy. the one normal thing that does fascinate me is sports, and i'm sure everyone is sick of hearing about it by the time i get to them, or they are girls and they don't care in the first place. it is enough to make me believe i am crazy. you have to get to know a person's lies before you can actually get to know them. everyone is going around looking for that meaningful conversation that is impossible to find. it leads to HEARTBREAK! OH WHAT A WORLD. i need to find someone else who doesn't care. someone who doesn't mind talking about nothing, or something. and who can tell the difference in me, because i sure have trouble sometimes. i am hopeless, haha.
anyways, back to the topic of the day, st. patties day. how can i abandon one of my favorite holidays? why bother with holidays when i'm not even looking forward too them? do holidays mean anything, or are they just patches on the thin, shredded veneer of our social society? you can't avoid them, because that is where all the people are. but what if you are having a bad day on a holiday? does that mean you don't get a chance to be happy until the next one? DOWN WITH HOLIDAYS. i want to be happy every day. in case you didn't notice, sometimes i enjoy using all caps for dramatic effect. when i use all caps, i envision myself outside yelling at the sky at the top of my lungs.
the answer to that of course is drunk girls. it has been so long since anything has happened that i can't remember how great they are. i am turning into a booze/boobs scrooge, sitting at home alone stacking my porno mags and empty vodka bottles hating everyone else. without a positive ratio, i am nothing. i'll sit back and let everyone else score while i sit alone trying not to step on anyone's feet. it has always been this way. i am someone who does NOT believe in the saying "all is fair in love and war". i think people use this saying as an excuse to stab the people they love in the back for a cheap thrill. i am not going to compromise who i am for a chance at sex. i'd rather go 3 years without any that kick someone else in the balls. NO NO, I TAKE IT BACK!!! I'M SO LOOOOONELY. 3 years is such a long time, i just don't know what to do anymore. i didn't even have a clue in the first place. all the action i have ever gotten, straight down to the lowliest peck on the cheek, was a FLUKE.
at least i don't have to deliver pizzas to sororities anymore. oh, don't get me wrong, it was the greatest part of that job. i loved it more than anything. gorgeous gorgeous gorgeous. but completely unobtainable. by enjoying it so much, i was just kidding myself even further. it has just become abundantly clear to me that i gave up a long time ago. 3 years is a long time, and apathy is the only excuse. i still give the same lame attempt at acting normal every time i see new girl, but that act is so old. i know i'm doomed from the start, playing out the same old scene out of habit. but what else do you do? you can noodle over all the theory you want, but it all flies out the window when you see someone you are attacted too. you heart pounds and your hands shake and your mind feels like it is going blank, and the easiest thing to do is avoid all eye-contact or conversation. you tell yourself "keep trying, keep trying, repetition is the key". well, i'll tell you this, repetition sucks. and its scary. the thought of getting turned down MORE is scary.
i just don't know what to do. so i act stupid, a transparent plea that says "i'm really normal, please believe me." it is pathetic, because i am not normal, and no one believes me when i say i am. the cool parts of me are the abnormal parts, the parts that someone potentially might like. but i can't control those parts. i don't even understand those parts. those are the parts i've spent my life hiding because they aren't fit for normal interaction with normal people. i can't drop the act. i want to but i can't because i don't know how. my entire notion of adult conversation revolves around forcing myself to talk in polite tones about things i know nothing about and have no interest in. it seems fake because it is. but that is who i put out for everyone to see. no matter how many times i say i know it is a problem, it still doesn't change the fact that i hate it when i act that way, but i don't know how to act anyway else. i have turned myself into a person who legitimately has nothing to say.
in my book, there was a quote that stuck out. it went something like "He does not respect or fear the things normal people do. this is the definition of madness." color me mad. i don't care about the things people idly chat about. i don't think anyone cares, but admitting it is what makes me crazy. the one normal thing that does fascinate me is sports, and i'm sure everyone is sick of hearing about it by the time i get to them, or they are girls and they don't care in the first place. it is enough to make me believe i am crazy. you have to get to know a person's lies before you can actually get to know them. everyone is going around looking for that meaningful conversation that is impossible to find. it leads to HEARTBREAK! OH WHAT A WORLD. i need to find someone else who doesn't care. someone who doesn't mind talking about nothing, or something. and who can tell the difference in me, because i sure have trouble sometimes. i am hopeless, haha.
anyways, back to the topic of the day, st. patties day. how can i abandon one of my favorite holidays? why bother with holidays when i'm not even looking forward too them? do holidays mean anything, or are they just patches on the thin, shredded veneer of our social society? you can't avoid them, because that is where all the people are. but what if you are having a bad day on a holiday? does that mean you don't get a chance to be happy until the next one? DOWN WITH HOLIDAYS. i want to be happy every day. in case you didn't notice, sometimes i enjoy using all caps for dramatic effect. when i use all caps, i envision myself outside yelling at the sky at the top of my lungs.
