Saturday, July 09, 2005
what i think, what i feel.
here i say what i feel, and what i think about what i feel. i don't usually share these things with people. i keep myself guarded. i am not sure whether i am afraid to share, or just see it as unnecessary in most circumstances. probably both. whenever i ask myself a question like that, it is always both.
what i feel, what i think, and what i end up saying aren't always necessarily the same. that is why i am drawn to the internet, where i can see what i say before i hit enter. sometimes i say things when i fully intend to say something else. the meaning behind what i say is not entirely lost, but the translation puts it into a new light that i didn't intend. i get those moments of 'oh god, i did not just say that'. one word changed due to dyslexia or a simple lapse of concentration leaves me in a hole with myself. thus is the nature of verbal communication. once you say something, you can't erase it. i guess i don't view myself so much as guarded as careful. i don't like saying things i don't mean. i don't like saying things that are wrong, even when i think i am telling the truth.
i would make a terrible public figure, because i can't translate what other people are saying fast enough to form a coherent response. in high school when we had to do debates for class, i always lost. i would always stop paying attention midquestion, then respond in a way that would prove the other side's point. i don't like doing that. i don't even notice i am doing it until afterwards, then i just feel embarassed, mostly because i still don't understand what i said. but online, i can see what i say. i can understand what i say. if i get confused, i can just read things over, and if necessary change the words around so they are an interpretation of what i really mean.
when i am around people, i feel cold and emotionless. i feel like an observer. i feel like i am underwater in a submarine, with little beams of light being the only outward sign of my prescense. i am closed, sealed an ice tomb of my insecurities. of my insecurities and my cynacism. i am tired of drinking just to melt myself down. it isn't right. it isn't me when i do it. it is the alcohol, i am not even there. my body takes over after the poison kills my mind. that was how i connected with people, to try and reach a state of equality by lowering myself below both of us, and hoping they would meet me underneath everything. i am proud of how little i drink now. i was thinking about this recently, and in the past year, the year sandwiched by two canada days, i have been drunk, really drunk maybe 4 times, and two of those times were canada days. i drink sometimes, sure. i have a beer, sometimes two. but not enough to kill my mind anymore.
now i feel like i am just rehashing old conversations with myself. i am not even sure if they have ended up on this blog. so, where am i now? alone, sure, but i have always been alone. connecting with drunk people is not connecting. it is like connecting with a dog by stripping naked and running through the forest. it is fun, and we all know there is a certain simplicity to it that is very very appealing, but the price is too high to pay. so i find myself where i was at the end of high school. looking for a way to redefine myself. i thought alcohol was the answer. i thought during college i was a changed man. for a few years i was. i thought i had answers. i did have answers, i just don't agree with them anymore. they were excuses more than anything. ways for me to ignore the truth and hide, so i didn't have to take action myself. now i just need to find myself all over again.
this time around, i don't feel the sense of urgency i have in the past. i am not worried that i will somehow fade away without the approval of my peers, or whatever it was i was looking for. true change comes over time. i can't force myself into someone i am not ready to be.
that is about as deep as this post is going to get, so now is as good of a stopping place as any.
here i say what i feel, and what i think about what i feel. i don't usually share these things with people. i keep myself guarded. i am not sure whether i am afraid to share, or just see it as unnecessary in most circumstances. probably both. whenever i ask myself a question like that, it is always both.
what i feel, what i think, and what i end up saying aren't always necessarily the same. that is why i am drawn to the internet, where i can see what i say before i hit enter. sometimes i say things when i fully intend to say something else. the meaning behind what i say is not entirely lost, but the translation puts it into a new light that i didn't intend. i get those moments of 'oh god, i did not just say that'. one word changed due to dyslexia or a simple lapse of concentration leaves me in a hole with myself. thus is the nature of verbal communication. once you say something, you can't erase it. i guess i don't view myself so much as guarded as careful. i don't like saying things i don't mean. i don't like saying things that are wrong, even when i think i am telling the truth.
i would make a terrible public figure, because i can't translate what other people are saying fast enough to form a coherent response. in high school when we had to do debates for class, i always lost. i would always stop paying attention midquestion, then respond in a way that would prove the other side's point. i don't like doing that. i don't even notice i am doing it until afterwards, then i just feel embarassed, mostly because i still don't understand what i said. but online, i can see what i say. i can understand what i say. if i get confused, i can just read things over, and if necessary change the words around so they are an interpretation of what i really mean.
when i am around people, i feel cold and emotionless. i feel like an observer. i feel like i am underwater in a submarine, with little beams of light being the only outward sign of my prescense. i am closed, sealed an ice tomb of my insecurities. of my insecurities and my cynacism. i am tired of drinking just to melt myself down. it isn't right. it isn't me when i do it. it is the alcohol, i am not even there. my body takes over after the poison kills my mind. that was how i connected with people, to try and reach a state of equality by lowering myself below both of us, and hoping they would meet me underneath everything. i am proud of how little i drink now. i was thinking about this recently, and in the past year, the year sandwiched by two canada days, i have been drunk, really drunk maybe 4 times, and two of those times were canada days. i drink sometimes, sure. i have a beer, sometimes two. but not enough to kill my mind anymore.
now i feel like i am just rehashing old conversations with myself. i am not even sure if they have ended up on this blog. so, where am i now? alone, sure, but i have always been alone. connecting with drunk people is not connecting. it is like connecting with a dog by stripping naked and running through the forest. it is fun, and we all know there is a certain simplicity to it that is very very appealing, but the price is too high to pay. so i find myself where i was at the end of high school. looking for a way to redefine myself. i thought alcohol was the answer. i thought during college i was a changed man. for a few years i was. i thought i had answers. i did have answers, i just don't agree with them anymore. they were excuses more than anything. ways for me to ignore the truth and hide, so i didn't have to take action myself. now i just need to find myself all over again.
this time around, i don't feel the sense of urgency i have in the past. i am not worried that i will somehow fade away without the approval of my peers, or whatever it was i was looking for. true change comes over time. i can't force myself into someone i am not ready to be.
that is about as deep as this post is going to get, so now is as good of a stopping place as any.
