Sunday, July 24, 2005
what is really going on inside my head, and how does it make me the person i am. that is the question i am always after. like why am i always so at odds with the rest of the world. maybe i have lost my belief in free will, and the thought of a world with no free will frightens me. maybe i just believe that i have lost my free will, that i have somehow trapped myself into something that i am forced to defer too.
i feel i am not free to do whatever i want because of limitations i impose on myself. then i blame it on limitations from outside myself. being able to police myself is a positive thing, in general, but i don't think i quite understand how to go about it. these codes i force myself to follow by aren't my own, they are still there to make sure i don't get in trouble with the law, or whatever authority figure i have around me. there is a large part of me that is still a child afraid of punishment. but there is also a large part of me that believes that i deserve the luxury of living by my own code because i can live by civilization's code of laws without external policing. what i need to realize is that my morality and civilizations morality don't necessarily have to be opposing, just because they aren't identical. my morality can encompass civilized life instead of excluding it. they will never overlap entirely, but they don't have to be at odds with one another.
So, if i agree to civilization, maybe i can actually become a functioning member. as a civilized person, i can at my leisure refuse to acknowledge anything i consider to be dysfunctional, anything trying to wrongly manipulate civilization. i will never have a hand in the removal of free will, because i will never contribute to civilization's destruction.
i am cutting my strings, and extending them to everyone around me. there are forces trying to steal civilization away from us, but they can't if we don't let them take hold of us. if anyone trys to take my strings for themselves, i have people holding other strings all around me who will pull me back. that is what i need to realize.
the truth is, there is major dysfunction around me. yes, there is a chance that i will be hurt if i allow access to myself. but as long as i don't deserve to be wronged in the first place, it is counterintuitive to expect that it is going to happen. it is insanity to expect people to adhere to any code i do merely to shield me from theoretical discomfort.
i feel i am not free to do whatever i want because of limitations i impose on myself. then i blame it on limitations from outside myself. being able to police myself is a positive thing, in general, but i don't think i quite understand how to go about it. these codes i force myself to follow by aren't my own, they are still there to make sure i don't get in trouble with the law, or whatever authority figure i have around me. there is a large part of me that is still a child afraid of punishment. but there is also a large part of me that believes that i deserve the luxury of living by my own code because i can live by civilization's code of laws without external policing. what i need to realize is that my morality and civilizations morality don't necessarily have to be opposing, just because they aren't identical. my morality can encompass civilized life instead of excluding it. they will never overlap entirely, but they don't have to be at odds with one another.
So, if i agree to civilization, maybe i can actually become a functioning member. as a civilized person, i can at my leisure refuse to acknowledge anything i consider to be dysfunctional, anything trying to wrongly manipulate civilization. i will never have a hand in the removal of free will, because i will never contribute to civilization's destruction.
i am cutting my strings, and extending them to everyone around me. there are forces trying to steal civilization away from us, but they can't if we don't let them take hold of us. if anyone trys to take my strings for themselves, i have people holding other strings all around me who will pull me back. that is what i need to realize.
the truth is, there is major dysfunction around me. yes, there is a chance that i will be hurt if i allow access to myself. but as long as i don't deserve to be wronged in the first place, it is counterintuitive to expect that it is going to happen. it is insanity to expect people to adhere to any code i do merely to shield me from theoretical discomfort.
