Friday, July 08, 2005
it is all just words. i watch the political branch of these forums i frequent. it is the most depressing part of my day. people will believe anything they can string into a complete sentance. the expectations have dropped to the point where correct grammar is the deciding factor on whether a point is right or wrong. truth and reason never factor into it. you get blowhards acting like experts because they have picked up this great new trick on the internet called written language. there is a part of me who really appreciates what they are doing, because i have spent years compiling my thoughts on this page, and more importantly the emotions behind those thoughts whether they be reasonable or not. but individual rantings are very different from international policy. it is depressing, because you can watch these forums and the sides that form, and realize that it is a fairly accurate representation of american politics, and the people who drive them. people pass down moral edicts, and claim to know exactly what is happening, when it is all just posturing and mindless arguing. some people care about making an articulate, well thought out point, and they try, they really try. but there are others who don't care about the point that is being made, they care about winning. winning the arguement, winning the election, it is all the same. they stoop to whatever dirty tricks they need to just so they can justify their own selfish behavior. because the other people have very valid points, and raise what should be completely damning questions, but they can't win, ever, because they base their opinions on reason. Then the other side comes in with a verbal assault i liken to a 4 year old in the middle of a supermarket yelling with all his might until his mom finally buys him the fucking candy. eventually you give in, and buy him the candy to spare everyone the horrible discomfort, no matter what precident you set. then it is all over, and reason becomes the doormat the 4 year olds don't even use, but avoid altogether before tromping mud all over the carpet. this is what life is like where i live right now. anywhere you go, there are tv's turned to one of the 20 24 hour cable news stations. but no one cares about the real news, so we are forced to watch people arguing the same stupid arguements over and over. and when i say anywhere, i mean everywhere. there are tv's in reception areas, tv's in elevators, tv's in stores, and tv's on the dashboards of our cars. there are even tv's in the pumps at the gas station, so you can watch oil futures rise while you pump your gas just to remind you that gas is going to cost you more next time you have to fill your tank. it is enough to drive me crazy. i sit back and i worry, not about what is happening to our country, or what is happening to our world, but what is happening to my next door neighbor, and everyone else i can't avoid over the course of the day. tv has become my enemy. glorious tv, the magical box that raised me, that was once filled with things i actually thought were worth watching, entertaining shows that could inspire some emotion, any emotion other than the forced apathy i have settled on.
it is all just words, an no one even says anything anymore. if you say something you mean, some day you might be held responsible for your words. but if you speak in vague terms with multiple possible interpretations, you can backpeddle indefinitely. i hate it, and it is addictive. you can try to play along, try to make a point somehow, but you get sucked in. if you let any sort of competetive nature show through your words, it is an immediate challenge, and you will be killed. i mean, literally killed. it scares me. there are so many calls for death and bombings on these forums, that i am afraid for everyone, because people are drawing lines in the sand, and calling for the death of anyone who approaches it, and everyone else in their village for good measure.
when i go out of my door, i have to trust that other people are not going to kill me. it just seems like my trust is waning. i am afraid i am going to get killed on the account of someone else's words. words that someone hasn't even thought out completely before they force them upon me.
i am a fan of words. i take my words very seriously, which is why i go through spells of silence. i often look back on my old word and feel sheepish. i like to apply words to myself, to try and understand myself better. people who disregard any words directed at them and defer to their own blind statements as fact in the face of reason have no right to apply these false ideas to me. i am perfectly content to sit and talk to myself, because at least i am improving.
i have developed a wicked narcissistic mindset. sometimes i feel like i am wading through a pool mud, that the rest of the world is just clinging to me, trying to suck me under so it can justify a minute increase in its stagnation at my expense instead of having to think about flowing downstream towards the future. sometimes i like to let people talk to me without trying to influence the conversation. you would be amazed at the things people will tell you within the first 5 minutes of you knowing them if you leave them to their own devices. people do some stupid things, and never even pause to think about whether they were right or wrong. as much as i hate the fake sentiments of idle chit chat, it is so much easier that getting to know the people behind the flapping mouths. it is so false though, that i just feel so guilty. guilt is better than the feeling of judgemental condescension i get when i get into a real conversation with people who i deem are below me, which as it turns out is pretty much everyone. some people i respect. that list dwindles all the time. my list of links on the side of the page is actually a suprisingly accurate representation of the people i deem worthy of leaving to their own devices. the majority of people i think of as mental leeches, people waiting for someone to cling too so they don't have to move under their own power. every time i lower my standards for humanity, i get to see how far people will let themselves sink. i know there are some people like me, who are content to live as best they can, trying to make the best decisions they can and trying to learn from their mistakes. but i don't believe enough people are willing to lift themselves up to give them a fair chance at holding my attention. i am not ashamed to admit it anymore. i don't care. i think most people are below me. i don't think i do anything that is particularly special. i don't think i have any secrets. i just think i am better, and i just can't figure out why. my standards for people just keeps dropping, and still fewer and fewer people can keep themselves above the line. the gap in my mind between me and the people around me keeps getting wider and wider. subjecting people to the truth of this seems malicious, but silence just gives them another chance to lose points. i don't even see people anymore. i just see objects in space for me to navigate through. my job reflects this. it is very simple. take this package from one place to another as fast as possible. no banter necessary. here is the package, thank you, have a nice day. as few words as possible. i purposefully snub people. i turn my back on them, and walk out the door, but somehow i still have a reputation as being good at my job, a nice, wonderful guy, and i don't understand it. the bar is so low, i guess it just gets swallowed in my stride. i keep adding distance between myself and the world, that isolation has become a goal, a way to be efficient and successful. it leaves me with myself. and no, it is not fair, but it is hard to argue with, given the option of me or the most likely alternative. i win when i am invisible. there are some people i wouldn't mind seeing, but there are so few that i don't feel the need to instigate any contact, because the contact i can't avoid is almost too much for me.
so here i am. a nation of one, a species of one, on a one way path to permanent extinction. i try. i don't try hard, but i try, which apparently is enough to set me apart from the masses. i just wonder what my peers do to screw up so bad. i wonder about what will happen when the leeches run out of fresh blood to feed on. i wonder, and hope that there is enough distance between me and their reeking pile of trash that i won't be the final snack before the world implodes on itself. someone has to survive. someone will have the foresight to escape, even if all it means is living their last years alone, but in peace after everyone else is gone. this slender hope is enough of a happy ending for me, so i'll keep moving forward. hindering myself for the sake of being sensitive to other people's fragile stupidity isn't an option anymore. i don't care if i leave everyone else behind. all i can do is continue forward on my own, and leave other people to do the same. just because i can't trust them to make the right decision doesn't mean i have the right to try to help them think like me. the deserve the chance to fail, just like i deserve the chance to succeed.
all these words can keep me comfortable, because they are mine. i can't disregard them, they are an extention of me. i will have to answer to them next time i open my website, and i will enjoy the conversation i have with myself. a conversation with my equal. in the end, the words don't matter. there is meaning and emotion behind what i write that i can see, no matter how much time has passed, no matter how obsolete the words themselves have become.
it is all just words, an no one even says anything anymore. if you say something you mean, some day you might be held responsible for your words. but if you speak in vague terms with multiple possible interpretations, you can backpeddle indefinitely. i hate it, and it is addictive. you can try to play along, try to make a point somehow, but you get sucked in. if you let any sort of competetive nature show through your words, it is an immediate challenge, and you will be killed. i mean, literally killed. it scares me. there are so many calls for death and bombings on these forums, that i am afraid for everyone, because people are drawing lines in the sand, and calling for the death of anyone who approaches it, and everyone else in their village for good measure.
when i go out of my door, i have to trust that other people are not going to kill me. it just seems like my trust is waning. i am afraid i am going to get killed on the account of someone else's words. words that someone hasn't even thought out completely before they force them upon me.
i am a fan of words. i take my words very seriously, which is why i go through spells of silence. i often look back on my old word and feel sheepish. i like to apply words to myself, to try and understand myself better. people who disregard any words directed at them and defer to their own blind statements as fact in the face of reason have no right to apply these false ideas to me. i am perfectly content to sit and talk to myself, because at least i am improving.
i have developed a wicked narcissistic mindset. sometimes i feel like i am wading through a pool mud, that the rest of the world is just clinging to me, trying to suck me under so it can justify a minute increase in its stagnation at my expense instead of having to think about flowing downstream towards the future. sometimes i like to let people talk to me without trying to influence the conversation. you would be amazed at the things people will tell you within the first 5 minutes of you knowing them if you leave them to their own devices. people do some stupid things, and never even pause to think about whether they were right or wrong. as much as i hate the fake sentiments of idle chit chat, it is so much easier that getting to know the people behind the flapping mouths. it is so false though, that i just feel so guilty. guilt is better than the feeling of judgemental condescension i get when i get into a real conversation with people who i deem are below me, which as it turns out is pretty much everyone. some people i respect. that list dwindles all the time. my list of links on the side of the page is actually a suprisingly accurate representation of the people i deem worthy of leaving to their own devices. the majority of people i think of as mental leeches, people waiting for someone to cling too so they don't have to move under their own power. every time i lower my standards for humanity, i get to see how far people will let themselves sink. i know there are some people like me, who are content to live as best they can, trying to make the best decisions they can and trying to learn from their mistakes. but i don't believe enough people are willing to lift themselves up to give them a fair chance at holding my attention. i am not ashamed to admit it anymore. i don't care. i think most people are below me. i don't think i do anything that is particularly special. i don't think i have any secrets. i just think i am better, and i just can't figure out why. my standards for people just keeps dropping, and still fewer and fewer people can keep themselves above the line. the gap in my mind between me and the people around me keeps getting wider and wider. subjecting people to the truth of this seems malicious, but silence just gives them another chance to lose points. i don't even see people anymore. i just see objects in space for me to navigate through. my job reflects this. it is very simple. take this package from one place to another as fast as possible. no banter necessary. here is the package, thank you, have a nice day. as few words as possible. i purposefully snub people. i turn my back on them, and walk out the door, but somehow i still have a reputation as being good at my job, a nice, wonderful guy, and i don't understand it. the bar is so low, i guess it just gets swallowed in my stride. i keep adding distance between myself and the world, that isolation has become a goal, a way to be efficient and successful. it leaves me with myself. and no, it is not fair, but it is hard to argue with, given the option of me or the most likely alternative. i win when i am invisible. there are some people i wouldn't mind seeing, but there are so few that i don't feel the need to instigate any contact, because the contact i can't avoid is almost too much for me.
so here i am. a nation of one, a species of one, on a one way path to permanent extinction. i try. i don't try hard, but i try, which apparently is enough to set me apart from the masses. i just wonder what my peers do to screw up so bad. i wonder about what will happen when the leeches run out of fresh blood to feed on. i wonder, and hope that there is enough distance between me and their reeking pile of trash that i won't be the final snack before the world implodes on itself. someone has to survive. someone will have the foresight to escape, even if all it means is living their last years alone, but in peace after everyone else is gone. this slender hope is enough of a happy ending for me, so i'll keep moving forward. hindering myself for the sake of being sensitive to other people's fragile stupidity isn't an option anymore. i don't care if i leave everyone else behind. all i can do is continue forward on my own, and leave other people to do the same. just because i can't trust them to make the right decision doesn't mean i have the right to try to help them think like me. the deserve the chance to fail, just like i deserve the chance to succeed.
all these words can keep me comfortable, because they are mine. i can't disregard them, they are an extention of me. i will have to answer to them next time i open my website, and i will enjoy the conversation i have with myself. a conversation with my equal. in the end, the words don't matter. there is meaning and emotion behind what i write that i can see, no matter how much time has passed, no matter how obsolete the words themselves have become.
