Tuesday, August 09, 2005
i keep myself from being active. the perception i have of my life doesn't have time for interests and pursuits. it has time for work and sleep, and i shut down anything i might want to do that doesn't involve work or sleep before it happens so i don't get disappointed when i don't have time to do it. i am sure i have the time, just not as much time as i would like, so i spend my time idle in protest of the unavoidable things that take up my time. i miss college. actually, i should say i miss missing college. the huge stretches where thoughts of going to class never even entered my mind. i slept until i woke up, and then lounged until i fell asleep again. i miss that, or at least the possibility of that.
my goal in life is to have something similar to that again. i don't want to have to work for anyone ever again. i am skating by on a technicality now, which is part of why i am uneasy. i am at that point in every job, about 6 months in, where you realize what the job entails, and you envision yourself doing this job for the rest of your life, and that thought doubles you over in pain and makes you want to hurl your guts out and then fall asleep for about a year. the preconceptions you had before you were hired are stripped away, and you see your job for what it is, another god damn job you will never be able to avoid. the same as every job you have ever had. it is enough to make me sick. it doesn't matter if my current job is the best job i have ever had, it is still worse than anything i would choose to do with that time.
all i want to do is scream and bitch and moan about my plight, but it isn't constructive, which is even more frustrating. you can't expect anyone to sympathize, because everyone else is in the exact same crappy position as you are.
i have thought about joining the military, or a monastery, or any life that doesn't revolve around money. something different than the endless quest for more that never comes into fruition. there is never enough money to get ahead. someone like me who just wants enough money to end the stupid cycle for good will never have enough money to make it happen. so i am trapped. my time has been taken by someone else. half of my day claimed by some bastard who thinks he is entitled to it.
i don't want to do this anymore. it doesn't feel right. i feel dirty and abandoned. when i am at work, i feel subhuman, surrounded other animals.
i wish people didn't have to see me like this, frustrated and ranting like this. it has been like this so many times before. this mindset is a stain on my otherwise happy life. i have written this rant too many times, and it never amounts to anything but more frustration
my goal in life is to have something similar to that again. i don't want to have to work for anyone ever again. i am skating by on a technicality now, which is part of why i am uneasy. i am at that point in every job, about 6 months in, where you realize what the job entails, and you envision yourself doing this job for the rest of your life, and that thought doubles you over in pain and makes you want to hurl your guts out and then fall asleep for about a year. the preconceptions you had before you were hired are stripped away, and you see your job for what it is, another god damn job you will never be able to avoid. the same as every job you have ever had. it is enough to make me sick. it doesn't matter if my current job is the best job i have ever had, it is still worse than anything i would choose to do with that time.
all i want to do is scream and bitch and moan about my plight, but it isn't constructive, which is even more frustrating. you can't expect anyone to sympathize, because everyone else is in the exact same crappy position as you are.
i have thought about joining the military, or a monastery, or any life that doesn't revolve around money. something different than the endless quest for more that never comes into fruition. there is never enough money to get ahead. someone like me who just wants enough money to end the stupid cycle for good will never have enough money to make it happen. so i am trapped. my time has been taken by someone else. half of my day claimed by some bastard who thinks he is entitled to it.
i don't want to do this anymore. it doesn't feel right. i feel dirty and abandoned. when i am at work, i feel subhuman, surrounded other animals.
i wish people didn't have to see me like this, frustrated and ranting like this. it has been like this so many times before. this mindset is a stain on my otherwise happy life. i have written this rant too many times, and it never amounts to anything but more frustration
