Thursday, September 22, 2005
my head is swirling lately. i am smack dab in the middle of a crossroads, and the road in every direction looks dark. i don't know what there is in any direction. for all i know, i am in the middle of the dark woods at the center of heaven, and 50 yards of walking in any direction will lead me to paradise. but from where i stand, things look dark.
i have chance to do something i have been dreaming of, and it scares me. i have been designing this webpage for a friend. actually, i should say i have been avoiding working on a website i am designing for a friend. i am not avoiding it for a particular reason, besides some lame residual excuses about having to work with someone else's shifting ideas. this webpage started off with simple intentions. we both agreed on that at the very beginning. simple was the main idea. of course, as soon as i started, simple was thrown out the window, along with half of my code that was now rendered unusable. this website has grown into a monster, exactly the kind of website that haunts my dreams, and has made me avoid web design for anything other than personal reasons. i am angry, mostly at myself for agreeing to work on it because i knew that this was going to happen before i started, but i agreed to it anyways. i am angry because when the website gets finished, it won't be what the person wants it to be, it won't be what i want it to be, and because i am the one who made it, i am now on the hook for whatever crazy ass anti-simple additions need to be made.
the website i had in mind when i started was great. it was simple, and elegant, and uncluttered. it was meant to be a vehicle for this person's business, a tool. when we began, we were completely on the same page, what i wanted was exactly what he wanted. but now this person has unrealistic expectations. he wants the website to become his business. he wants to be able to charge people over the internet for all of his consulting fees and stuff for his design work, like hundreds, thousands of dollars here. he wants to set up a shop to sell products he doesn't even have yet. he wants to be able to put this website in place as a replacement for himself, so he won't have to deal with people as much. they can deal with the website. all the information for anything anyone needs will be there, along with the tools they need to pay him for his interior design. that is the crazy thing, it isn't like he is selling a product we can set up a storefront for. sure, he has some things he wants to sell, prints of his canvases and tshirts and stuff, but they are an afterthought to his real business. does he expect the website to go to these people's houses and see what they want and need? how does a website answer specific questions about someone's completely individual space? his business seems successful because it is so fluid and changing. no project he does is the same. he is good at what he does because he can see what people need, and find a way to give it to them. a website isn't fluid. it is text and pictures in boxes on a screen. if you are lucky, there is an email address for a real person in case you need something. if there isn't a person to drive the business, what will happen? nothing.
i don't know how to do the things he wants me to do, in terms of code or design philosophy. even if i did, i wouldn't do some of them because they would basically place all of the administration of his business on my shoulders as the defacto webmaster. there isn't enough money in the world to make me do that. the smartest thing i did was to not accept money for doing this website. it allows me to scale the website back a little, back towards our original intentions. intentions that have been trampled underneath. intentions that would have led to a great website. instead the new intentions will now lead to a giant clusterfuck that will scare people away as soon as they open it. i am sure there will be tons of information somewhere. or there won't be. it could turn into page upon page of empty professional banter created by me because this person had no idea what they really wanted in the first place. could you fill 28 pages worth of content? neither can i. but right now, that is where we are: 28 internal pages linked from the front page. why? i don't know. but i do know that they are all supposed to be in popup menus that i have no idea how to make. but apparently this is how it needs to be.
here is my solution. no popup menus, all 28 pages in blog form with a simple block of text at the top. that is all these pages would have been anyways, simple blocks of text. a sentance, maybe two. information spread way too thin. but if it is a blog, then they have the illusion of substance. and most importantly, i can do it and then hand control over to him. say "here you go, here is the blogger account with 28 individual blogs for you to fill, have fun and call me if the code breaks down." it will give everything a more fluid atmosphere, and will make expansion easier.
it would be easy to finish these tasks, to set these pages up. it would be more or less what he wants, and it would suck. it would be crap, and he would know it, and he would come back at me with a whole new list of crap like the last 3 times we have talked about it, and i would have to start over, again. this is why i will never design a website for anyone else again. simple or not. free or professionally. friend or no. it isn't worth it. so i've been avoiding it. it is bad. i haven't been working on it at all. the more work i do, the more work will be created for me. i never, NEVER should have agreed to make a website for someone else's business because it is a never-ending process. stupid, fucking STUPID.
but anyways, back to the main topic. the guy has come to me about writing a book. in particular, me writing a book and him doing some canvas paintings based on the book. something i've dreamt of doing, writing a novel, with this guy to help me. yet here i am, already avoiding the other project we are working on together and preparing to have it result in a shoddy product.
i know what i need to do. i need to finish this website so it doesn't become a wedge between us, a freaking sinking ship that takes this story about dragons that i am falling in love with down with it. this isn't just a story. this is the story that has tied both of my other major writing projects together into one project, one giant beautiful arc. but do i want to work with him? do i trust someone else to contribute to my ideas positively, without the contributions becoming concessions i don't believe in added out of guilt? because that is what i am afraid of. starting this project, and have it veer completely offcourse very quickly again, until i am tied into doing something i don't believe in for the sake of someone else, even if it is someone i generally trust and admire.
so what am i doing? i am self destructing. i am a wreck. i've been leaving work early and coming home to do nothing but lie in bed, or at my computer, or wander around the house, anything to avoid this website, even though finishing the website could possibly solve all my problems. problems that aren't even fucking problems yet! problems i am creating in my head because i am scared. scared that i will fail and disappoint everyone. well you know what, that is exactly what i am doing right now. i am in the process of failing and disappointing everyone without even trying to succeed. that is what i do. i get uneasy then i give up before i have a chance to fail, and right now it is tearing me apart inside.
i am caught between several destructive mental quagmires. there is no clean solution to this all. i am going to have to do something, and i'm not going to like doing it. it is going to lead to a compromise that i don't think has to be made. which is just crazy. compromise is a large part of just about every solution. any solution i choose will most likely lead to more problems. but no solution will lead to its own problems, and take away any chance at a successful outcome.
my mind is a blur.
i have chance to do something i have been dreaming of, and it scares me. i have been designing this webpage for a friend. actually, i should say i have been avoiding working on a website i am designing for a friend. i am not avoiding it for a particular reason, besides some lame residual excuses about having to work with someone else's shifting ideas. this webpage started off with simple intentions. we both agreed on that at the very beginning. simple was the main idea. of course, as soon as i started, simple was thrown out the window, along with half of my code that was now rendered unusable. this website has grown into a monster, exactly the kind of website that haunts my dreams, and has made me avoid web design for anything other than personal reasons. i am angry, mostly at myself for agreeing to work on it because i knew that this was going to happen before i started, but i agreed to it anyways. i am angry because when the website gets finished, it won't be what the person wants it to be, it won't be what i want it to be, and because i am the one who made it, i am now on the hook for whatever crazy ass anti-simple additions need to be made.
the website i had in mind when i started was great. it was simple, and elegant, and uncluttered. it was meant to be a vehicle for this person's business, a tool. when we began, we were completely on the same page, what i wanted was exactly what he wanted. but now this person has unrealistic expectations. he wants the website to become his business. he wants to be able to charge people over the internet for all of his consulting fees and stuff for his design work, like hundreds, thousands of dollars here. he wants to set up a shop to sell products he doesn't even have yet. he wants to be able to put this website in place as a replacement for himself, so he won't have to deal with people as much. they can deal with the website. all the information for anything anyone needs will be there, along with the tools they need to pay him for his interior design. that is the crazy thing, it isn't like he is selling a product we can set up a storefront for. sure, he has some things he wants to sell, prints of his canvases and tshirts and stuff, but they are an afterthought to his real business. does he expect the website to go to these people's houses and see what they want and need? how does a website answer specific questions about someone's completely individual space? his business seems successful because it is so fluid and changing. no project he does is the same. he is good at what he does because he can see what people need, and find a way to give it to them. a website isn't fluid. it is text and pictures in boxes on a screen. if you are lucky, there is an email address for a real person in case you need something. if there isn't a person to drive the business, what will happen? nothing.
i don't know how to do the things he wants me to do, in terms of code or design philosophy. even if i did, i wouldn't do some of them because they would basically place all of the administration of his business on my shoulders as the defacto webmaster. there isn't enough money in the world to make me do that. the smartest thing i did was to not accept money for doing this website. it allows me to scale the website back a little, back towards our original intentions. intentions that have been trampled underneath. intentions that would have led to a great website. instead the new intentions will now lead to a giant clusterfuck that will scare people away as soon as they open it. i am sure there will be tons of information somewhere. or there won't be. it could turn into page upon page of empty professional banter created by me because this person had no idea what they really wanted in the first place. could you fill 28 pages worth of content? neither can i. but right now, that is where we are: 28 internal pages linked from the front page. why? i don't know. but i do know that they are all supposed to be in popup menus that i have no idea how to make. but apparently this is how it needs to be.
here is my solution. no popup menus, all 28 pages in blog form with a simple block of text at the top. that is all these pages would have been anyways, simple blocks of text. a sentance, maybe two. information spread way too thin. but if it is a blog, then they have the illusion of substance. and most importantly, i can do it and then hand control over to him. say "here you go, here is the blogger account with 28 individual blogs for you to fill, have fun and call me if the code breaks down." it will give everything a more fluid atmosphere, and will make expansion easier.
it would be easy to finish these tasks, to set these pages up. it would be more or less what he wants, and it would suck. it would be crap, and he would know it, and he would come back at me with a whole new list of crap like the last 3 times we have talked about it, and i would have to start over, again. this is why i will never design a website for anyone else again. simple or not. free or professionally. friend or no. it isn't worth it. so i've been avoiding it. it is bad. i haven't been working on it at all. the more work i do, the more work will be created for me. i never, NEVER should have agreed to make a website for someone else's business because it is a never-ending process. stupid, fucking STUPID.
but anyways, back to the main topic. the guy has come to me about writing a book. in particular, me writing a book and him doing some canvas paintings based on the book. something i've dreamt of doing, writing a novel, with this guy to help me. yet here i am, already avoiding the other project we are working on together and preparing to have it result in a shoddy product.
i know what i need to do. i need to finish this website so it doesn't become a wedge between us, a freaking sinking ship that takes this story about dragons that i am falling in love with down with it. this isn't just a story. this is the story that has tied both of my other major writing projects together into one project, one giant beautiful arc. but do i want to work with him? do i trust someone else to contribute to my ideas positively, without the contributions becoming concessions i don't believe in added out of guilt? because that is what i am afraid of. starting this project, and have it veer completely offcourse very quickly again, until i am tied into doing something i don't believe in for the sake of someone else, even if it is someone i generally trust and admire.
so what am i doing? i am self destructing. i am a wreck. i've been leaving work early and coming home to do nothing but lie in bed, or at my computer, or wander around the house, anything to avoid this website, even though finishing the website could possibly solve all my problems. problems that aren't even fucking problems yet! problems i am creating in my head because i am scared. scared that i will fail and disappoint everyone. well you know what, that is exactly what i am doing right now. i am in the process of failing and disappointing everyone without even trying to succeed. that is what i do. i get uneasy then i give up before i have a chance to fail, and right now it is tearing me apart inside.
i am caught between several destructive mental quagmires. there is no clean solution to this all. i am going to have to do something, and i'm not going to like doing it. it is going to lead to a compromise that i don't think has to be made. which is just crazy. compromise is a large part of just about every solution. any solution i choose will most likely lead to more problems. but no solution will lead to its own problems, and take away any chance at a successful outcome.
my mind is a blur.
