Wednesday, July 26, 2006
when you are satisfied, you stop progressing (from the zen of ichiro, via kenji johjima)
meh, blah, mwah, progress, plblbblbt
that is what i have to say today. ben no care. ben beaten into small puddle of meat. ben tired.
where do we go from here? a comment i make so often, it has its own pet comment that always follows it. the options are the same as they usually are. make another lateral, or slightly backwards move for the sake of freshness. the other option isn't even an option. it is seductive, and inevitable, but impossible. it is going to take years of settling before i make that decision, when i have finally resigned myself to the fact that there is truely nothing better available for me. and at the time, it will be the best decision i have ever made, because it will be a huge jump forward for me, as it would be right now. but it will seal my progress. there will be no more forward. it is so tempting, from an earning power standpoint. but if earning power was really the main focus of my life, i would be buried in a box somewhere right now. i have more important things swirling in my head, things that will never be accomidated. which is why it is no option. i refuse to even speak of it.
but, i wouldn't be me if i didn't fully explore every outcome in my head. everything needs to be analyzed, so i will know when to make my decisions. i leave so little room for choice in my life. choices are too important, i won't allow for arbitrary outcomes. when i make a decision, i needs to be correct. i usually know the outcome months in advance.
so what is the choice du jour? what do i see in my crystal ball? i definitely see change. i see my current job supressing me. i am in the depressed funk i haven't really had since starflower, at least the times at starflower i was working 40 hours a week. it is the same combination of the physical exhaustion caused by field work and the mental exhaustion caused by office stupidity, rolled into one tight little stress ball. it absorbed my entire life. there is no room for anything else. i use up all of my fighting spirit on the phones each day, arguing with idiots. i come home and just want peace, sweet nothingness.
all i need is my excuse to leave. i can stick it out until then. i am pretty sure that cutting weed out of my budget has put me back in the black. staying at work means i should be making money. it still seems like i am treading water, that my bank account fluctuates between the same three numbers, and that is a horrible feeling. when i do leave, i have options, other options than those i can't mention. unfortunately, most of them involve me selling my car, which probably is a smart idea anyways. i really don't need a car beyond work, and i really don't need to spend as much money on gas and insurance as i do. i could open up a whole new world of flexability by getting a job close to my house and cutting out those expenses.
so that is the plan. quit, sell my car, and take it from there. right now there are two places in walking distance that would both require siginficant pay cuts. but they would free up so much time. just cutting out all of the time i spend commuting, literally hours a day, would be huge. as much as i love my car, it is ultimately replaceable. it would free my mind completely.
with that cash influx, i would have months worth of savings. the only real question is, how much time do i dedicate soley to my book before i find a new job?
losing a regular paycheck is a very scary prospect though. i don't know why i am so afraid, it has never hurt me before. maybe that is why. i feel complacent towards a potential freefall towards the 0 line. the margin between where i am now and debt is so thin as it is, that a few misteps will leave me in a bad position. there is really no need for that, but would it be a worse position than i am in now? that is always the real question. there are more variables to consider than just money.
meh, blah, mwah, progress, plblbblbt
that is what i have to say today. ben no care. ben beaten into small puddle of meat. ben tired.
where do we go from here? a comment i make so often, it has its own pet comment that always follows it. the options are the same as they usually are. make another lateral, or slightly backwards move for the sake of freshness. the other option isn't even an option. it is seductive, and inevitable, but impossible. it is going to take years of settling before i make that decision, when i have finally resigned myself to the fact that there is truely nothing better available for me. and at the time, it will be the best decision i have ever made, because it will be a huge jump forward for me, as it would be right now. but it will seal my progress. there will be no more forward. it is so tempting, from an earning power standpoint. but if earning power was really the main focus of my life, i would be buried in a box somewhere right now. i have more important things swirling in my head, things that will never be accomidated. which is why it is no option. i refuse to even speak of it.
but, i wouldn't be me if i didn't fully explore every outcome in my head. everything needs to be analyzed, so i will know when to make my decisions. i leave so little room for choice in my life. choices are too important, i won't allow for arbitrary outcomes. when i make a decision, i needs to be correct. i usually know the outcome months in advance.
so what is the choice du jour? what do i see in my crystal ball? i definitely see change. i see my current job supressing me. i am in the depressed funk i haven't really had since starflower, at least the times at starflower i was working 40 hours a week. it is the same combination of the physical exhaustion caused by field work and the mental exhaustion caused by office stupidity, rolled into one tight little stress ball. it absorbed my entire life. there is no room for anything else. i use up all of my fighting spirit on the phones each day, arguing with idiots. i come home and just want peace, sweet nothingness.
all i need is my excuse to leave. i can stick it out until then. i am pretty sure that cutting weed out of my budget has put me back in the black. staying at work means i should be making money. it still seems like i am treading water, that my bank account fluctuates between the same three numbers, and that is a horrible feeling. when i do leave, i have options, other options than those i can't mention. unfortunately, most of them involve me selling my car, which probably is a smart idea anyways. i really don't need a car beyond work, and i really don't need to spend as much money on gas and insurance as i do. i could open up a whole new world of flexability by getting a job close to my house and cutting out those expenses.
so that is the plan. quit, sell my car, and take it from there. right now there are two places in walking distance that would both require siginficant pay cuts. but they would free up so much time. just cutting out all of the time i spend commuting, literally hours a day, would be huge. as much as i love my car, it is ultimately replaceable. it would free my mind completely.
with that cash influx, i would have months worth of savings. the only real question is, how much time do i dedicate soley to my book before i find a new job?
losing a regular paycheck is a very scary prospect though. i don't know why i am so afraid, it has never hurt me before. maybe that is why. i feel complacent towards a potential freefall towards the 0 line. the margin between where i am now and debt is so thin as it is, that a few misteps will leave me in a bad position. there is really no need for that, but would it be a worse position than i am in now? that is always the real question. there are more variables to consider than just money.
