Saturday, August 12, 2006
i am gone. that is the only explaination, i am just gone. i have left. i don't like the paths that are immediately open too me, so i have left the world. i have created my own world for me. something inside of me, something basic and unavoidable is rejecting the things i see around me. so i am gone. i am futilely waiting for the real world and my own to reunite so i can feel completely right again and continue alongside everyone else. the more time passes, and the more the seperation grows, the more the hope that this will ever happen fades. so my own world grows to accomodate my needs. the only thing i can do is create my own world where things are right, and i am able to live. we all have to find a way to live.
sometimes i still wish that i was still the fake me living in the real world, instead of the real me living in the fake world. there were times where i was amused, if not happy, but eventually my mind tore itself apart.
i deserve a chance to stay alive. the real me, not the fake me i created to deal with the real world, then subsequently destroyed. the real me refuses to deal with it because it has found somewhere that makes more sense. my time outside of my house is just humoring reality out of necessity. if i didn't have to leave, i wouldn't. period. to the rest of the world, i am gone, i have left completely. but to me and my world when i leave reality it means i have finally arrived to the place i want to be. the place i would rather live. a place where the real me can live fully, upright and unhindered instead of cowering underneath the concessions of the real world. concessions that apparently we all must make, but that eat at my mind and my soul. because i feel i have the right to live, and this is the solution i have found that makes life possible. i just wish i could take people with me. maybe someday i will find a way.
sometimes i still wish that i was still the fake me living in the real world, instead of the real me living in the fake world. there were times where i was amused, if not happy, but eventually my mind tore itself apart.
i deserve a chance to stay alive. the real me, not the fake me i created to deal with the real world, then subsequently destroyed. the real me refuses to deal with it because it has found somewhere that makes more sense. my time outside of my house is just humoring reality out of necessity. if i didn't have to leave, i wouldn't. period. to the rest of the world, i am gone, i have left completely. but to me and my world when i leave reality it means i have finally arrived to the place i want to be. the place i would rather live. a place where the real me can live fully, upright and unhindered instead of cowering underneath the concessions of the real world. concessions that apparently we all must make, but that eat at my mind and my soul. because i feel i have the right to live, and this is the solution i have found that makes life possible. i just wish i could take people with me. maybe someday i will find a way.
