Saturday, November 11, 2006
the structure of change.
last night was a great night. it was a strange night, but a great night. we went out, and were social, and acted like a couple. that was fun. but that was not the real last night. i feel we have completely reevaluated things. today i feel so much more at ease with the entire situation.
the last week has been intense. i was entirely caught up in what was happening in every single moment. all i could think about was her, and being with her, and making her feel good in that instant. i did not take the time to step back and question whether what i was doing was appropriate. i have no regrets about the past week, but we both agree it has been way too much way too fast. we are such similar people, that we completely were caught up in the rush of emotions.
i realized that i have to stop making so many assumptions. the fact we are similar does not make us the same. i can't sit here thinking about things, assuming she thinks the same thing. i can't keep talking about the way 'we' are. it is unfair. so i will talk about myself, and what i think. i think i am the type of person who not only feeds off of other people's emotions, but feels emotions so strongly that people around me can't help but get swept up in what i am feeling. i can't help but impose my moods on the people around me. i am constantly trasmitting these things. sometimes i wish there was a way to stop myself from sweeping people along with me. if there is, i haven't figured it out. this is another reason i am solitary. if i am angry, the people around me will be angry. if i am happy, people around me will be happy. the problem is, i can't differentiate between what people are really feeling and those things they are feeling by proxy through me. so i go along with exactly what i am doing, assuming everyone is on board. which they are, at that time. but when i am not there, things go back to normal. then there are problems. it usually take me so long to realize what is going on, that i end up on my own little tangent path, just assuming people are still feeling the same way i do.
i don't know what to do about this. i have been thinking about this all night and all morning. the only thing i can really come up with is constant honest communication. real honest communication, not communication to justify my feelings. because when i am unsure, and i am still trying to convince myself of things, that is when my emotional state can become unintentionally manipulative. i don't like feeling that. i can't think of many things that make me feel worse than that moment when i realize that someone else was feeling something i was primarily because i planted it in their head. because then i have to watch them dissemble this intense feeling, and watch it slip through their grasp, and see the confusion on their face when they question whether it was really their true feelings at all.
one thing i can say without making any assumptions, is that she feels things as intensely as i do. i am not sure, but i am guessing that she has the same problems. and that is what has made things so crazy. we are both sitting here trasmitting things to eachother, amplifying them, and sending them back. there was no end in sight. i know i didn't want to stop it for anything. we have a connection like i have never felt. we are both rare people. i can admit that i see myself as something more. some of that is ego, but not all of it. there is something about me that makes me different. this makes it hard for me to find a connection with anyone at all. finding someone like me, and female to boot, seemed impossible. i never thought it would happen, i didn't think there was someone out there like me. but the more we get to know eachother, the more we realize how similar we are. this is terrifying. not only because it is so wonderful, and it is painful to think about what would happen if things slipped away, but also because of the things we know about ourselves. we share the good and the bad. we are dark and twisty people. we try to hold it inside, to keep it from leaking out and screwing with our lives. but when we are together, it all comes rushing to the surface. our dark thoughts are left in plain view.
but for me, the really scary thing is how little it bothers me. the fact that i can tell her things that i have never told matt or ryan, and she can tell me things that leave her so emotionally exposed to me. that i don't mind. we could let the dark half our personalities control ourselves. last night, i realized how uneasy i make her feel, and rightfully so. i could see her struggle with the fact that i have all of the bad traits she is always attracted to and that lead her to certain heartbreak. because we are the way we are, things are going to be more difficult. the potential for hurt is unthinkably huge. if i had met her three years ago, we would have been a recipe for certain disaster.
i have to find a way to show her who i really am. the person i am now. i have to show her the peace i have found. i have to make her believe that there can be a balance between the good and the bad, or else she will end up hurting me before i can hurt her. if she doesn't believe that i have the self-control to keep my dark and twisty side from breaking through and wreaking havoc whenever it wants, then my presence will be detrimental to her. that is where i veer away from the people like me she has always known. i have come to grips with who i am. i own the fact that genious is always balanced by insanity. i know the things i am capable of, but i have risen above the two warring sides of my personality and found a sort of impartiality. i can see both sides of myself at the same time. it would be easy if i had the genious without the crazy. but if that was the case, i wouldn't be who i am. the crazy part of me enhances my intelligence. it is where i draw my humor, my sponteniety, my mental flexiblity, my creativity and ultimately my burgeoning intuition. i can't imagine myself without these things. they are such an essential part of who i am.
all i can do is keep being me. i don't know any other way to live. i don't wish i had acted differently this week. i don't think i could have. i can completely see her misgivings. it is easy to see how my genuine efforts to make her happy could seem sinister in motive. they may not have been meant that way, but they were based on a lot of assumption, disregarding whether the assumptions were true or not. i admit, i lose track of what i have said, and what i have thought. so much of what she says rings true, that i feel like i said it to her instead. i need to stop leaving conversations one-sided. i need to communicate what i think more, instead of just acting on those thoughts as if they make perfect sense. in proper context, they do. but my good intentions can turn against me when they are they are taken out of context.
basically it boils down to this. i have been taking a lot of things for granted. i have been working on a lot of assumptions. and, i have been building this vision of her in my head, based on who i am and the way i feel about her. i have been putting an extraordinary amount of pressure on the both of us. but we talked about it. we laid a lot of things on the table, honestly, and with the best intentions. we both feel what we feel. we both know that there is connection unlike anything we have felt before. and for people like us, dark and twisty people who have not only been hurt deeply, but hurt other people ourselves, this is a very scary prospect. it is not something to be treated whimisically, as if it made all the sense in the world, and that just by being together everything will be perfect and happy. we have a chance for something special, a deep an meaningful relationship that elevates both of us. but it will never have a chance to grow if we aren't honest about it, and honest about eachother.
so, today i am feeling strangely comfortable. i don't feel i need to worry so much, like i was last week. things were, in fact, on the verge of flying out of our control. that much wasn't my imagination, and i am glad, because i really had no idea what was happening. but we both realized it, we both don't want that to happen. we want to be together. we want to be together so much, we were both willing to completely give ourselves over to these intense, but frightening emotions we were feeling for an entire week without hesitating. i don't believe that is just an assumption.
last week was great. last week was intense, but great. i am not sure i will ever fully understand everything that happened. but it did, and we are still here. we have another week next week to see where things go. today i am breathing a sigh of relief. i was in a freefall. i even said i was going to do it. i jumped headfirst, and didn't ask questions. the fact that i was able to do so, to submit control like that is nothing short of amazing, when i think back. i don't do that. i don't just blindly move into things. i always want to know exactly how things are going to happen. i usually can't bring myself to just jump like that. but i did, and i survived. i am back on my feet, and she is still there. it would be an easy thing to say i am scared, and walk away. in the past, i probably already would have. but i have grown. i am a strong person. i am a good person. now, i want to know what happens next week. i want to see where things go from here. and honestly, i have no idea what is going to happen. but i am still going to keep moving forward, with the perspective i have gained, and the memory of the brilliant emotions we have already felt together. the two of us together. if i end up being hurt, so be it. if we premptively cave in under the assumption that our dark and twisty sides are going to take over and corrupt us, we will both be hurt no matter what.
but i am an optomist
last night was a great night. it was a strange night, but a great night. we went out, and were social, and acted like a couple. that was fun. but that was not the real last night. i feel we have completely reevaluated things. today i feel so much more at ease with the entire situation.
the last week has been intense. i was entirely caught up in what was happening in every single moment. all i could think about was her, and being with her, and making her feel good in that instant. i did not take the time to step back and question whether what i was doing was appropriate. i have no regrets about the past week, but we both agree it has been way too much way too fast. we are such similar people, that we completely were caught up in the rush of emotions.
i realized that i have to stop making so many assumptions. the fact we are similar does not make us the same. i can't sit here thinking about things, assuming she thinks the same thing. i can't keep talking about the way 'we' are. it is unfair. so i will talk about myself, and what i think. i think i am the type of person who not only feeds off of other people's emotions, but feels emotions so strongly that people around me can't help but get swept up in what i am feeling. i can't help but impose my moods on the people around me. i am constantly trasmitting these things. sometimes i wish there was a way to stop myself from sweeping people along with me. if there is, i haven't figured it out. this is another reason i am solitary. if i am angry, the people around me will be angry. if i am happy, people around me will be happy. the problem is, i can't differentiate between what people are really feeling and those things they are feeling by proxy through me. so i go along with exactly what i am doing, assuming everyone is on board. which they are, at that time. but when i am not there, things go back to normal. then there are problems. it usually take me so long to realize what is going on, that i end up on my own little tangent path, just assuming people are still feeling the same way i do.
i don't know what to do about this. i have been thinking about this all night and all morning. the only thing i can really come up with is constant honest communication. real honest communication, not communication to justify my feelings. because when i am unsure, and i am still trying to convince myself of things, that is when my emotional state can become unintentionally manipulative. i don't like feeling that. i can't think of many things that make me feel worse than that moment when i realize that someone else was feeling something i was primarily because i planted it in their head. because then i have to watch them dissemble this intense feeling, and watch it slip through their grasp, and see the confusion on their face when they question whether it was really their true feelings at all.
one thing i can say without making any assumptions, is that she feels things as intensely as i do. i am not sure, but i am guessing that she has the same problems. and that is what has made things so crazy. we are both sitting here trasmitting things to eachother, amplifying them, and sending them back. there was no end in sight. i know i didn't want to stop it for anything. we have a connection like i have never felt. we are both rare people. i can admit that i see myself as something more. some of that is ego, but not all of it. there is something about me that makes me different. this makes it hard for me to find a connection with anyone at all. finding someone like me, and female to boot, seemed impossible. i never thought it would happen, i didn't think there was someone out there like me. but the more we get to know eachother, the more we realize how similar we are. this is terrifying. not only because it is so wonderful, and it is painful to think about what would happen if things slipped away, but also because of the things we know about ourselves. we share the good and the bad. we are dark and twisty people. we try to hold it inside, to keep it from leaking out and screwing with our lives. but when we are together, it all comes rushing to the surface. our dark thoughts are left in plain view.
but for me, the really scary thing is how little it bothers me. the fact that i can tell her things that i have never told matt or ryan, and she can tell me things that leave her so emotionally exposed to me. that i don't mind. we could let the dark half our personalities control ourselves. last night, i realized how uneasy i make her feel, and rightfully so. i could see her struggle with the fact that i have all of the bad traits she is always attracted to and that lead her to certain heartbreak. because we are the way we are, things are going to be more difficult. the potential for hurt is unthinkably huge. if i had met her three years ago, we would have been a recipe for certain disaster.
i have to find a way to show her who i really am. the person i am now. i have to show her the peace i have found. i have to make her believe that there can be a balance between the good and the bad, or else she will end up hurting me before i can hurt her. if she doesn't believe that i have the self-control to keep my dark and twisty side from breaking through and wreaking havoc whenever it wants, then my presence will be detrimental to her. that is where i veer away from the people like me she has always known. i have come to grips with who i am. i own the fact that genious is always balanced by insanity. i know the things i am capable of, but i have risen above the two warring sides of my personality and found a sort of impartiality. i can see both sides of myself at the same time. it would be easy if i had the genious without the crazy. but if that was the case, i wouldn't be who i am. the crazy part of me enhances my intelligence. it is where i draw my humor, my sponteniety, my mental flexiblity, my creativity and ultimately my burgeoning intuition. i can't imagine myself without these things. they are such an essential part of who i am.
all i can do is keep being me. i don't know any other way to live. i don't wish i had acted differently this week. i don't think i could have. i can completely see her misgivings. it is easy to see how my genuine efforts to make her happy could seem sinister in motive. they may not have been meant that way, but they were based on a lot of assumption, disregarding whether the assumptions were true or not. i admit, i lose track of what i have said, and what i have thought. so much of what she says rings true, that i feel like i said it to her instead. i need to stop leaving conversations one-sided. i need to communicate what i think more, instead of just acting on those thoughts as if they make perfect sense. in proper context, they do. but my good intentions can turn against me when they are they are taken out of context.
basically it boils down to this. i have been taking a lot of things for granted. i have been working on a lot of assumptions. and, i have been building this vision of her in my head, based on who i am and the way i feel about her. i have been putting an extraordinary amount of pressure on the both of us. but we talked about it. we laid a lot of things on the table, honestly, and with the best intentions. we both feel what we feel. we both know that there is connection unlike anything we have felt before. and for people like us, dark and twisty people who have not only been hurt deeply, but hurt other people ourselves, this is a very scary prospect. it is not something to be treated whimisically, as if it made all the sense in the world, and that just by being together everything will be perfect and happy. we have a chance for something special, a deep an meaningful relationship that elevates both of us. but it will never have a chance to grow if we aren't honest about it, and honest about eachother.
so, today i am feeling strangely comfortable. i don't feel i need to worry so much, like i was last week. things were, in fact, on the verge of flying out of our control. that much wasn't my imagination, and i am glad, because i really had no idea what was happening. but we both realized it, we both don't want that to happen. we want to be together. we want to be together so much, we were both willing to completely give ourselves over to these intense, but frightening emotions we were feeling for an entire week without hesitating. i don't believe that is just an assumption.
last week was great. last week was intense, but great. i am not sure i will ever fully understand everything that happened. but it did, and we are still here. we have another week next week to see where things go. today i am breathing a sigh of relief. i was in a freefall. i even said i was going to do it. i jumped headfirst, and didn't ask questions. the fact that i was able to do so, to submit control like that is nothing short of amazing, when i think back. i don't do that. i don't just blindly move into things. i always want to know exactly how things are going to happen. i usually can't bring myself to just jump like that. but i did, and i survived. i am back on my feet, and she is still there. it would be an easy thing to say i am scared, and walk away. in the past, i probably already would have. but i have grown. i am a strong person. i am a good person. now, i want to know what happens next week. i want to see where things go from here. and honestly, i have no idea what is going to happen. but i am still going to keep moving forward, with the perspective i have gained, and the memory of the brilliant emotions we have already felt together. the two of us together. if i end up being hurt, so be it. if we premptively cave in under the assumption that our dark and twisty sides are going to take over and corrupt us, we will both be hurt no matter what.
but i am an optomist
