Thursday, November 30, 2006
knowledge and action.
things would be so easy if i knew who to be all the time. i could make things easier for myself if i didn't try to be so many things at once. i try to bounce off every situation. i don't know why i am afraid of not knowing. it isn't like it isn't painfully obvious. i don't just shrug it off, like i try to make myself believe i do, at least not successfully. usually i retreat. it is just uncomfortable, and confusing, and it doesn't really have to happen. it is a self perpetuating attitude my mind adpots. a situation my mind creates because it is afraid of the truth. when i refuse to acknowledge that truth, that i don't know, i seal myself. i can't gain the knowledge that might help me. it makes action impossible.
there is knowledge i need. the things i need to learn are right in front of me. they are literally bouncing off of my head. i couldn't avoid them if i tried. but i stand frozen on the verge of action, trying to know what to do instead of moving in any direction. that is what i need to learn. it is there for me to learn. i am so focused on how it reflects on me to not know something, that i stand with my back to the solution i am worrying over. if i turned around and did something, anything, i would learn the things i need to know. action is the first step. that is what i need to worry about, just movement. because i don't know. i am not going to be fooling anyone by acting like i know what i am doing in any given situation before i have any relevent experience with it. it is the experience that will lead to the knowledge i need, not the assumptions i try to prepare myself with.
i don't want excuses, i need more than that. i am too many things sometimes simply because i can be so many things. i hope the right way to be will just come to me, so i float my vague, shifting attitude into the situation and hope some hint will shake out before i am exposed. it is lazy. it betrays a complete lack of focus, and it really doesn't matter in the first place. i don't have to be the right person all the time. i don't have to have the right answer, or the right witty thing to say. i don't have to know everything. i don't have to react correctly every time, and i don't have to understand every situation i am in. perspective is gained afterwards, not by analyzing things that haven't happened.
i need to act if i want something. think later, when there is actually something to consider. i already know what is in my way, and i know it is my own creation. if i can just keep moving, my concerns will erode with time, and become points of strength. once my attention has successfully diverted and there is progress, i will grow, and i will improve. it just won't happen on its own.
things would be so easy if i knew who to be all the time. i could make things easier for myself if i didn't try to be so many things at once. i try to bounce off every situation. i don't know why i am afraid of not knowing. it isn't like it isn't painfully obvious. i don't just shrug it off, like i try to make myself believe i do, at least not successfully. usually i retreat. it is just uncomfortable, and confusing, and it doesn't really have to happen. it is a self perpetuating attitude my mind adpots. a situation my mind creates because it is afraid of the truth. when i refuse to acknowledge that truth, that i don't know, i seal myself. i can't gain the knowledge that might help me. it makes action impossible.
there is knowledge i need. the things i need to learn are right in front of me. they are literally bouncing off of my head. i couldn't avoid them if i tried. but i stand frozen on the verge of action, trying to know what to do instead of moving in any direction. that is what i need to learn. it is there for me to learn. i am so focused on how it reflects on me to not know something, that i stand with my back to the solution i am worrying over. if i turned around and did something, anything, i would learn the things i need to know. action is the first step. that is what i need to worry about, just movement. because i don't know. i am not going to be fooling anyone by acting like i know what i am doing in any given situation before i have any relevent experience with it. it is the experience that will lead to the knowledge i need, not the assumptions i try to prepare myself with.
i don't want excuses, i need more than that. i am too many things sometimes simply because i can be so many things. i hope the right way to be will just come to me, so i float my vague, shifting attitude into the situation and hope some hint will shake out before i am exposed. it is lazy. it betrays a complete lack of focus, and it really doesn't matter in the first place. i don't have to be the right person all the time. i don't have to have the right answer, or the right witty thing to say. i don't have to know everything. i don't have to react correctly every time, and i don't have to understand every situation i am in. perspective is gained afterwards, not by analyzing things that haven't happened.
i need to act if i want something. think later, when there is actually something to consider. i already know what is in my way, and i know it is my own creation. if i can just keep moving, my concerns will erode with time, and become points of strength. once my attention has successfully diverted and there is progress, i will grow, and i will improve. it just won't happen on its own.
