Tuesday, November 21, 2006
i need to write. i don't know what about yet, but i need to write something. maybe about what i need, and why i need to write
things seem to be changing. if i don't even try to figure out how it is changing me, i am not being myself. my life is suddenly better than i remember it being. when Christi walked into my life, everything instantly improved. i am constantly intruiged by this woman. the more i find out about her, the more i want to know. she surprises me every time i see her. and she likes me. she likes me. the core of me. the things i can't change, or won't change. she knows i am a goof. she knows i'm wierd, and that i will act like an idiot whenever i am given the chance. but she still likes me. she cares about me. it is a simple thing, but it means so much to me.
people used to look at me like i was crazy when i told them that i was a romantic. i didn't care that they didn't believe me. they inevitably asked how i could be alone all the time if i was a romantic. i never understood the question. i thought the question answered itself. it goes right to the essence of romance, in my opinion. if you don't have someone to really care about, how can do anything but be alone?
the simple fact is, i am fine being alone. it doesn't really bother me. i would rather be alone than involved in something i don't believe in. two years ago, in November 2004, i said something that has stuck with me. i was talking about this same topic. when talking about being alone, and how solitude was an important part of who i am, i said "what does that make me want? someone i don't mind being alone around, and who doesn't mind being alone around me." at the time i tried to shrug it off as simpleminded rambling. it is a contradictory idea. but now it is starting to make sense. i understand the idea that was trying to form in my mind.
she tries to make me feel comfortable. no, she goes out of her way to make me feel comfortable around her. whether she knows it or not, she has a knack for heading off my nonsense before it has a chance to develop. when it does, she always points it out, so we are both fully aware of how idiotic i am being. even when i do something unnecessarily stupid, something dumb just for the sake of humoring my whims, she still smiles at me. it almost feels like as long as i know and i don't care, she is ok with it. because these things happen. i generally let my mind have free reign of what i am doing. i don't try to force it into a controlled little box anymore. most of the time things go fine, but i definitely have a random element to my personality that will lead to certain... irregularities...
but despite all that, things still seem right. even when she tells me i am dumb, i feel like i am doing things right. it isn't about making mistakes or screwing things up. insecurities about things like that would manifest themselves as real problems. that is the thing, i don't feel insecure when it comes to her. i don't feel any pressure, i just feel good. i just want her to love me.
it is now midnight. i sat here in silence staring at that last sentence for 4 whole minutes, because right after i wrote it, she sent me a message saying exactly that. that she loves me. i don't know what to say. i don't think there is anything more too say tonight. she is what i need, and why i needed to write tonight. she finished this blog for me, the blog i wrote for her. it is almost cruel of me to wait for her to read this on her own, but now i think she will enjoy it even more.
things seem to be changing. if i don't even try to figure out how it is changing me, i am not being myself. my life is suddenly better than i remember it being. when Christi walked into my life, everything instantly improved. i am constantly intruiged by this woman. the more i find out about her, the more i want to know. she surprises me every time i see her. and she likes me. she likes me. the core of me. the things i can't change, or won't change. she knows i am a goof. she knows i'm wierd, and that i will act like an idiot whenever i am given the chance. but she still likes me. she cares about me. it is a simple thing, but it means so much to me.
people used to look at me like i was crazy when i told them that i was a romantic. i didn't care that they didn't believe me. they inevitably asked how i could be alone all the time if i was a romantic. i never understood the question. i thought the question answered itself. it goes right to the essence of romance, in my opinion. if you don't have someone to really care about, how can do anything but be alone?
the simple fact is, i am fine being alone. it doesn't really bother me. i would rather be alone than involved in something i don't believe in. two years ago, in November 2004, i said something that has stuck with me. i was talking about this same topic. when talking about being alone, and how solitude was an important part of who i am, i said "what does that make me want? someone i don't mind being alone around, and who doesn't mind being alone around me." at the time i tried to shrug it off as simpleminded rambling. it is a contradictory idea. but now it is starting to make sense. i understand the idea that was trying to form in my mind.
she tries to make me feel comfortable. no, she goes out of her way to make me feel comfortable around her. whether she knows it or not, she has a knack for heading off my nonsense before it has a chance to develop. when it does, she always points it out, so we are both fully aware of how idiotic i am being. even when i do something unnecessarily stupid, something dumb just for the sake of humoring my whims, she still smiles at me. it almost feels like as long as i know and i don't care, she is ok with it. because these things happen. i generally let my mind have free reign of what i am doing. i don't try to force it into a controlled little box anymore. most of the time things go fine, but i definitely have a random element to my personality that will lead to certain... irregularities...
but despite all that, things still seem right. even when she tells me i am dumb, i feel like i am doing things right. it isn't about making mistakes or screwing things up. insecurities about things like that would manifest themselves as real problems. that is the thing, i don't feel insecure when it comes to her. i don't feel any pressure, i just feel good. i just want her to love me.
it is now midnight. i sat here in silence staring at that last sentence for 4 whole minutes, because right after i wrote it, she sent me a message saying exactly that. that she loves me. i don't know what to say. i don't think there is anything more too say tonight. she is what i need, and why i needed to write tonight. she finished this blog for me, the blog i wrote for her. it is almost cruel of me to wait for her to read this on her own, but now i think she will enjoy it even more.
