Saturday, November 18, 2006
there is a part of me that doesn't want to blog until ryan gets us through monday. he said it on friday, and i believe it: what he is doing is important. i am on the edge of my seat, because i am learning from those posts, about him and myself at the same time. life is study!
certain people have a little gateway into my mind. certain people just think like me. i have been thinking about what attracts me to other people, and intelligence is something that keeps floating into my mind. to pique my interest, you have to be smart. i look at the people who i end up being the closest with, and they are all very much like myself, and very intelligent. my favorite people are all geniuses in their own right. they probably struggle with this fact at much as i do, but it ends up being true.
my mind is fickle, but certain people draw me like a magnet. people who can see through the facade, and let me be comfortable as myself. i have created such a complete persona to serve as an outer shell that it takes an intelligent person to even recognize that there are layers underneath. that shell isn't even a bad thing. it isn't so much fake; it is definitely me. it just isn't all of me. it is the part i can trust anyone to see. i think it takes someone like me, someone with layers of their own, to be curious enough and interested enough to care about the rest. because that is the good stuff, the stuff i think about and try to cultivate. the stuff that makes me smile. suddendly after writing this out, i am wondering if that is why i built myself this way in the first place, to find 'my' people, people who will actually be a part of my life instead of just existing the same general space.
the funny thing is, i live inside the shell all the time, so i don't realize how much i am hiding. i take for granted that people can only see what i show them. i think i need to work on sharing more of myself with those people who are actually interested, as openly as i do here where i already know everything anyways, so there is nothing to hide. how else will people be able to learn? wasn't that the purpose to begin with, to share myself with people who might understand? otherwise i am just hiding. it is rare to find someone who is even curious, and i want them to be able to see me as i see myself. that is what they are looking for in the first place, and what i ultimately want them to find.
certain people have a little gateway into my mind. certain people just think like me. i have been thinking about what attracts me to other people, and intelligence is something that keeps floating into my mind. to pique my interest, you have to be smart. i look at the people who i end up being the closest with, and they are all very much like myself, and very intelligent. my favorite people are all geniuses in their own right. they probably struggle with this fact at much as i do, but it ends up being true.
my mind is fickle, but certain people draw me like a magnet. people who can see through the facade, and let me be comfortable as myself. i have created such a complete persona to serve as an outer shell that it takes an intelligent person to even recognize that there are layers underneath. that shell isn't even a bad thing. it isn't so much fake; it is definitely me. it just isn't all of me. it is the part i can trust anyone to see. i think it takes someone like me, someone with layers of their own, to be curious enough and interested enough to care about the rest. because that is the good stuff, the stuff i think about and try to cultivate. the stuff that makes me smile. suddendly after writing this out, i am wondering if that is why i built myself this way in the first place, to find 'my' people, people who will actually be a part of my life instead of just existing the same general space.
the funny thing is, i live inside the shell all the time, so i don't realize how much i am hiding. i take for granted that people can only see what i show them. i think i need to work on sharing more of myself with those people who are actually interested, as openly as i do here where i already know everything anyways, so there is nothing to hide. how else will people be able to learn? wasn't that the purpose to begin with, to share myself with people who might understand? otherwise i am just hiding. it is rare to find someone who is even curious, and i want them to be able to see me as i see myself. that is what they are looking for in the first place, and what i ultimately want them to find.
