Friday, December 15, 2006
before i even start let me say blah, enough with the melodrama already.
i will be as brief as possible
tonight was a night that ended so poorly, it begins the next day on a fucked up note. tonight i saw something in my girlfriend's face that i never wanted to see. tonight i made her feel something i am sure she never wanted to feel again. moments of sheer panic. moments completely out of control, and beyond reconcile. that is what i brought to the party tonight. and since i know this will be technically finished tomorrow, this is how i am starting both of our mornings. i am not quite sure how to say it any clearer. it was terrible. it ended a terrible day for both of us and on a worse note, it managed to potentially screw up a friday in the process, something that should not be possible.
i am not sure how i managed to propel my shitty night down the course i did. i feel bad that it turned into our shitty night. i know i earned my penance. i deserved to be followed by hookers and stopped by the cops with a loaded pipe on the way home. that was trivial. the wierd thing is, someone will actually be pleased to hear i am home in one piece. they will also probably be pleased to hear that i deserved this walk home, which is more along the lines of how i feel. my walks to work from the transit station in bellevue started as a penance. i walked because of what i felt i had done to my car. at that point, when i started taking the bus, part of me believed my car would never wake up again. it was what i had earned for destroying my poor car. since then, i have begun to enjoy my walks, but tonight was different. i earned my walk tonight, and i knew it. tonight was not something i enjoyed. tonight, i felt worse because i knew it was because of me. it was all because of me, again. things could have just been middling to crappy, before i had to put my own distinct disaterous stamp on the day. and i couldn't do anything else. i am my flawed self.
tomorrow will be friday. it will be work, it will be the 15th and by definition crappy for me, but could be ok for us if i manage to leave work behind. if i make it through i might earn the chance to see my girlfriend again. if i don't manage to fuck up friday any more than i have already, tomorrow could still turn out well. we are home, we are safe, and we are not stuck in bellevue. that is where i am at. i just hope she is already asleep at this point.
i will be as brief as possible
tonight was a night that ended so poorly, it begins the next day on a fucked up note. tonight i saw something in my girlfriend's face that i never wanted to see. tonight i made her feel something i am sure she never wanted to feel again. moments of sheer panic. moments completely out of control, and beyond reconcile. that is what i brought to the party tonight. and since i know this will be technically finished tomorrow, this is how i am starting both of our mornings. i am not quite sure how to say it any clearer. it was terrible. it ended a terrible day for both of us and on a worse note, it managed to potentially screw up a friday in the process, something that should not be possible.
i am not sure how i managed to propel my shitty night down the course i did. i feel bad that it turned into our shitty night. i know i earned my penance. i deserved to be followed by hookers and stopped by the cops with a loaded pipe on the way home. that was trivial. the wierd thing is, someone will actually be pleased to hear i am home in one piece. they will also probably be pleased to hear that i deserved this walk home, which is more along the lines of how i feel. my walks to work from the transit station in bellevue started as a penance. i walked because of what i felt i had done to my car. at that point, when i started taking the bus, part of me believed my car would never wake up again. it was what i had earned for destroying my poor car. since then, i have begun to enjoy my walks, but tonight was different. i earned my walk tonight, and i knew it. tonight was not something i enjoyed. tonight, i felt worse because i knew it was because of me. it was all because of me, again. things could have just been middling to crappy, before i had to put my own distinct disaterous stamp on the day. and i couldn't do anything else. i am my flawed self.
tomorrow will be friday. it will be work, it will be the 15th and by definition crappy for me, but could be ok for us if i manage to leave work behind. if i make it through i might earn the chance to see my girlfriend again. if i don't manage to fuck up friday any more than i have already, tomorrow could still turn out well. we are home, we are safe, and we are not stuck in bellevue. that is where i am at. i just hope she is already asleep at this point.
