Sunday, December 10, 2006
i feel a little short-circuited. i feel like i need to knock my brain out for a few hours, to break it out of its state of constant use, or overuse as the case may be. so many things are changing so fast, that i think it is wearing down. i have thrown myself into a sequence of events that could lead to a lot of changes, not just my personal life, but my job, my living situation, the goals i want to achieve, and how i want to achieve them. i don't know why everything is happening right now. It is just life's way of challenging me. like it is saying, 'you can have all these things if you survive them, and find a way to juggle them all.' my brain has responded. it launched itself into motion. it has been revving higher lately on a more consistant basis than i remember in a long time. it has been active, and it has been efficient and productive, and generally just happy to be of use. in the last two weeks or so, it has started to feel the strain of near constant use. at work, i haven't even been able to finish my crossword puzzles. even more, i can feel it. i can feel the fuzzy feeling in my temples that blocks me from focusing on things too hard. i feel the little tingling strip on the back of my head running up from my spine that makes my movements lethargic. i feel the knots in my neck that run down my shoulders, and up along the ridge between my ears that leave me tense and erode my attention span.
i don't know why everything is happening now. i see the person it could potentially be shaping into, and what facets are caused by which changes. i don't know how everything is going to fall into place though. i can see five main things that are suddenly thrust into the forefront. my job, my love life, my home, my family and friends, and my book. the next thing i need to focus on is my work situation. this is the largest potential change, in my opinion. i see work as something you do because it makes everything else possible. without work, nothing else here would be possible. work is the thing my future hinges on. instead of being a single dispatcher in bellevue living in greenwood with one roomate, with little interaction beyond said roomate, writing a book in what little free time i have after spending 12 hours a day getting to work and back, i could be doing autocad work downtown, living close to downtown, and spending my substantially increased amount of free time with my girlfriend, my friends and family, and my book.
this depends on a lot of ifs, but it doesn't take a whole lot of extrapolation to get there. i don't know how much my current situation can support. i know the quality of the work i have been doing on my book has suffered already, because i don't have the mental resources to dedicate too it. a new job with better pay not in bellevue would be a huge step towards being able to have all of these things. it deserves more focus, because right now it is just a potential opportunity.
it is just going to take some work to keep everything moving. there is more i have had to worry about lately. my mind has responded, my heart has responded, but my actions are lagging behind. my little conscious core is a little overwhelmed. it can't fall back on stoned as the constant and default emotion anymore. instead of strolling through life, i have started huddling like a lamb, waiting to be herded. my pace has just been off. i need to adjust my mindset, so i can get back to my regular life, hopefully with all of these new things added. i need to get back to the little things that kept the pace of my day managable, and my mind at ease. like this morning, i couldn't sleep. so i got up, and did my stretching and exercise to calm myself down. it was wonderful. it was almost meditative going through these familiar motions, and feeling my muscles respond like they should. my tension completely eased away. my mind dimmed itself to a dull roar, and i went back to sleep. things would pop into my thoughts every now and then while i was laying there, but i pretty much just dropped right off. my muscles were relaxed, my mind was relaxed, and i was able to just lay there peacefully and fall asleep. it brought me back to who i am, and what my philosophy toward life is. life at my pace. life at a pace that keeps both my mind and my body at ease. a pace that i feel comfortable with.
if i spend my time constantly out of my comfort zone, no matter how flexible i am and how quickly i adapt, i will eventually burn out, and my mind and my body will rebel against me. if i don't have anything i do consistantly for myself, and for my own stability, i am just going to be thrown around. and that is what has happened. i have been focusing on everything that is new because, well, it is new and interesting. all my little personal quirks and habits have been sidelined because i have been trying to wrestle all these other things into submission. i can't do it all at once. i can't focus on everything at the same time. i have completely left one of my main tenets behind, allowing things to work at their own pace, and flowing around them. so it is time to regroup a little. to let things assimilate instead of having them take over. things are changing, and things have been crazy, and will get crazier, but so far i have survived. so far the first part of the life's latest challenge is being met. i followed a certain path to this point. the fact that i've made it somewhere is no reason to switch directions entirely. it just doesn't make sense. no sense i tell you! alright, i am yelling in character inside my head, that usually signals the end of any useful train of thought.
i don't know why everything is happening now. i see the person it could potentially be shaping into, and what facets are caused by which changes. i don't know how everything is going to fall into place though. i can see five main things that are suddenly thrust into the forefront. my job, my love life, my home, my family and friends, and my book. the next thing i need to focus on is my work situation. this is the largest potential change, in my opinion. i see work as something you do because it makes everything else possible. without work, nothing else here would be possible. work is the thing my future hinges on. instead of being a single dispatcher in bellevue living in greenwood with one roomate, with little interaction beyond said roomate, writing a book in what little free time i have after spending 12 hours a day getting to work and back, i could be doing autocad work downtown, living close to downtown, and spending my substantially increased amount of free time with my girlfriend, my friends and family, and my book.
this depends on a lot of ifs, but it doesn't take a whole lot of extrapolation to get there. i don't know how much my current situation can support. i know the quality of the work i have been doing on my book has suffered already, because i don't have the mental resources to dedicate too it. a new job with better pay not in bellevue would be a huge step towards being able to have all of these things. it deserves more focus, because right now it is just a potential opportunity.
it is just going to take some work to keep everything moving. there is more i have had to worry about lately. my mind has responded, my heart has responded, but my actions are lagging behind. my little conscious core is a little overwhelmed. it can't fall back on stoned as the constant and default emotion anymore. instead of strolling through life, i have started huddling like a lamb, waiting to be herded. my pace has just been off. i need to adjust my mindset, so i can get back to my regular life, hopefully with all of these new things added. i need to get back to the little things that kept the pace of my day managable, and my mind at ease. like this morning, i couldn't sleep. so i got up, and did my stretching and exercise to calm myself down. it was wonderful. it was almost meditative going through these familiar motions, and feeling my muscles respond like they should. my tension completely eased away. my mind dimmed itself to a dull roar, and i went back to sleep. things would pop into my thoughts every now and then while i was laying there, but i pretty much just dropped right off. my muscles were relaxed, my mind was relaxed, and i was able to just lay there peacefully and fall asleep. it brought me back to who i am, and what my philosophy toward life is. life at my pace. life at a pace that keeps both my mind and my body at ease. a pace that i feel comfortable with.
if i spend my time constantly out of my comfort zone, no matter how flexible i am and how quickly i adapt, i will eventually burn out, and my mind and my body will rebel against me. if i don't have anything i do consistantly for myself, and for my own stability, i am just going to be thrown around. and that is what has happened. i have been focusing on everything that is new because, well, it is new and interesting. all my little personal quirks and habits have been sidelined because i have been trying to wrestle all these other things into submission. i can't do it all at once. i can't focus on everything at the same time. i have completely left one of my main tenets behind, allowing things to work at their own pace, and flowing around them. so it is time to regroup a little. to let things assimilate instead of having them take over. things are changing, and things have been crazy, and will get crazier, but so far i have survived. so far the first part of the life's latest challenge is being met. i followed a certain path to this point. the fact that i've made it somewhere is no reason to switch directions entirely. it just doesn't make sense. no sense i tell you! alright, i am yelling in character inside my head, that usually signals the end of any useful train of thought.
