Thursday, January 04, 2007
well, happy new year everyone. i told matt a week or so ago, i wish i had met her two or three girlfriends from now. we both knew. we both knew one week in that eventually one of us would blow things up, despite the intensity between us. that was what killed it, trying not to let that original feeling slip away. damn, and november was such a great month. at least i had weeks worth of her all but avoiding me to prepare myself for the inevitable. i am writing things now i should have written a while ago, but didn't because i was worried it would be too intense for her again. i wrote every night, and deleted it every night. sometimes i even deleted posts after i had them up, sometimes even hours later.
so, the mantra begins, where do we go from here? suddenly my apprehensions about writing don't matter anymore. what really happened? when i met her, i felt like i was a new man. i felt like i was the man i always wanted to be, like the person i had been growing into was finally being realized. i felt great, and things were going great. i made some dumb mistakes, but not unforgiveable ones. it was mostly my slapstick bad luck shining through. the things i did weren't the actual problem. the problem was showing her i was vulnerable, and that i didn't have everything as together as it first seemed. so she started to pull away, and i got nervous. suddenly the person i always wanted to be wasn't a solution at all, in fact it was a detraction. so i regressed a bit, well, a lot. of course that made things worse, but she didn't want the guy i was turning into, so i didn't know what else to do.
we started seeing less and less of each other until we didn't see each other at all. things were crazy at work for both of us, and it was the middle of the holidays, so i wanted to believe it was just a function of the circumstances around us. i knew i was dead in the water, i just didn't want to be the one to blow things up in case i was just overreacting. i kept myself realistically optomistic, knowing that if there was any chance at all, it would hinge on me acting like nothing was wrong on the off chance that things were actually fine and i was just paranoid. i think she wanted me to break up with her, but that is just an assumption.
so, what have i learned. the past two weeks, i have been mourning the person i was and then abandoned. i felt better than i have in a long time. i want to be that guy again. i want to be that guy from now on. now that i don't have to worry about being too intense and pushing her further away, i can. that may be the silver lining. i can move forward as a new person, just like i wanted too. unfortunately, she won't be there like i hoped. if things still go as planned, i'll still have a new job, a new place to live, and a new girlfriend. it may not be her, but it will be someone. she was the first person to notice me when i decided to rejoin the waking world. i know she felt something for me at one point.
i am really curious how much of that initial connection was her feeding off my emotions. if it was me superimposing my thoughts onto her, does that mean it is it something i can replicate? if it is, does it mean i can sweep anyone off their feet? if i can, i can i reign it in before the pendulum swings back the other way? i am sure there is someone out there waiting for that immediacy. someone who will thrive on an unapologetic, unquestioned beginning, if i actually manage to replicate it. but it will all be moot if i can't control it, and control myself. she made me feel the need to apologize and question, and that is really when things ended. i know it is possible with someone else, if i can learn from the mistakes i made here so it doesn't get to such an uncomfortable point again. i was overzealous, which was perfect for a week, but soon became unnerving.
i still think she is also making a mistake. she shares my penchant for self-destruction. i think mine triggered hers. actually, i think she saw mine start to trigger hers, and simply walked away before it could do any damage. i'm not angry, and i don't resent her, mostly because i can't really blame her. someday when she remembers november and realizes that potential takes patience (and level of effort neither of us could afford to or were willing to exert), i will probably be in my next busted relationship, learning my next set of lessons the hard way.
it is a new year. i like to look at a new year as a clean slate. i was hoping it would mean a clean slate with her, and that we could some how pick up the pieces of december, but that is not going to happen. i am still fucking confused though. i wonder how many times she changed her mind in the past month before finally telling me, or probably more accurately how many times she tried to tell me once she realized it wasn't going anywhere. i felt like i was being tugged in different directions, like i was suspended in midair without anyway to regain purchase to start moving on my own again. i think mostly i am feeling relieved that i know for sure now, because my mind has been running in circles. it sucks, sure, but it sucked more being caught between, second guessing everything, good and bad.
i wish there was more to say. not enough happened. we only lasted one swing of the pendulum.
so, the mantra begins, where do we go from here? suddenly my apprehensions about writing don't matter anymore. what really happened? when i met her, i felt like i was a new man. i felt like i was the man i always wanted to be, like the person i had been growing into was finally being realized. i felt great, and things were going great. i made some dumb mistakes, but not unforgiveable ones. it was mostly my slapstick bad luck shining through. the things i did weren't the actual problem. the problem was showing her i was vulnerable, and that i didn't have everything as together as it first seemed. so she started to pull away, and i got nervous. suddenly the person i always wanted to be wasn't a solution at all, in fact it was a detraction. so i regressed a bit, well, a lot. of course that made things worse, but she didn't want the guy i was turning into, so i didn't know what else to do.
we started seeing less and less of each other until we didn't see each other at all. things were crazy at work for both of us, and it was the middle of the holidays, so i wanted to believe it was just a function of the circumstances around us. i knew i was dead in the water, i just didn't want to be the one to blow things up in case i was just overreacting. i kept myself realistically optomistic, knowing that if there was any chance at all, it would hinge on me acting like nothing was wrong on the off chance that things were actually fine and i was just paranoid. i think she wanted me to break up with her, but that is just an assumption.
so, what have i learned. the past two weeks, i have been mourning the person i was and then abandoned. i felt better than i have in a long time. i want to be that guy again. i want to be that guy from now on. now that i don't have to worry about being too intense and pushing her further away, i can. that may be the silver lining. i can move forward as a new person, just like i wanted too. unfortunately, she won't be there like i hoped. if things still go as planned, i'll still have a new job, a new place to live, and a new girlfriend. it may not be her, but it will be someone. she was the first person to notice me when i decided to rejoin the waking world. i know she felt something for me at one point.
i am really curious how much of that initial connection was her feeding off my emotions. if it was me superimposing my thoughts onto her, does that mean it is it something i can replicate? if it is, does it mean i can sweep anyone off their feet? if i can, i can i reign it in before the pendulum swings back the other way? i am sure there is someone out there waiting for that immediacy. someone who will thrive on an unapologetic, unquestioned beginning, if i actually manage to replicate it. but it will all be moot if i can't control it, and control myself. she made me feel the need to apologize and question, and that is really when things ended. i know it is possible with someone else, if i can learn from the mistakes i made here so it doesn't get to such an uncomfortable point again. i was overzealous, which was perfect for a week, but soon became unnerving.
i still think she is also making a mistake. she shares my penchant for self-destruction. i think mine triggered hers. actually, i think she saw mine start to trigger hers, and simply walked away before it could do any damage. i'm not angry, and i don't resent her, mostly because i can't really blame her. someday when she remembers november and realizes that potential takes patience (and level of effort neither of us could afford to or were willing to exert), i will probably be in my next busted relationship, learning my next set of lessons the hard way.
it is a new year. i like to look at a new year as a clean slate. i was hoping it would mean a clean slate with her, and that we could some how pick up the pieces of december, but that is not going to happen. i am still fucking confused though. i wonder how many times she changed her mind in the past month before finally telling me, or probably more accurately how many times she tried to tell me once she realized it wasn't going anywhere. i felt like i was being tugged in different directions, like i was suspended in midair without anyway to regain purchase to start moving on my own again. i think mostly i am feeling relieved that i know for sure now, because my mind has been running in circles. it sucks, sure, but it sucked more being caught between, second guessing everything, good and bad.
i wish there was more to say. not enough happened. we only lasted one swing of the pendulum.
