Tuesday, May 29, 2007
oops, somehow i managed to miss another day. anyways, we'll boot up again. my p is working, my ' is working, so i am golden. who knows what their deal is.
so, if my characters need to be strong, strike that, if 'i' need to be strong, what exactly does that mean. what traits am i looking for in myself to channel through them. the first thing that springs into mind is an individual sense of morality. not infalliable, because that makes for a boring story, but an adherence to a set of ideals they don't fully grasp, but that grow into a fufilling way of life. a logical set of ideas that they stick to, because they believe in it. it will cause problems, but they will be mostly interpersonal problems. and when they cause real problems, external problems based on faulty information or faulty rationale, it gives them a chance to deconstruct and grow. that will be something fun to go through. those will be the parts that really draw from me specifically. they will need a determination. an unwavering focus on the goal at hand. if they get captured or fooled, it will because they are going up against someone stronger than themselves, and they will need to find away to overcome that obstacle. which brings us to another main tenet, an constant need to grow. every weakness they find, they will turn into a strength. they will not be able to abide something holding them back. it is fun to think about things in terms of scale. when you turn a weakness into a strength, it impacts your overall ability in two ways. you get a dual upgrade, you don't have something holding you back, and you have something new to push you forward. they will need to be able to draw strength from themselves as an individual alone, but also have the compassion and awareness to recognize other people's attentions. they will not be able to do things alone, and spurning someone's attempts to help your cause is a sure way to make an enemy. this will make them natural leaders, which means they will need to balance humility with the pride they have in their abilities. they will need to exude enough strength to draw people too them without becoming arrogant to the point that it skews their common sense. they will also need to grow strong enough to learn restraint, so they don't simply turn into killing machines, but they will be thrown into a life of blood and war, which means to survive they will need to find the resolve to focus on the immediate and brutal defeat of the enemy when fighting is the only option.
phew, that is a nice little list to begin with. there are plenty of core things to build a foundation upon, and plenty of grey areas to find a balance. you can almost feel the mental trials they put themselves through while trying to find the right path through life, when they realize there isn't a black and white answer to everything. it is a start. it is a fairly stereotypical hero-like list, but it is something. it gives them plenty of room to make mistakes, which is i think what building a character is all about. how they overcome their mistakes and grow into a true character based on their experiences. i don't want to know exactly who these people are when i start writing. i want to have a good idea, because i know what i am going to put them through, but i want to wait and see the real outcome of these events, and how they effect their immediate future, and what solutions they find to the specific problems. because i don't have all of that, how could i, at this point?
yah, ? works too. booyah.
i wanted to keep that relatively short, and i did, so i could move on to something not entirely strength related. but now, i realize that this train of thought has been completely dominating my brain lately. these books span several time periods, so the main characters all have some sort of connection to the others. there is a lot built through heritage and liniage. the first text doc i ever started when i decided it would help to get things down on paper had this little paragraph saying something to the effect of "these are the stories of my offspring." i am a major character in these books. i am the narrator, and the absolute being in this world if you will. but more importantly, i am also the original bloodline of these characters, in a sense. that is how i have been looking at it for a few years now, these are my children. i have to watch them grow as individuals, even if they are a part of me. so, my characters are all similar, but they all have very different personalities at this point, because i have had to kind of let them go, and get away from having them all act exactly how i would. so i can watch their traits build, because some of it is genetically linked to me. they are hardcoded to be a certain way because as the creations of my mind, they share my essence. they will struggle against that, and build their own ways, but in the end, they will all end up being drawn back to me, and end up similar to me, just as i am similar to my parents, and their parents, etc. it could be a traumatic experience, but fortunately i know they will ultimately succeed, because i have the power to make it true.
this is why i can't stop searching for answers right now. i need to know that they have the capability to be strong. they need to grow into that strength by basing themselves on various parts of my personality, and if i start them down the wrong path from the beginning, it will end up telling the wrong stories. luckily, i already see strength in all of them. that is the thing, i see them as possessing more strength than i do, which makes me wonder where exactly it comes from. it is partially a selfish endeavor, because if i can create these strong, passionate characters out of versions of myself, i can find the wells of power that grew them inside of me somewhere. i just need to draw the patterns back inside of me, start reverse engineering these ideas until they string themselves back into my head. in need to find the original impetus for these ideas, kind of like my characters will be doing. it is another positive impact of the way i have let this writing process evolve. by believing in the ideas before i completely understood them, by allowing these events to string themselves together, and finding ways for the characters to guide them and cause them, i can deconstruct the patterns, and find the core ideals, the universal values that propel the story. since these stories are entirely mine, and guided by me, universal translates back to personal.
i have always searched inside myself for answers. i should have realized what a tool this would be a long time ago. i may have learned more about myself from these stories i have created than anything else, without really realizing it by incoorporating the ideas and imagery i see as important into one larger train of though. in the end, it will be the epitomy of what i believe and like, my epitomy of cool, my epitomy of strong, my epitomy of love, my epitomy of pain, my epitomy of life up to this point. i don't need proof of this anymore. i know this is true. i can just see myself now, and what i have gained since i started this whole process, and realize what i have gained and how it has effected me. i knew this was important to me, but somehow now after years of attention, i am realizing just how important to me it is. it seems predestined. it seems meant to be, for me to find these things in myself now, as i find myself in the most ideal situation to make this happen i have been in since the process began.
every day i write invigorates me. every day i see my inner voice, the voice that everyone who has ever read anything i have written was ultimately attracted to. there is something undeniable in my writing style. it definitely changes in degree, but when it reaches its peaks, the words don't even matter anymore, because the ideas i am holding in my mind come into total focus, and are portrayed so simply and completely that they are impossible to ignore, and undeniably mine. i think it is one of my greatest strength, my ability to put things down on the page in a way people can understand. it is such a great feeling, when i hold that voice in my head, when the ideas are ringing so clear that my fingers can't keep up. and as much as this is true for other people who are reading, the effect is infinitely larger on my own brain. i can go back and read things, and remember exactly how i was feeling. i can pull all of the inflection, all of the subtle hidden meanings out of blank text. i know how i think. so as much as i am writing these books for other people, the ultimate goal of these books is that moment that i get to read it from front to back myself, and completely and utterly dissolve back into that world, into a story that was built solely to entertain me. that is what i crave. that is my motivation. this is where i am drawing my strength. today is a beautiful day.
so, if my characters need to be strong, strike that, if 'i' need to be strong, what exactly does that mean. what traits am i looking for in myself to channel through them. the first thing that springs into mind is an individual sense of morality. not infalliable, because that makes for a boring story, but an adherence to a set of ideals they don't fully grasp, but that grow into a fufilling way of life. a logical set of ideas that they stick to, because they believe in it. it will cause problems, but they will be mostly interpersonal problems. and when they cause real problems, external problems based on faulty information or faulty rationale, it gives them a chance to deconstruct and grow. that will be something fun to go through. those will be the parts that really draw from me specifically. they will need a determination. an unwavering focus on the goal at hand. if they get captured or fooled, it will because they are going up against someone stronger than themselves, and they will need to find away to overcome that obstacle. which brings us to another main tenet, an constant need to grow. every weakness they find, they will turn into a strength. they will not be able to abide something holding them back. it is fun to think about things in terms of scale. when you turn a weakness into a strength, it impacts your overall ability in two ways. you get a dual upgrade, you don't have something holding you back, and you have something new to push you forward. they will need to be able to draw strength from themselves as an individual alone, but also have the compassion and awareness to recognize other people's attentions. they will not be able to do things alone, and spurning someone's attempts to help your cause is a sure way to make an enemy. this will make them natural leaders, which means they will need to balance humility with the pride they have in their abilities. they will need to exude enough strength to draw people too them without becoming arrogant to the point that it skews their common sense. they will also need to grow strong enough to learn restraint, so they don't simply turn into killing machines, but they will be thrown into a life of blood and war, which means to survive they will need to find the resolve to focus on the immediate and brutal defeat of the enemy when fighting is the only option.
phew, that is a nice little list to begin with. there are plenty of core things to build a foundation upon, and plenty of grey areas to find a balance. you can almost feel the mental trials they put themselves through while trying to find the right path through life, when they realize there isn't a black and white answer to everything. it is a start. it is a fairly stereotypical hero-like list, but it is something. it gives them plenty of room to make mistakes, which is i think what building a character is all about. how they overcome their mistakes and grow into a true character based on their experiences. i don't want to know exactly who these people are when i start writing. i want to have a good idea, because i know what i am going to put them through, but i want to wait and see the real outcome of these events, and how they effect their immediate future, and what solutions they find to the specific problems. because i don't have all of that, how could i, at this point?
yah, ? works too. booyah.
i wanted to keep that relatively short, and i did, so i could move on to something not entirely strength related. but now, i realize that this train of thought has been completely dominating my brain lately. these books span several time periods, so the main characters all have some sort of connection to the others. there is a lot built through heritage and liniage. the first text doc i ever started when i decided it would help to get things down on paper had this little paragraph saying something to the effect of "these are the stories of my offspring." i am a major character in these books. i am the narrator, and the absolute being in this world if you will. but more importantly, i am also the original bloodline of these characters, in a sense. that is how i have been looking at it for a few years now, these are my children. i have to watch them grow as individuals, even if they are a part of me. so, my characters are all similar, but they all have very different personalities at this point, because i have had to kind of let them go, and get away from having them all act exactly how i would. so i can watch their traits build, because some of it is genetically linked to me. they are hardcoded to be a certain way because as the creations of my mind, they share my essence. they will struggle against that, and build their own ways, but in the end, they will all end up being drawn back to me, and end up similar to me, just as i am similar to my parents, and their parents, etc. it could be a traumatic experience, but fortunately i know they will ultimately succeed, because i have the power to make it true.
this is why i can't stop searching for answers right now. i need to know that they have the capability to be strong. they need to grow into that strength by basing themselves on various parts of my personality, and if i start them down the wrong path from the beginning, it will end up telling the wrong stories. luckily, i already see strength in all of them. that is the thing, i see them as possessing more strength than i do, which makes me wonder where exactly it comes from. it is partially a selfish endeavor, because if i can create these strong, passionate characters out of versions of myself, i can find the wells of power that grew them inside of me somewhere. i just need to draw the patterns back inside of me, start reverse engineering these ideas until they string themselves back into my head. in need to find the original impetus for these ideas, kind of like my characters will be doing. it is another positive impact of the way i have let this writing process evolve. by believing in the ideas before i completely understood them, by allowing these events to string themselves together, and finding ways for the characters to guide them and cause them, i can deconstruct the patterns, and find the core ideals, the universal values that propel the story. since these stories are entirely mine, and guided by me, universal translates back to personal.
i have always searched inside myself for answers. i should have realized what a tool this would be a long time ago. i may have learned more about myself from these stories i have created than anything else, without really realizing it by incoorporating the ideas and imagery i see as important into one larger train of though. in the end, it will be the epitomy of what i believe and like, my epitomy of cool, my epitomy of strong, my epitomy of love, my epitomy of pain, my epitomy of life up to this point. i don't need proof of this anymore. i know this is true. i can just see myself now, and what i have gained since i started this whole process, and realize what i have gained and how it has effected me. i knew this was important to me, but somehow now after years of attention, i am realizing just how important to me it is. it seems predestined. it seems meant to be, for me to find these things in myself now, as i find myself in the most ideal situation to make this happen i have been in since the process began.
every day i write invigorates me. every day i see my inner voice, the voice that everyone who has ever read anything i have written was ultimately attracted to. there is something undeniable in my writing style. it definitely changes in degree, but when it reaches its peaks, the words don't even matter anymore, because the ideas i am holding in my mind come into total focus, and are portrayed so simply and completely that they are impossible to ignore, and undeniably mine. i think it is one of my greatest strength, my ability to put things down on the page in a way people can understand. it is such a great feeling, when i hold that voice in my head, when the ideas are ringing so clear that my fingers can't keep up. and as much as this is true for other people who are reading, the effect is infinitely larger on my own brain. i can go back and read things, and remember exactly how i was feeling. i can pull all of the inflection, all of the subtle hidden meanings out of blank text. i know how i think. so as much as i am writing these books for other people, the ultimate goal of these books is that moment that i get to read it from front to back myself, and completely and utterly dissolve back into that world, into a story that was built solely to entertain me. that is what i crave. that is my motivation. this is where i am drawing my strength. today is a beautiful day.
