Sunday, May 20, 2007
so, let me tell you about the proverbial voice in my head. it is deeper than mine, although i can get my voice down in its range. it sounds like my voice, but it always has the authorative command that i reserve for occasions that need a little more punctuation. most frustratingly, it can sing. it can sing beautifully, hit every note i can hear, and go higher or lower than i can dream of. that is why i hate singing, because all i try to do is sync myself up with what i hear, but i can't do it. it just doesn't happen. what i hear in my head, and what comes out of my mouth are two completey different things.
when i actually talk seriously, my voice tends to drop and a little more power is added behind it. likewise, when i am not really paying attention or am just joking around, my voice gets the high lilt everyone else hears most of the time, and it grows increasingly tenetive, sometimes to the point that you can't make out the syllables from more than a few feet away, or it starts breaking up.
it has very little patience, which is why i let him chill up there when he isn't needed. he is content to relax and watch me stumble through life. he likes to play tricks on me. i can only really reach him through my subconcious, which luckily i have trained myself to instantly reach out too. but because i have to be in a dream or trancelike state, i can rarely remember anything that was said. it takes a pretty extreme concentration to be able to hold on to it, although because my memory is so associative, the things i have learned pop up when the information is needed. and if something interrupts me when i am spacing out, there is no way.
i know it is me up there. i know, because it is my inner wealth of knowledge and intelligence i am reaching out for. there is just so much i have to keep it locked away from the surface, otherwise it takes over. if i actually let that part of me run wild, i would be in a constant daze. i wouldn't move, i wouldn't be able to see beyond my eyes, i wouldn't hear anything. i would basically be asleep and dreaming.
it is a trade off. i let it relax and stay dormant, so when i need it, i can grab it and bend it to my will. it disgusts me, but probably the renaissance of that part of my mind was in high school math and science. i hated those classes, and rebelled against them whenever i could. i didn't do homework, didn't take notes, but my mind soaked up all of that information from the lectures and the books like a sponge. but come test time, i would dive into it. i would let it take over for an hour, and slam through. that is how i got straight a's in those classes. low low homework grade, but high 90's test scores because my brain is a machine. one day a week i was the most brilliant person in the room, but the rest of the time i was pretty much worthless.
i think this is why i end up spacing out so much without really noticing. it doesn't have the constitant outlet it used to. it grabs for control. it has to manifest itself in other ways. it seems to spend most of its time sifting through my memories and trying to predict the future, which is fine with me.
there are many parts to my brain. this is just one of them. it is the most rational, the most knowledgeable, and the most intelligent, which is why i think i tend to converse with him the most when i go inside myself. it is the part i respect the most. i defer to him in most things, but i am a little intimidated by it. it let it slack a little too much. but it deserves to slack. it is the leader of our rag tag little gang. it is the part i feel is more than me, more than the sum of all of the parts that make up me. i aspire to have it be in more or less permanent command, using the other parts to keep things running efficiently, and using everyone in a way that draws out the greatest potential. but like all of us, he doesn't want that. we are way too comfortable on the sidelines, observing the mad flailing of everything around us.
when i actually talk seriously, my voice tends to drop and a little more power is added behind it. likewise, when i am not really paying attention or am just joking around, my voice gets the high lilt everyone else hears most of the time, and it grows increasingly tenetive, sometimes to the point that you can't make out the syllables from more than a few feet away, or it starts breaking up.
it has very little patience, which is why i let him chill up there when he isn't needed. he is content to relax and watch me stumble through life. he likes to play tricks on me. i can only really reach him through my subconcious, which luckily i have trained myself to instantly reach out too. but because i have to be in a dream or trancelike state, i can rarely remember anything that was said. it takes a pretty extreme concentration to be able to hold on to it, although because my memory is so associative, the things i have learned pop up when the information is needed. and if something interrupts me when i am spacing out, there is no way.
i know it is me up there. i know, because it is my inner wealth of knowledge and intelligence i am reaching out for. there is just so much i have to keep it locked away from the surface, otherwise it takes over. if i actually let that part of me run wild, i would be in a constant daze. i wouldn't move, i wouldn't be able to see beyond my eyes, i wouldn't hear anything. i would basically be asleep and dreaming.
it is a trade off. i let it relax and stay dormant, so when i need it, i can grab it and bend it to my will. it disgusts me, but probably the renaissance of that part of my mind was in high school math and science. i hated those classes, and rebelled against them whenever i could. i didn't do homework, didn't take notes, but my mind soaked up all of that information from the lectures and the books like a sponge. but come test time, i would dive into it. i would let it take over for an hour, and slam through. that is how i got straight a's in those classes. low low homework grade, but high 90's test scores because my brain is a machine. one day a week i was the most brilliant person in the room, but the rest of the time i was pretty much worthless.
i think this is why i end up spacing out so much without really noticing. it doesn't have the constitant outlet it used to. it grabs for control. it has to manifest itself in other ways. it seems to spend most of its time sifting through my memories and trying to predict the future, which is fine with me.
there are many parts to my brain. this is just one of them. it is the most rational, the most knowledgeable, and the most intelligent, which is why i think i tend to converse with him the most when i go inside myself. it is the part i respect the most. i defer to him in most things, but i am a little intimidated by it. it let it slack a little too much. but it deserves to slack. it is the leader of our rag tag little gang. it is the part i feel is more than me, more than the sum of all of the parts that make up me. i aspire to have it be in more or less permanent command, using the other parts to keep things running efficiently, and using everyone in a way that draws out the greatest potential. but like all of us, he doesn't want that. we are way too comfortable on the sidelines, observing the mad flailing of everything around us.
