Wednesday, May 23, 2007
see, here is what i am talking about. i spent all night avoiding this post. i wanted nothing more than to break the experiment. i wanted it to fail. why? i have no respect. no respect for people, no respect for the world around me, and no respect for myself because i am a part of it. this is what i think. this is what tears me back and forth, whether i am failing because i am apart from the world, or failing because i am trying to help it. i see no chance for success. but there is respect. respect exists. respect is important to me. respect is something i hold dear. something must be real, it can't all be failure.
the thing i have realized tonight, is that i respect fiction more than reality. the things i strive for aren't real, and that fact is a source of pain. the things i hold dear, the people i look up to aren't real. i pull what strength i do have out of things that do not exist in reality. i do not find what i need in other people. i am not sure it exists in the world yet. so i am alone for now. until i can find something to respect in the world around me, i won't be able to lean on anything for strength
if i am going to achieve what i want, i will need to forge my own world. i am going to have to build things from scratch. my own outlook, my own systems, my own basis for accomplishment. it is all going to ride on me. if there is nowhere that my vision fits, i will make something new where it does. my strength shouldn't have to exist solely in my head. it should be tangible. i should be able to stand up and say, "this is what i believe, and i have the right to live by the principles that make me strong." i shouldn't have to hide.
the beginning is simple. the beginning is me. i am real. i can bridge the gap between fiction and reality. i can manifest these things i crave in myself, and then i won't have to search for proof anymore. i think that is where the stories that inspire me come from. people who see no place for what they believe, but refuse to acknowledge that they are dreaming. it is them screaming to the world what they want, so people like me won't have to be completely alone while we find our way, and so they have something to point too when everything around them makes them wonder if they are the crazy ones, not everyone else.
the thing i have realized tonight, is that i respect fiction more than reality. the things i strive for aren't real, and that fact is a source of pain. the things i hold dear, the people i look up to aren't real. i pull what strength i do have out of things that do not exist in reality. i do not find what i need in other people. i am not sure it exists in the world yet. so i am alone for now. until i can find something to respect in the world around me, i won't be able to lean on anything for strength
if i am going to achieve what i want, i will need to forge my own world. i am going to have to build things from scratch. my own outlook, my own systems, my own basis for accomplishment. it is all going to ride on me. if there is nowhere that my vision fits, i will make something new where it does. my strength shouldn't have to exist solely in my head. it should be tangible. i should be able to stand up and say, "this is what i believe, and i have the right to live by the principles that make me strong." i shouldn't have to hide.
the beginning is simple. the beginning is me. i am real. i can bridge the gap between fiction and reality. i can manifest these things i crave in myself, and then i won't have to search for proof anymore. i think that is where the stories that inspire me come from. people who see no place for what they believe, but refuse to acknowledge that they are dreaming. it is them screaming to the world what they want, so people like me won't have to be completely alone while we find our way, and so they have something to point too when everything around them makes them wonder if they are the crazy ones, not everyone else.
