Wednesday, May 30, 2007
i feel exhausted, but i will force myself to write. i can barely concentrate, but there has to be something in reserve. there has to be something underneath that i can force to the surface. i need to persevere, to find the inner well of energy and to excercise it. it needs to grow as well.
physically, i am lacking. my body has been reduced to the bare essentials. i can go about three days without eating before i start losing focus. last time i tried to ignore that fact, it got me hit in the face with a racquetball. you know, i was spent. i was already losing my strength. i could barely concentrate on the walls around me, it was taking all of my focus to hit the ball, and i couldn't even get it the 10 feet to the wall in front of me. i was glad to be taken out of the game. it is a sorry thing to have to admit, but i was glad that i couldn't see straight and i had an excuse to quit. i can learn a few things, but first and foremost i need to take care of my body. if i am going to exert myself, i need to be running at close to full strength. my mind uses the same energy my body does, so if i don't eat, or i don't sleep, i am not going to be running at full capacity. it is the stupid things i do, the lazy things that i am going to have to work on. i can't push myself for three weeks before buying food living on popcorn and m&m's as my only source of food. this may be obvious, but my passive-efficient approach to life inevitably takes me down this road about every two months when my food runs out. it doesn't have to, i am just lazy. i try to justify it by saying i am saving money, but that is a half truth. the frugalness is a fringe benefit, not the original purpose. it isn't even that shopping takes me long, or that i get that much. it is just that i don't feel like doing it. a lot of things are like that. this is going to have to be part of the plan. i am going to have to work this into the routine. i am going to have to eat at least twice everyday. that will be plenty. that will be above and beyond my normal routine. i am also going to have to excercise. i have already started my stretching routine back up. taking it further than that won't really be necessary, but we will see. running a few times a week couldn't hurt. my stretching serves a dual purpose. it is almost meditative. i go through the same motions in the same order every day, so i can just let my mind float away. i try not to focus on anything. i try not to let outside thoughts of work creep back in. they inevitably do, but they never catch hold. after 30 seconds or so, i will be on to the next thing, and whatever i was focusing on slips away again.
these two things will be a start. they will be other additions to the routine to keep things on the right track. it sounds so healthy. when i look at it, the edges of my stamina don't really need to be pushed. if anything, i need to let that stamina replentish so i can use it, instead of running on empty constantly. just another set of weights to take off. i don't know what i am going to do with myself, running at full capacity. it should make everything easier. work, writing, everything. well, nothing is going to make work easier. half the time when things are simple, i will be able to tune it out. the other half of the time, when things are just soul draining like today, i am going to have to compartmentalize, and force it out of my head. i am going to have to show up, go about my business, and then set it aside. living alone, i only have myself to comiserate with, so hopefully it will be easier than it has been in the past. it is still tough, since i have a tendency to let work get under my skin. there has to be a way. hopefully having something to accomplish at home will help that, something else to focus on so i am not dwelling on the day that just finished, and what is going to happen tomorrow. it will be aggrevating at first. i know i am going to feel like i have no free time, and that work is too much, but i feel like that now. i can come home and sit down and do nothing for four hours straight, and still feel like i don't have enough time to myself. having something to do can only help me. i will be a welcome respite.
god damn, i have unfinished business. racquetball last time was a waste of time. i wasted ryan's time. i am getting better. when i can keep my composure, and keep my attention on the game, i can play on an equal level. but i let it slip away, and it takes a while to get everything back under control. there are simple ways to combat this. there is no need to run along the brink all day long. it doesn't really prove anything.
physically, i am lacking. my body has been reduced to the bare essentials. i can go about three days without eating before i start losing focus. last time i tried to ignore that fact, it got me hit in the face with a racquetball. you know, i was spent. i was already losing my strength. i could barely concentrate on the walls around me, it was taking all of my focus to hit the ball, and i couldn't even get it the 10 feet to the wall in front of me. i was glad to be taken out of the game. it is a sorry thing to have to admit, but i was glad that i couldn't see straight and i had an excuse to quit. i can learn a few things, but first and foremost i need to take care of my body. if i am going to exert myself, i need to be running at close to full strength. my mind uses the same energy my body does, so if i don't eat, or i don't sleep, i am not going to be running at full capacity. it is the stupid things i do, the lazy things that i am going to have to work on. i can't push myself for three weeks before buying food living on popcorn and m&m's as my only source of food. this may be obvious, but my passive-efficient approach to life inevitably takes me down this road about every two months when my food runs out. it doesn't have to, i am just lazy. i try to justify it by saying i am saving money, but that is a half truth. the frugalness is a fringe benefit, not the original purpose. it isn't even that shopping takes me long, or that i get that much. it is just that i don't feel like doing it. a lot of things are like that. this is going to have to be part of the plan. i am going to have to work this into the routine. i am going to have to eat at least twice everyday. that will be plenty. that will be above and beyond my normal routine. i am also going to have to excercise. i have already started my stretching routine back up. taking it further than that won't really be necessary, but we will see. running a few times a week couldn't hurt. my stretching serves a dual purpose. it is almost meditative. i go through the same motions in the same order every day, so i can just let my mind float away. i try not to focus on anything. i try not to let outside thoughts of work creep back in. they inevitably do, but they never catch hold. after 30 seconds or so, i will be on to the next thing, and whatever i was focusing on slips away again.
these two things will be a start. they will be other additions to the routine to keep things on the right track. it sounds so healthy. when i look at it, the edges of my stamina don't really need to be pushed. if anything, i need to let that stamina replentish so i can use it, instead of running on empty constantly. just another set of weights to take off. i don't know what i am going to do with myself, running at full capacity. it should make everything easier. work, writing, everything. well, nothing is going to make work easier. half the time when things are simple, i will be able to tune it out. the other half of the time, when things are just soul draining like today, i am going to have to compartmentalize, and force it out of my head. i am going to have to show up, go about my business, and then set it aside. living alone, i only have myself to comiserate with, so hopefully it will be easier than it has been in the past. it is still tough, since i have a tendency to let work get under my skin. there has to be a way. hopefully having something to accomplish at home will help that, something else to focus on so i am not dwelling on the day that just finished, and what is going to happen tomorrow. it will be aggrevating at first. i know i am going to feel like i have no free time, and that work is too much, but i feel like that now. i can come home and sit down and do nothing for four hours straight, and still feel like i don't have enough time to myself. having something to do can only help me. i will be a welcome respite.
god damn, i have unfinished business. racquetball last time was a waste of time. i wasted ryan's time. i am getting better. when i can keep my composure, and keep my attention on the game, i can play on an equal level. but i let it slip away, and it takes a while to get everything back under control. there are simple ways to combat this. there is no need to run along the brink all day long. it doesn't really prove anything.
