Thursday, May 24, 2007
i'm getting an earlier start today. my netflix came in, and i need to get cracking. but anyways, today may be the real start. tuesday was the current state of things, and me overcoming my apathy towards growth. yesterday explored my misgivings, and overcoming my angst towards growth. which brings us back to the core of the whole deal, what am i really searching for? how is this going to help me, and what do i need to achieve.
i need motivation. i need the impetus to move forward, the nudge out the door to propel me into action. that is the start. the beginning of everything. that is the main thing i lack, the ambition to be strong. i see what i want to happen, and even see how things could happen, i just can't start. i just can't commit to my goals, and the knowledge that the effort will need to be mine. i am still waiting for things to be handed to me, and happen by themselves. i think my plans need to be crystalized. you know, it makes sense now that i am thinking about it. one of my great strengths is my ability to plan things out. to visualize a way for things to happen that will achieve the goal at hand. i can see problems before they arise, and have ways to overcome them. i guess i am still rebelling against that side of me. i want to believe in my flexibility, when that flexibility is really derived from my ability to already know what is going to happen. i am a flexible person, but it isn't something i truely excel at. it just seems that way because i have pre-adapted to situations, and sometimes that blurs my opinion of what really happened. i have prepared for such and such things, so i know exactly when things veer off course and it is time for new action. if i rely on that ability to find new action without having the path in my mind, i am just going in circles, zig-zagging around and wasting energy, which is something my mind simply cannot tolerate. so when it is wasteful, and there isn't forward movement, it shuts everything down and goes into a holding pattern that uses no energy until there is something to work toward.
so that is what i need to work toward. a plan for the beginning of things. i have the path to travel once things are rolling, but i need to extend it back, and ultimately forward to the end. because i can see now that i will come to the same problems eventually, spiralling around unable to actually finish anything, which will end up being the biggest waste of all.
but first things first. there needs to be a plan at the beginning. a set of steps to start the ball rolling. a series of events that are so easy and straight forward that my mind can follow them without feeling like its energy is being wasted. it is really one of the main things i am missing, the ability to start my own processes. throw me in the middle of something, and i will break it down into the most efficient set of principles, and keep propelling things forward, gaining momentum, until i realize i am working toward something i don't believe in because it isn't mine and stop, at which point things come crashing to a halt. but if it is my own, and the momentum keeps building and i am moving towards an endgame i have envisioned... this is something i dream of. but first i need to create something that is mine. i can't rely on a predetermined path to wander down. i can't be thrown into the middle, because i will never be fully committed to something i don't have a stake in.
it is a big part of my vision of fractal business growth. offshoot programs led by people with their own vision, to promote them to grow on their own strenght in concert with my own. it is about helping people start the ball rolling to achieve their goals. if i am going to do this, i need to find it how to do it myself. the onus is on me. i am realizing that now. all my theorizing is just that, theory until i can prove that it can work, and do the legwork myself to figure out how to make it feasible. only then will i be able to give a solid example of how things can work, and helping them refine that example into something that reflects their own personal vision.
and that is what i need to do. i need to start with one plan, one idea. i can't start with an attempt to have all of my plans happen at the same time. i can't expect to jump into the middle with everything already in motion. i need to plan one thing. i need to start with one idea and turn it into a functioning project. and i need to bring it to conclusion before i can have the model i hope to build everything around. i know the first time will be the hardest. it will take the most planning, the most preadaptability. i need to start by planning from the very beginning, and keep planning forward until it has a momentum of its own, and it aligns itself with the path that i already have envisioned. i have been trying to skip a step. i missed the extra x in x^2. i have been trying to approach the momentum i need from a velocity stand point. you need an initial velocity before there can be a change. there needs to be movement to begin with, or you are just multiplying by zero.
i need motivation. i need the impetus to move forward, the nudge out the door to propel me into action. that is the start. the beginning of everything. that is the main thing i lack, the ambition to be strong. i see what i want to happen, and even see how things could happen, i just can't start. i just can't commit to my goals, and the knowledge that the effort will need to be mine. i am still waiting for things to be handed to me, and happen by themselves. i think my plans need to be crystalized. you know, it makes sense now that i am thinking about it. one of my great strengths is my ability to plan things out. to visualize a way for things to happen that will achieve the goal at hand. i can see problems before they arise, and have ways to overcome them. i guess i am still rebelling against that side of me. i want to believe in my flexibility, when that flexibility is really derived from my ability to already know what is going to happen. i am a flexible person, but it isn't something i truely excel at. it just seems that way because i have pre-adapted to situations, and sometimes that blurs my opinion of what really happened. i have prepared for such and such things, so i know exactly when things veer off course and it is time for new action. if i rely on that ability to find new action without having the path in my mind, i am just going in circles, zig-zagging around and wasting energy, which is something my mind simply cannot tolerate. so when it is wasteful, and there isn't forward movement, it shuts everything down and goes into a holding pattern that uses no energy until there is something to work toward.
so that is what i need to work toward. a plan for the beginning of things. i have the path to travel once things are rolling, but i need to extend it back, and ultimately forward to the end. because i can see now that i will come to the same problems eventually, spiralling around unable to actually finish anything, which will end up being the biggest waste of all.
but first things first. there needs to be a plan at the beginning. a set of steps to start the ball rolling. a series of events that are so easy and straight forward that my mind can follow them without feeling like its energy is being wasted. it is really one of the main things i am missing, the ability to start my own processes. throw me in the middle of something, and i will break it down into the most efficient set of principles, and keep propelling things forward, gaining momentum, until i realize i am working toward something i don't believe in because it isn't mine and stop, at which point things come crashing to a halt. but if it is my own, and the momentum keeps building and i am moving towards an endgame i have envisioned... this is something i dream of. but first i need to create something that is mine. i can't rely on a predetermined path to wander down. i can't be thrown into the middle, because i will never be fully committed to something i don't have a stake in.
it is a big part of my vision of fractal business growth. offshoot programs led by people with their own vision, to promote them to grow on their own strenght in concert with my own. it is about helping people start the ball rolling to achieve their goals. if i am going to do this, i need to find it how to do it myself. the onus is on me. i am realizing that now. all my theorizing is just that, theory until i can prove that it can work, and do the legwork myself to figure out how to make it feasible. only then will i be able to give a solid example of how things can work, and helping them refine that example into something that reflects their own personal vision.
and that is what i need to do. i need to start with one plan, one idea. i can't start with an attempt to have all of my plans happen at the same time. i can't expect to jump into the middle with everything already in motion. i need to plan one thing. i need to start with one idea and turn it into a functioning project. and i need to bring it to conclusion before i can have the model i hope to build everything around. i know the first time will be the hardest. it will take the most planning, the most preadaptability. i need to start by planning from the very beginning, and keep planning forward until it has a momentum of its own, and it aligns itself with the path that i already have envisioned. i have been trying to skip a step. i missed the extra x in x^2. i have been trying to approach the momentum i need from a velocity stand point. you need an initial velocity before there can be a change. there needs to be movement to begin with, or you are just multiplying by zero.
