Monday, May 21, 2007
warmth. it is so simple. when i was a kid, i was warm with everyone. i was afraid of no one, friends with everyone. then at some point, like everyone, i was hurt by someone. it doesn't matter who, or when, or why, but at some point i had to retreat. it sent me away. and from then on, i treated everyone the same way. i was selfless, cold, and composed. i kept everyone at arms length. i made them open up to me first, and then still i just humored them. in short, i treated everyone like i was breaking up with them. no wonder. it makes so much sense.
i am able to seperate myself now. i can be open and honest without leaving myself exposed. even if someone does try to hurt me, could it really leave a scar? am i still that insecure
my computer is dead, so i have no music. i was singing ben folds five in my head, and got to that song. suddenly, i felt like such an idiot. i realized why things always feel awkward between me and other people, especially new people. it is a horrible thing to do. i don't why i have let things go this way. sure, that attitude has its place. it is an incredible way to deal with uncomfortable situations. but using it as a default makes every situation uncomfortable by default. the way i see it now, let things descend to that point.
so lets say i change, and go back to a warmer me. if for some reason someone scoffs at my amiable nature, fuck them. they are basically saying i have no interest in being nice to you, and that should be enough to turn my attention somewhere else. sure, it will be disappointing, and i may even feel a brief stab of pain from the rejection. but do i really want to be around someone that makes civility require effort? that is a waste of my valuable brain time.
i am sure my good friends will see this and it will make perfect sense. they will be sitting here saying "it is always wierd how he is such a different person once other people are around." it won't be easy. it is hard to seperate that cold, calculated, dismissive portion of my personality from the naturally distracted part. they seem so interconnected, because it was a simple coping mechanism that i built from my natural tendancies. but it makes so much sense to me now what has been happening, and how it got to this. now it is just a matter of breaking the habit, and letting everyone a little closer.
i am able to seperate myself now. i can be open and honest without leaving myself exposed. even if someone does try to hurt me, could it really leave a scar? am i still that insecure
my computer is dead, so i have no music. i was singing ben folds five in my head, and got to that song. suddenly, i felt like such an idiot. i realized why things always feel awkward between me and other people, especially new people. it is a horrible thing to do. i don't why i have let things go this way. sure, that attitude has its place. it is an incredible way to deal with uncomfortable situations. but using it as a default makes every situation uncomfortable by default. the way i see it now, let things descend to that point.
so lets say i change, and go back to a warmer me. if for some reason someone scoffs at my amiable nature, fuck them. they are basically saying i have no interest in being nice to you, and that should be enough to turn my attention somewhere else. sure, it will be disappointing, and i may even feel a brief stab of pain from the rejection. but do i really want to be around someone that makes civility require effort? that is a waste of my valuable brain time.
i am sure my good friends will see this and it will make perfect sense. they will be sitting here saying "it is always wierd how he is such a different person once other people are around." it won't be easy. it is hard to seperate that cold, calculated, dismissive portion of my personality from the naturally distracted part. they seem so interconnected, because it was a simple coping mechanism that i built from my natural tendancies. but it makes so much sense to me now what has been happening, and how it got to this. now it is just a matter of breaking the habit, and letting everyone a little closer.
