Sunday, May 27, 2007
so why? why the frantic need to become stronger. why am i always striving, always searching for a way to be better? why now, why does the simple act of writing require strength? why isn't simple effort enough? because these books are my strength, and these books are a compliation of my dreams. i am basing these characters on myself, and to me, these characters have become the sum of my strengths. they start from a point prior to my own strength, and end at a point beyond. they are my journey through life toward my ultimate goal.
and past that self exploration, they are my study of divinity. i am showing the creation of a god, and the world that he builds. i am showing his heritage, his ascension, and his reign as something more. if there is something beyond, such a thing as the divine, it is possible for us to reach those heights. that is the statement i am trying to make. that is what i want to believe. that is the basis behind these stories, to follow these people's rise into the heavens.
i am not strong enough to understand what could be ahead of us. i need to keep growing in order to see. i am using the trials i am going to put my characters through as my own experiences. when i write, i go inside the story and observe. i don't sit there and create the details, i just follow and comment on what pops out of the background. everything that happens, i will have experienced. it will bring me strength and perspective that i can only brush upon at this point. it will be my rite of passage, it will accellerate my growth, and show me new things about myself that will serve as the new foundation to build on.
and yet, at this point it is still all talk. i have all of this strength i am already trying to draw on that is still potential. i am hovering in the air, waiting for gravity to pull me down, and turn that energy into something real. i am finding the strength to start this pattern of growth. i need to solidify my foundation now, so things won't collapse. and most importantly i need to trust myself. what is holding me back, what holds us all back is the fear of failure. fear that something we want to believe in isn't true. so we hold ourselves back. we avoid looking for the proof that could strengthen us because we are scared of what will happen if we end up being proven wrong.
that is what i am changing. that is what i am doing. i am removing that fear. i am building my courage, and launching myself down the path i have seen, and positioned myself before. it is something that hasn't been absolutely necessary, forcing myself into action, so i have never gone through with it. not just in a book sense, but in a total sense. i have never been in a position where it was necessary to force myself into action. i have always had enough outs that i have been able to let myself slide. but this time, i won't. i am taking off the weights and testing my current capabilities. i want to see what the sum of my strength is now. i want to push those boundaries inside of myself, and watch myself grow even more, and more rapidly than i have in the past. because i know i can, and i have the reasons, and even the means. i just need action. and for action, i need to tap into the courage i have never really reached for in earnest. i need to demand it work for me, instead of waiting for it to manifest itself on its own. it is a part of me, and therefore mine to use and control. it is responding to my call. these posts are its awakening
and past that self exploration, they are my study of divinity. i am showing the creation of a god, and the world that he builds. i am showing his heritage, his ascension, and his reign as something more. if there is something beyond, such a thing as the divine, it is possible for us to reach those heights. that is the statement i am trying to make. that is what i want to believe. that is the basis behind these stories, to follow these people's rise into the heavens.
i am not strong enough to understand what could be ahead of us. i need to keep growing in order to see. i am using the trials i am going to put my characters through as my own experiences. when i write, i go inside the story and observe. i don't sit there and create the details, i just follow and comment on what pops out of the background. everything that happens, i will have experienced. it will bring me strength and perspective that i can only brush upon at this point. it will be my rite of passage, it will accellerate my growth, and show me new things about myself that will serve as the new foundation to build on.
and yet, at this point it is still all talk. i have all of this strength i am already trying to draw on that is still potential. i am hovering in the air, waiting for gravity to pull me down, and turn that energy into something real. i am finding the strength to start this pattern of growth. i need to solidify my foundation now, so things won't collapse. and most importantly i need to trust myself. what is holding me back, what holds us all back is the fear of failure. fear that something we want to believe in isn't true. so we hold ourselves back. we avoid looking for the proof that could strengthen us because we are scared of what will happen if we end up being proven wrong.
that is what i am changing. that is what i am doing. i am removing that fear. i am building my courage, and launching myself down the path i have seen, and positioned myself before. it is something that hasn't been absolutely necessary, forcing myself into action, so i have never gone through with it. not just in a book sense, but in a total sense. i have never been in a position where it was necessary to force myself into action. i have always had enough outs that i have been able to let myself slide. but this time, i won't. i am taking off the weights and testing my current capabilities. i want to see what the sum of my strength is now. i want to push those boundaries inside of myself, and watch myself grow even more, and more rapidly than i have in the past. because i know i can, and i have the reasons, and even the means. i just need action. and for action, i need to tap into the courage i have never really reached for in earnest. i need to demand it work for me, instead of waiting for it to manifest itself on its own. it is a part of me, and therefore mine to use and control. it is responding to my call. these posts are its awakening
