Friday, June 15, 2007
so, i am trying to sift through my arbitrary labels of mediocrity and average. those terms by their very nature would mean i am dangling myself into the realm of humanity for the sake of comparison. average by who's standards? well, average by my standards. i tend to disregard other people's standards anyway, so mediocre by my standards. that is why i give it such a negative connotation. first and foremost, i have been raised too. you are reading about a guy who was grounded when his keyboarding grade dipped to a C after first quarter of 7th grade, and was punished when he was hit with a B+ on his permanent record after 9th grade geometry,because it ruined all chances at a 4.0 before he even stepped foot on the high school campus. and what is worse, as idiotic and backwards as that may sound, and as much as i hated it then, i agree with it now.
there is no mediocrity in me. i used to throw tests to get bad grades in elementary school before grades meant anything so i could fit in, because i wanted to be mediocre. my academic laziness started as a way to piss off my parents, and i am half convinced now that i failed out of college just to prove to them i wasn't some sort of brilliant wunderkind who could cure cancer and fly to the moon at the same time, so they would get off my back and stop riding me into the ground.
and now, i am ashamed of all of that. i feel like i have gotten my wish, and i finally blend completely into the background, and live a life completely devoid of expectations and the accomplishments that accompany them. and worse, i don't know how to reverse it. i don't know how to go back to being the motivated genius, instead of the slaphappy genius. the fact that i can't take action and follow through is some sort of mental block i need to somehow destroy, because it is entirely my creation. it was childish and immature, one more thing from my childhood i need to come to terms with. i may have overcompensated by extolling apathy as a virtue for all of these years. laziness is a viable way of life, and preaching it was the only way to prove it to myself. it has taught me so many things, and allowed me to build a mindset based on my own terms. but should it be sought after as the means, instead of just the pleasant side effect of achievement?
laziness is still the goal. a life completely free of any demands is what i search for, because leaves me free to pursue anything my mind desires. but have i earned it? if i don't have the accomplishments to back it up, and on a related note, don't have the means to make those pursuits a reality, doesn't that leave me entrenched in a cyclic pipe dream of unfulfillable fantasy? isn't that just one more form of self deception?
i swear, i have the most twisted view of sloth on the planet. the thought of earning inactivity through hard work makes me laugh an evil laugh, and tap my fingertips together like mr. burns. my mind has decided it has demons to exorcise. apparently it is time once again to demolish the entrenched habits of my adolescence and rebuild. one thing i can tell you, is that shame is not a healthy emotion, and it is addictive. i have a lot of shame, things i really don't feel like going into here. suffice to say, the past week i have been visiting some things on my own time, and i am sure that is why other things are swirling into focus. i don't want to feel uncomfortable. i don't want to feel like i have to hide from everyone. that is something need to focus on, because hiding from the world is really another way of hiding from myself, devoting more of my energy to deception.
there is no mediocrity in me. i used to throw tests to get bad grades in elementary school before grades meant anything so i could fit in, because i wanted to be mediocre. my academic laziness started as a way to piss off my parents, and i am half convinced now that i failed out of college just to prove to them i wasn't some sort of brilliant wunderkind who could cure cancer and fly to the moon at the same time, so they would get off my back and stop riding me into the ground.
and now, i am ashamed of all of that. i feel like i have gotten my wish, and i finally blend completely into the background, and live a life completely devoid of expectations and the accomplishments that accompany them. and worse, i don't know how to reverse it. i don't know how to go back to being the motivated genius, instead of the slaphappy genius. the fact that i can't take action and follow through is some sort of mental block i need to somehow destroy, because it is entirely my creation. it was childish and immature, one more thing from my childhood i need to come to terms with. i may have overcompensated by extolling apathy as a virtue for all of these years. laziness is a viable way of life, and preaching it was the only way to prove it to myself. it has taught me so many things, and allowed me to build a mindset based on my own terms. but should it be sought after as the means, instead of just the pleasant side effect of achievement?
laziness is still the goal. a life completely free of any demands is what i search for, because leaves me free to pursue anything my mind desires. but have i earned it? if i don't have the accomplishments to back it up, and on a related note, don't have the means to make those pursuits a reality, doesn't that leave me entrenched in a cyclic pipe dream of unfulfillable fantasy? isn't that just one more form of self deception?
i swear, i have the most twisted view of sloth on the planet. the thought of earning inactivity through hard work makes me laugh an evil laugh, and tap my fingertips together like mr. burns. my mind has decided it has demons to exorcise. apparently it is time once again to demolish the entrenched habits of my adolescence and rebuild. one thing i can tell you, is that shame is not a healthy emotion, and it is addictive. i have a lot of shame, things i really don't feel like going into here. suffice to say, the past week i have been visiting some things on my own time, and i am sure that is why other things are swirling into focus. i don't want to feel uncomfortable. i don't want to feel like i have to hide from everyone. that is something need to focus on, because hiding from the world is really another way of hiding from myself, devoting more of my energy to deception.
