because because because because because! because of all the wonderful things i does. i need to feel like i can shift things back to that. the things that are my strengths. i need those weaknesses that are currently for whatever reason are keeping me from doing that to become strengths. this individual culture of infallibility and entitlement suddenly isn't cutting it, so i am regrouping, and attacking again from a different angle so i once again have the element of surprise in my favor. it goes back to that strength i have found in my characters, that is mine. there are things that do not belong in me, or them. i see these things, and try to call them necessary or acceptable flaws, but they can only be that in moderation. if they are controlling attributes, they are pure detriment. that shame, denial, and constant need for justification can be stopped. i am throwing myself into a period of blog-based upheaval, because i still feel like i have something i need to prove to myself. i feel like a lost kid, because that is where i am digging, because that is where the trail i am following is leading me. i read my writing and see petulance, because part of it is letting those pent up emotions vent out. luckily, i know what i am doing now, instead of flailing through my own thoughts. i could very easily turn this into full-fledged regression instead a simple examination, but i have an actual goal in sight, a purpose. i started in the middle, looking towards the end. but i can't see past that end right now, which is not the full path i have seen before, and it is leaving me stuck and frustrated. i am confused, and when i look back for guidance, i see more gaps. so, i'm finding where the wires are crossed. i need to make that path solid and viable again so i am not just sprinting headlong into a wall.

sometimes i just want to slap myself. i wish i could just snap my mind out of it, and get it to do exactly what i want. but it doesn't always react how i expect it too. it is like some sort of wild animal. brute force just gets me mauled. trying to herd it sends it further in the wrong direction but we want the same things, ultimately. i just need to quiet its sudden need for attention, and see what its purpose is. it is leading me somewhere. maybe i need to submit, and let it tame me. maybe i just need to trust it, and let it show me what it wants to show me, instead of trying to take charge. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.............

frivved up by Ben at 12:37 AM