Saturday, June 09, 2007
my immediate future is pretty boring. it will, however, bring a form of closure. processes that have been slowly building will reach a certain finality. it will be me, alone, unfettered by the world around me. my conscious will be cleared, and i will find myself wondering. for a while i will wander around, listless and alone. my thoughts will be consumed by a great nothing. but i have been slowly embracing that nothing, drawing it toward me for as long as i have been awake, as long as the real aware me can remember. i have feared it at times, but have seen the truth it can provide. and once i finally realize it is part of my path, part of my destiny, i will be able to embrace it, and it will set me free.
then it will be me, and the life i have worked towards. just me and the things i have built inside me, without any restraints. external restraints are already bordering on superfluous at this point anyways. it is is the internal restraints that this will wash away. i will be sitting, alone, my life finally devoid of the outside influence i bemoan. i will question my choices, my life, and my individual self, because that is all that will be left. i will face myself, and begin again. i will walk forward, and take the first real meaningful step toward my true future, the future i have built, the future that is meant for me.
this chapter will close. this book will close. it will be a new beginning. that is the immediate future. this will happen very soon. i know because i have seen it. i have been preparing for it for a long time now, my meeting with myself. i have clung to the things around me because i was afraid for myself, what would happen to me when this day has finally come. i have stared into the nothingness and cried because i didn't yet have the strength to face it. but it is a part of me. it is what i need to come to terms with. inside the black is me, and only me. i have always approached it with the influence the world has on me wrapped around my shoulders like a blanket for protection, which is why i can't see inside. to the rest of the world, including the part of me derived from that world, it is just a void, a schism, a singularity. it is anti-reality, which is why i haven't been able to face it.
but the last safety nets, all of those things i cling to will soon be gone. the rest of the world will be gone, and it will just be me and the void. i will walk up to the edge, and for a moment i will disappear, and i will see the truth. no one will notice when i leave, and no one will notice when i return. they will not see that i have changed, because to them i won't have. the things i see will be imperceptible to them, so they won't know a thing.
and me? at first things will be the same for me as well. at first i won't even remember what happened inside this alternate reality. it will be too much for me to immediately comprehend. as i continue forward, i will simply notice the changes in me as they begin to happen, the changes in my thought and actions. and i will know. i will know, because i know right now it is going to happen. i can look back on this moment, and realize what happened. there will be nothing to accidentally overlook. nothing to slip my notice. because i have always known what will happen. it will be a simple realization, and i will be relieved, because it has finally come to pass, and the events leading to this point will all have been worth it.
the events in motion right now are all leading to this. i can't say exactly when, because it doesn't work like that. my perception of time is too fluid to pinpoint things exactly. if i tried, it wouldn't work, because that refusal of exactness is where my vision comes from. but i have seen what will happen. i have seen what i have to let come to pass. i can't fight things, and this will leave me completely alone inside, which is exactly what i have always needed, and always feared. it will stretch my strength. it will force me to face the things i have buried inside. but it will not break me. i cannot be broken. and because of that, i will emerge from this stronger than i have ever been.
i have seen who i have become, i have always seen. at times i have thought it would never happen, that i would never see myself realized, and it has almost torn me apart. but it is the source of hope inside of me. it is my strength. it won't be a change to strengthen myself. there won't be a fix, there won't be some grand new scheme to set me down the path. it will be a simple realization of self. a further combining of me and my ego, of me and the inner truth that drives me forward. it will simply be another new start. i will lift myself onto a new plane inside. my scope will broaden, and a whole new world of self-perception and growth will be open to me.
on the outside, my immediate future is boring. there won't be any cosmetic changes, any advancement of my lot. not yet, not to the common perception. but with me, that is never the whole story. you can never judge what is happening to me by what you see of me, and what you hear from my mouth. those are just trappings. just a figment of my imagination. trifles my mind choses to conjure for the its own amusement to entertain a mob. they are just a window. that is what everything beyond me will never be able to understand.
then it will be me, and the life i have worked towards. just me and the things i have built inside me, without any restraints. external restraints are already bordering on superfluous at this point anyways. it is is the internal restraints that this will wash away. i will be sitting, alone, my life finally devoid of the outside influence i bemoan. i will question my choices, my life, and my individual self, because that is all that will be left. i will face myself, and begin again. i will walk forward, and take the first real meaningful step toward my true future, the future i have built, the future that is meant for me.
this chapter will close. this book will close. it will be a new beginning. that is the immediate future. this will happen very soon. i know because i have seen it. i have been preparing for it for a long time now, my meeting with myself. i have clung to the things around me because i was afraid for myself, what would happen to me when this day has finally come. i have stared into the nothingness and cried because i didn't yet have the strength to face it. but it is a part of me. it is what i need to come to terms with. inside the black is me, and only me. i have always approached it with the influence the world has on me wrapped around my shoulders like a blanket for protection, which is why i can't see inside. to the rest of the world, including the part of me derived from that world, it is just a void, a schism, a singularity. it is anti-reality, which is why i haven't been able to face it.
but the last safety nets, all of those things i cling to will soon be gone. the rest of the world will be gone, and it will just be me and the void. i will walk up to the edge, and for a moment i will disappear, and i will see the truth. no one will notice when i leave, and no one will notice when i return. they will not see that i have changed, because to them i won't have. the things i see will be imperceptible to them, so they won't know a thing.
and me? at first things will be the same for me as well. at first i won't even remember what happened inside this alternate reality. it will be too much for me to immediately comprehend. as i continue forward, i will simply notice the changes in me as they begin to happen, the changes in my thought and actions. and i will know. i will know, because i know right now it is going to happen. i can look back on this moment, and realize what happened. there will be nothing to accidentally overlook. nothing to slip my notice. because i have always known what will happen. it will be a simple realization, and i will be relieved, because it has finally come to pass, and the events leading to this point will all have been worth it.
the events in motion right now are all leading to this. i can't say exactly when, because it doesn't work like that. my perception of time is too fluid to pinpoint things exactly. if i tried, it wouldn't work, because that refusal of exactness is where my vision comes from. but i have seen what will happen. i have seen what i have to let come to pass. i can't fight things, and this will leave me completely alone inside, which is exactly what i have always needed, and always feared. it will stretch my strength. it will force me to face the things i have buried inside. but it will not break me. i cannot be broken. and because of that, i will emerge from this stronger than i have ever been.
i have seen who i have become, i have always seen. at times i have thought it would never happen, that i would never see myself realized, and it has almost torn me apart. but it is the source of hope inside of me. it is my strength. it won't be a change to strengthen myself. there won't be a fix, there won't be some grand new scheme to set me down the path. it will be a simple realization of self. a further combining of me and my ego, of me and the inner truth that drives me forward. it will simply be another new start. i will lift myself onto a new plane inside. my scope will broaden, and a whole new world of self-perception and growth will be open to me.
on the outside, my immediate future is boring. there won't be any cosmetic changes, any advancement of my lot. not yet, not to the common perception. but with me, that is never the whole story. you can never judge what is happening to me by what you see of me, and what you hear from my mouth. those are just trappings. just a figment of my imagination. trifles my mind choses to conjure for the its own amusement to entertain a mob. they are just a window. that is what everything beyond me will never be able to understand.
